1. Making mental load visible
Write down everything you have in mind – from appointment reminders to gift ideas. This makes the invisible tangible and negotiable in the first place.
Not «Can you help me?» but «How can we share this fairly?» It's not about helpfulness, but about equal thinking and sharing in everyday life.
2. Hand over entire areas – not just to-do lists
If you say «I'll take the child to the doctor» today, you'll be out again tomorrow. Relief only comes when you don't have to delegate every week, but when it's clear: this is now your area of responsibility.
3. Plan short breaks – and actually take them
Even ten minutes with a cup of coffee and some peace and quiet can work wonders. The nervous system needs breaks so that you can get out of constant tension mode and stay healthy in the long term.
4. Living responsibility on equal terms
Not «Can you help me?» but «How can we share this fairly?» It's not about helpfulness, but about equal thinking and sharing in everyday life.
Mental load is not a personal failure, but often a structural problem.
5. Seeking and accepting support
Whether it's a friend, coach, colleague or counselling centre: sometimes a good conversation is all it takes to develop new perspectives and get your thoughts in order.
Conclusion
Mental load is not a personal failure, but often a structural problem. This makes it all the more important to persevere, raise awareness and gradually ease the burden.
8 killer phrases, or why good intentions often don't help
Based on discussions with experts who work with overburdened parents on a daily basis: these are phrases that seem to be intended to help, but actually increase the burden. Why this is the case – and what lies behind it.
1. just tell me what to do»
The responsibility for planning and oversight remains entirely with one person. Anyone who says this is signalling: I'm happy to help – but only if you tell me everything to do. This means that the mental burden is not shared, but actually increased.
2. please make me a list, then I'll take care of it»
Writing lists means thinking first, then delegating. The task appears to be shared, but it isn't. It remains a one-way street: one person thinks, the other just carries out the instructions.
«Why didn't you say anything?» Responsibility is shifted onto one person instead of everyone thinking for themselves.
3. «You can do that much better than I can.»
It sounds like a compliment, but it's actually a free pass to opt out. Instead of taking responsibility, it is charmingly passed back. Those who never help to organise can never improve – and thus create an imbalance in the long term.
4. «Why didn't you say anything?»
Responsibility is shifted onto one person instead of everyone pitching in. The person with the mental load becomes the planner – even though real relief can only come from everyone pitching in, not from asking questions.
5. please remind me again next week»
It is not enough to simply organise; you also have to remind people of the task. This turns the organiser into a personal reminder app. This is not helpful, but rather an additional cognitive burden.
6. «Just tell me exactly what to do – then it'll be fine.»
Sounds cooperative, but it's passive. Those who truly share responsibility don't just ask about tasks – they develop an overview and commitment to the common good themselves.
Disguising passivity as caution does not assist anyone. Taking responsibility means taking action before a crisis arises.
7. «Oh, was that important to you? I didn't realise.»
It relieves your own attention and exacerbates the imbalance. Those who only find out afterwards what was important show that they are not really involved. Mental load also arises from emotional one-sidedness.
8. «I didn't want to stress you out, so I just waited.»
It sounds considerate, but it leads to even more stress. Disguising passivity as consideration doesn't help anyone. Taking responsibility means taking action before things get out of hand – not waiting until the other person does it again themselves.
