Ilka G., 43, lives with her daughter Lina, 8, on the outskirts of Basel. She works part-time as a secretary and earns extra money at night as a freelance architectural draughtswoman.
In the evening, when my daughter is finally asleep, I often sit there and wonder how I actually managed to get through the day. I'm tired, but the housework is waiting and, at some point, so is my second job.
I live with my eight-year-old daughter in a small flat on the outskirts of Basel. I pay very little rent, otherwise I couldn't afford it. I work part-time as a secretary for a municipal authority. I also earn a little extra money as a freelance architectural draughtswoman. I do that at night, when everything else is done.
Caring for my mother is very stressful for me, emotionally as well. She used to be so strong.
I have been a single parent since Lina was two. Her father lives about 100 kilometres away. He pays the minimum maintenance. He hardly ever looks after Lina. Sometimes they see each other over a long weekend. He now has a new girlfriend with two children who live with him. Lina doesn't like going there, so I don't push it.
After the separation, I moved to Basel because my mother lives here. She helped me at first. But now her health is very poor. I do her shopping, accompany her to doctor's appointments, take care of the paperwork. Caring for her is very stressful, emotionally as well. She used to be so strong.
Walking through a tunnel every day
Lina is a sensitive girl. She has always been rather sickly, often suffering from infections and sometimes psychosomatic complaints. This means appointments with the paediatrician, discussions with her teacher, nights when she cannot sleep – and neither can I. When she is ill, I have to take time off work or work from home. This puts a strain on my relationship with my boss, even though she is understanding.
I have tried to build up a small network. Two friends live nearby, and we sometimes help each other out. One friend's husband is Lina's godfather, and he occasionally takes her to the museum or the playground. She also needs a male role model.
What would help me? Affordable holiday childcare. And a social perspective that understands how much pressure single parents are under.
All the responsibility lies with me. I have to decide everything on my own. There is no one who says, «Come on, I'll take care of that.» I long for this relief – not only physically, but also mentally. Everyday life sometimes feels like a tunnel I have to go through every day. This hopelessness is the hardest part of the mental load for me.
Nevertheless, I am not giving up. I love my daughter, and I am proud of how I am managing everything. I try to create little islands for myself. And I try to remind myself that I am doing well, even if it does not always feel that way. I am working on being less strict with myself and not trying to do everything perfectly. That is also part of making this mental load easier to bear.
What would help me? Affordable holiday childcare. More support for single parents. And a social perspective that not only admires mothers who manage everything on their own, but also understands how much pressure they are under. I don't want to have to be strong. I want to be allowed to be weak sometimes too.
