Why are so many parents overwhelmed?
Mr Sumpf, do overwhelmed parents contact you?
Oh yes. I've just received an email from a young mum. She has two children, one is a toddler, often defiant, the other is an infant, sleeps badly and cries a lot. Her husband only comes home late in the evening. The woman describes herself as exhausted and irritable, she thinks she can't do what everyone else around her is doing. This is the state of real, common exhaustion. Her case is a very typical example.
What did you say to the woman?
I have encouraged her in her feelings. Regardless of what others say, her situation and her feelings of being overwhelmed are as normal as a family can be. I reassured her that this is one of the most common situations that we receive as a parent helpline.
I would have thought that young people today would be more open about stress.
I have also found out for them which organisations, service providers and so on in their area can support them. I'm always amazed at how often I hear that everyone else is coping with the stress with ease. I would have thought that young people today would be more open about dealing with stress.
Family is apparently still idealised?
It is a «sacred cow», as an acquaintance recently said. Those who feel exhausted feel that they are alone in this. Incidentally, one component that we often hear in this context is the lack of concrete support: these parents usually have no way of handing over the children.
Many parents nowadays also have the feeling that their own parents had a better handle on things.
This can be deceptive and perhaps there is sometimes a bit of romanticisation involved. The parents of today's parents often come from the «baby boomer» generation, born and raised in a phase of continuous economic progress.
Your own demands on yourself, your career, your relationship and your children have increased enormously.
The discussion of existing values, for example in the division of roles or education, began at that time. I'm talking about the 1968 generation. Comparisons are of little use: the type of stress has changed and the demands on oneself and one's success in education, career or relationships have increased.
Are professional ambitions a problem?
It's our own expectations. Whether it's your career, your own parenting, your children's behaviour - the demands have risen enormously. Take a look at the standards that exist in parenting alone and all the things you can do wrong. And of course, every father and mother wants to get it right.
Measured against these high expectations, the chances of failure are greater. We know that placing too high demands on yourself and constantly trying to fulfil them is a path to exhaustion. Often, however, it is of course the expectations that are passed on from society.
You mean social pressure?
Absolutely. Social norms may be less exclusive today, but they are much more diverse and sometimes even more contradictory than they were just a few decades ago. For every topic that concerns a family, you can find countless guides explaining how to do things properly. How do I organise the perfect children's birthday party? How do I support my child with the tasks?
How do I create a good relationship with the child? What's more, everyone knows that a good education is the key to success. If my child doesn't live up to expectations at school, I'll invest again. And in doing so, I also transfer my expectations to the child.
Take the self-test here and find out whether you are suffering from parental burnout or are close to it. You can download the test as a PDF and print it out.
Does that mean we have to work on our own and society's standards?
Indeed. It takes a long time to change society's expectations, so it makes sense to start with yourself and ask yourself: What is important and really needs to be? What is not so important? This applies to everything: activities, financial expenses, demands on yourself, on the child and on your own behaviour towards the child and your partner.
And then my basic message is: parents should get more support wherever possible. Hand over the child in times of high stress whenever possible. And therefore not be ashamed or worried that they could be traumatised. There is also an ingenious way to help, the effect of which never ceases to amaze me: talk about it.
