«It's perfectly okay to say: It's too much for me!»

Mrs Schwendener, as parents we often have such high expectations of ourselves that we tend to wear ourselves out between work and family. How do you correctly assess your own strengths?

It is important to have good self-awareness and body awareness. If I don't have this, then I won't feel when I'm reaching my limits. In my courses, I teach relaxation techniques so that parents can feel themselves better and recognise early on if they are heading towards a state of exhaustion.

At the same time, I need to pause for a moment. If I'm constantly rushing through my everyday life, I'll lose sight of how I'm really feeling. That's why it's important to take time for yourself, for your partnership. To ask yourself: How am I doing? Are we doing well as a family? How are we doing as a couple? And also to talk about it within the partnership.

However, it is a long way from realising «I have to do something for myself» to putting it into practice.

Of course, this doesn't happen overnight. Young parents in particular are initially completely focussed on the helpless baby - which is right. At the same time, mum and dad should think about themselves again relatively soon - and, for example, see who could look after their offspring for two or three hours. I know couples who have had children for five years and have never had an evening to themselves.

Because there is no one to look after the children?

No, rather because beliefs prevent us from doing so. The question is: How did our own parents shape us? Did they have very high expectations of themselves - in terms of raising children or how the household should be run? Then we believe we have to do the same ourselves.

At the same time - and this is especially true for mothers - we also want to be perfect at work. We just don't want anyone to think that since she's had children, she's no longer performing at her best. So the pressure doesn't just come from outside, but is also in her own head.

Those who forgo time for themselves in the long term are not only harming themselves, but the whole family.

That's why it's important to realise what we have been influenced by in the past. We should let go of phrases like «Work first, then pleasure». And counter with a clear: «No, even if I sit on the sofa now and do the laundry tomorrow, I'm still a fully-fledged person.»

The request to relax often comes from outside. But this also suggests: don't complain, just take some time out! But how do I actually do this when I'm on such a tight schedule?

Involve your partner! Think about it together: How do we organise our evening? Is there a time when we don't both have to look after the children? Then one parent takes a break and clearly declares: «Mum is taking a break now, Dad is looking after them.» Close the door, read something, go for a walk - or whatever else does you good.

If you don't have a partner, see who else could look after the children for an hour. These time-outs should then be planned into everyday life. Above all, however, you should realise this: If you give up time for yourself in the long term, you are not only harming yourself, but the whole family.

What do you mean?

I can only take good care of my child if I take good care of myself. If you're constantly running on fumes, with your batteries constantly at zero, you lack the basis. In other words: I only have the necessary calm to face the challenges of everyday parenting if I can keep my energy levels up and recover.

At what point are clients at when they come to your practice?

Most of them are suffering to a certain extent. Because they realise that they are reaching their limits with their job and children. Because instead of remaining calm and patient with their children, they quickly lose their nerve and get louder and louder. Because they realise: «I don't want it like this anymore, something has to change.»

Just recognising that others feel the same way is incredibly relieving and takes the pressure off.

The time when children are between zero and five years old is particularly challenging - before they go to school, often don't sleep well yet or two children follow each other closely. From a purely energetic point of view, a small age gap is totally unreasonable - even if it may have advantages on other levels. Add to this the concept of the nuclear family, which has to raise the children largely on its own, and things become difficult.

What advice do you have for exhausted parents?

The first thing I try to show is that it's completely okay to say: It's too much for me! This realisation alone is usually a huge relief. At the same time, it's about building up a support network. With other parents, for example, so that the children can play here and there and mum and dad can each have two hours to themselves. Or simply asking the elderly neighbour to look after the child for a short while - and returning the favour by doing the shopping. The most important thing, however, is not to be afraid to ask for help. This happens far too rarely.

Because you think you have to do it alone?

Yes, but also because people think: after all, other families can do it too. Which, on closer inspection, is not true at all. It's important not to look too much at others, but to ask yourself: How are we doing as parents? What do we need to make things right for us? In general, we should talk much more openly about these things with our immediate social environment. Simply recognising that others feel the same way is incredibly relieving and takes the pressure off.

What should I do if I realise that I can no longer cope and feel overwhelmed as a parent?

In acute cases, get professional support, turn to mother and father counselling centres, parent coaches or - if it is already heading towards illness and burnout - to the family doctor. But it's best to talk to your partner about it as early as possible, with friends, with the child's godmother and have a look: Who can do what for me? Think about it: What do I enjoy doing? How did I relax in the past? Sometimes just having a coffee with a friend or a warm bath is enough in the short term. It doesn't always have to be a wellness weekend.