We all know the situation: when picking up our children from nursery, at a parents' evening or during a quick chat at the shop checkout, we bump into a friend, an acquaintance or another mother. We ask, «So, how are you?» And the answer is alarmingly often, «Tired. Everything's a bit much at the moment.» What they mean is: work, children, appointments, maybe a sick father, the constant to-do list in their head and the vague feeling that they are somehow running behind.
Often, a single honest sentence such as «I feel the same way» or «I know what you mean» is enough to make the other person feel relieved. Because the truth is: many people are familiar with this constant tension, this constant mental presence, this feeling of never really being able to switch off.
Constantly overloaded
The figures prove it: many parents – especially mothers – feel constantly overwhelmed. According to the latest Swiss Family Barometer, around 32 per cent of all parents say they feel permanently overwhelmed by the demands of work and family life. Among parents with full-time jobs and young children, the figure is almost 50 per cent.
The term for this is mental load. What sounds like a buzzword actually describes a structural problem. A permanent overload that puts pressure on relationships, jeopardises health and can wear families down.
Mental load is a form of constant cognitive stress.
Filomena Sabatella, psychologist
But what exactly is it that puts so much strain on parents? How does mental load arise? Where can this constant overload lead, and above all, how can it be reduced? Together with six experts – psychologists, therapists and counsellors from the field of family support – we have compiled and answered the most important questions.
1. What exactly is mental load?
Mental load – at first glance, this sounds harmless. Almost as if it were just a matter of having a few too many thoughts. In reality, however, the term refers to structural overload. It refers to the responsibility for ensuring that everyday life runs smoothly. It is not just about the practical execution of tasks, but above all about the mental groundwork.
Psychotherapist Nuša Sager-Sokolić, director of the Klaus Grawe Institute in Zurich, explains: «Mental load refers to the burden of all the mental work required to keep a system functioning. It means keeping track of things, thinking ahead, remembering, coordinating. I am responsible for ensuring that things get done, even if I don't do them myself.»
So it's about planning, remembering, coordinating and thinking ahead. It's about constantly having to think ahead, often across many areas – school, nursery, doctor's appointments, shopping, birthdays, leisure time, family structure.
2. Why is it so exhausting?
«Mental load is a form of constant cognitive stress,» says psychologist Filomena Sabatella, lecturer at the Zurich University of Applied Sciences (ZHAW).
As a mother, she became aware of how much the constant mental effort was weighing on her. «There's a constant planning process going on in the back of your mind, even when you're physically doing something else.» Since then, she has led various research projects and workshops on the topic. She explains that mental load is not a to-do list, but a state of psychological tension that is difficult to escape. It is not a project that ends. It is a permanent state.
3. Why are parents often unaware that they are overworked?
It is no coincidence that this form of stress is often overlooked – on the contrary: it is precisely when everything seems to be running smoothly that the mental workload is greatest. Sven Steffes-Holländer, specialist in psychosomatic medicine and chairman of the Society for Psychosomatic Medicine in Berlin, has been working on systemic stress patterns in families for decades.
He says: «A key feature of mental load is its invisibility. It's not a loud problem. It's more like a background noise that never stops – a form of inner alertness and vigilance.»
Parents are under a lot of pressure to do everything right.
Yvonne Müller, social worker
The emotional component also plays a role, emphasises Steffes-Holländer: «You not only bear organisational responsibility, but are also emotionally involved: Will everything be done on time? Has everyone been considered? Does anyone feel overlooked? This emotional shared responsibility increases mental exhaustion.»
4. Why are we currently experiencing such hype around the term mental load? Didn't our parents have that too?
The term «mental load» has become popular in recent years because many people were suddenly able to identify their excessive workload. The distribution of the burden and social perception have changed.
Nuša Sager-Sokolić says: «Parents today have to make more decisions, coordinate more, fulfil multiple roles – and constantly reflect on whether they are doing the right thing. Mental load is therefore not a fashion trend, but an expression of a real social dynamic.»
5. What exactly has changed?
Everyday life has become more complex and we are constantly on call: working from home, flexible working hours, full-time childcare, digital communication – everything happens simultaneously, all the time. What used to be clearly separated is now blurred: «In the past, you might have checked your emails once a day and listened to your answering machine,» says Sven Steffes-Holländer.
«Today, you can be reached 24 hours a day. All channels are open, all information is available at any time. This creates a constant state of stimulation and means that many people can no longer escape it.»
Many fathers feel: I want to, but I don't know how.
Sven Steffes-Holländer, specialist in psychosomatic medicine
The demands placed on parents have also increased. Yvonne Müller, co-director of the Elternnotruf helpline, says: «Parents are under enormous pressure to do everything right. Today, they are no longer expected to simply provide for their children, but to accompany, encourage and reflect – to be emotionally present, communicate mindfully and act in a child-friendly manner.» These expectations also contribute to mental load.
What's more, the division of labour used to be more traditional – the man earned the money, the woman took care of the household and children. Today, both parents often work and have to share the care work. This doesn't always work out equally well.
6. To what extent is mental stress scientifically proven?
Several international studies show a link between chronic cognitive stress and elevated cortisol levels, impaired emotional regulation, and increased susceptibility to exhaustion, sleep disorders, and depression.
«Constant mental activity increases stress levels in the body,» says Filomena Sabatella. «We have increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol and are constantly in a state of alert.» Sven Steffes-Holländer also describes the consequences on a neurological level: «The brain is constantly busy, there is no rest period. This is exhausting in the long term and can lead to symptoms of depression or sleep disorders.»
7. Who bears the mental burden in families?
Women continue to shoulder most of the responsibility for everyday life. According to the Federal Statistical Office, around 82 per cent of mothers in Switzerland are in employment. However, these mothers still work more than 50 hours a week in the home, often clocking up more than 80 or 90 hours a week.
A double burden that wears you down over time – especially since it doesn't just mean working through a long list of to-dos, but constantly thinking about everything, coordinating everything and keeping track of everything. It's the constant responsibility in all areas – from children's birthday parties to the next deadline at work, from winter coats to school tests, from doctor's appointments to tax returns.
Psychologist and bestselling author Patricia Cammarata, one of the most prominent voices on the subject of mental load in the German-speaking world, says: «Mental load is a structural problem that is fuelled by social attributions. Girls learn early on to be empathetic, to nurture relationships, to feel responsible. As a result, many women unconsciously conform to traditional patterns – even if they actually want to do things differently.»
But mental load does not only arise when both parents are working. Yvonne Müller from Elternnotruf adds: «Even those who look after children and the household full-time are mentally on duty around the clock. But many people don't realise this because they don't have a second job. The constant emotional and organisational demands are underestimated – especially when they take place at home.»
8. And how are the fathers doing?
Many fathers also feel the pressure to do everything right – to be present at work, emotionally available and reliable in everyday family life. But society's expectations of fathers are contradictory: they are expected to be more involved, but at the same time to «go along with things» rather than «have a say». This creates uncertainty and frustration.
Psychosomatic specialist Sven Steffes-Holländer observes in his clinical work: «Many fathers feel: I want to – but I don't know how. They feel that they are involved, that they are doing more than their own fathers did, and yet it never seems to be enough.»
Filomena Sabatella from ZHAW adds: «Men often feel like they are playing a supporting role rather than being an equal caregiver. Many of them want to be truly involved, but there is a lack of spaces where they can talk about feeling overwhelmed without immediately being seen as weak.»
9. Why do couples who strive for an equal division of tasks fail to distribute the mental burden more effectively?
«Many fathers today want to be present, but they didn't experience this themselves in their childhood,» says Yvonne Müller. «They lack role models and confidence. They intervene selectively instead of really taking responsibility.» This «helper mentality» means that the main responsibility usually remains with the mother – and the father tends to see himself as a supporting force rather than an equal partner.
Women often believe that they are responsible and must take care of things. This prevents a genuine handover.
Nuša Sager-Sokolic, psychotherapist
Such unspoken role models often shape everyday life: the woman organises, the man «helps». When she is overworked, it is not uncommon to hear the well-intentioned phrase: «You don't have to do that.»
Psychotherapist Sven Steffes-Holländer warns: «At first glance, this sounds supportive, but it devalues what the other person is doing.» This means that responsibility is not actively shared, but rather tasks are declared unimportant.
10. Why do women often find it so difficult to delegate responsibility?
Many mothers would like more support, but are still reluctant to hand over responsibility for everyday tasks. This is often due to a deeply ingrained reflex: «I'll just do it myself quickly – then it'll be done.»
Psychologist and author Patricia Cammarata describes this behaviour as follows: «Women take charge, intervene and correct because that's what they've been taught to do. If I don't do it, it won't get done – or it will be done too late or incorrectly.» The result: the partner withdraws, leaves the planning to the woman – and, unwittingly, the very division of roles that both actually wanted to avoid becomes entrenched.
Nuša Sager-Sokolić from the Klaus Grawe Institute adds: «Many women hold the belief that they are responsible and must take care of everything. They believe that they are only good mothers if they can do all of this. This prevents them from truly handing over responsibility, even if their partner is willing to take it on.» Such inner convictions often have a stronger effect than rational insight – and can only be changed if they are brought to consciousness and worked through.
11. How are single parents doing?
Mental load without a partner means no breaks, no opportunity to delegate, no backup. Psychologist Filomena Sabatella says, «Single parents are constantly on duty, both organisationally and emotionally. Many say, «I'm too tired to change anything.» They carry on even though they have long since reached their limit.»
According to Sabatella, this often results in chronic stress, combined with sleep disorders, irritability, low mood or even symptoms of depression.
12. What helps in such a situation?
Barbara Turina, managing director of Entlastungsdienst Schweiz in the canton of Zurich, is familiar with this feeling of being overwhelmed from many conversations. Her organisation supports families and people who need assistance in their everyday lives – for example, those with relatives who require care or children with disabilities.
«Many single parents who come to us have no one to take over for them.» They sometimes shy away from the bureaucratic effort involved: those seeking support must submit applications, know their rights and clarify financing. «Many don't even know what they are entitled to. And by the time they come to us, they are often so exhausted that everything seems too much.»
It does many parents a world of good when someone recognises what they achieve day in, day out.
Barbara Turina, Managing Director of the Relief Service for the Canton of Zurich
Yvonne Müller from Elternnotruf advises seeking support specifically within your own environment and thinking outside the box. «Single parents need a stable network. This can consist of grandparents, friends or neighbours – people who can regularly lend a helping hand.»
Many communities have family centres, parent cafés or tandem projects where parents support each other. So-called sponsorship models – for example, through Caritas or local social services – can also help to organise childcare or simply allow parents to take a break. According to Müller, it is important that «parents are not ashamed to accept help. No one has to do it alone.»
13. And what should you do if a child has special needs?
The mental load becomes a permanent burden when not only do you have to juggle the daily dual responsibilities of work and family, but you also have a child with disabilities who needs intensive care. Barbara Turina from the relief service says: «Many of these families face multiple burdens: financial, organisational and also social.»
In addition to the constant challenges – therapy appointments, visits to government offices, diagnostics, school and care issues – there is often a feeling of social invisibility. «Those who have a so-called «special child» often have no energy left to maintain social contacts. Their own exhaustion is not seen.»
This makes it all the more important to relieve the burden on those affected at an early stage – through professional services, counselling, and a space where they can say: I can't do this anymore. In such cases, Barbara Turina's organisation provides trained carers who offer relief on an hourly basis. For many parents, says Turina, her carers are «the only ones who really see what they do day in, day out. And it feels incredibly good to finally be seen.»
14. How can couples distribute the burden more fairly?
Once you realise how much invisible work is done every day, you often want to change something. But that is not so easy – even in modern-minded relationships. The good news is that there are concrete strategies for reducing mental load together.
The first step is to make everything that happens in the background visible. Instead of just saying «I'm overloaded», many experts recommend creating mental load lists. Which tasks occur regularly? Who thinks about what? Who organises, plans, reminds and checks?
Patricia Cammarata advises: «It's best to sit down together and list everything that actually needs to be done and considered in everyday life – not just the visible things like washing or shopping, but also the invisible things: remembering doctor's appointments, buying new clothes, planning gifts.»
The second step: define clear responsibilities – with everything that goes with them. «Real relief only comes when entire areas of responsibility, including intellectual responsibility, are handed over,» says psychotherapist Nuša Sager-Sokolić. «When both parties know that they are responsible for this area – not just as a temporary helper or support – then the whole system changes.»
Language also plays a key role. «When you say «I'll help you», you are unconsciously signalling that it is actually your job. This reinforces existing imbalances,» says Nuša Sager-Sokolić. Instead, couples should consciously use phrases such as «I'll take care of...» or «I am responsible for...» – because language changes perception.
Patricia Cammarata sums it up: «It's not enough to work through to-do lists. The other person must also be truly responsible – they plan, execute and remember things themselves. Only then can mental load be reduced.»
It helps if both know: we bear the burden together.
Patricia Cammarata, psychologist
15. What else helps – beyond the division of tasks?
If you want to significantly reduce your mental load, you need more than just a fair division of responsibilities. It's also about actively shaping your everyday life – by setting priorities, reducing tasks where necessary, establishing routines and small rituals, using the right tools and, if necessary, seeking professional support. Psychotherapist Nuša Sager-Sokolić recommends that couples talk regularly: «You can check together whether the distribution of responsibilities is still fair.» This can help to balance expectations and burdens before they build up.
Even small, reliable rituals create structure: a fixed time for planning meetings, clear handovers at the weekend, shared calendars. Sven Steffes-Holländer talks about a kind of mini family conference: «Once a week, we plan: who does what, what is important, what can be left undone?» This way, everyone stays up to date – and the long-term burden is lightened.
If you can't make progress on your own, you can seek help. Many couples and families shy away from this step – out of shame or because they believe they have to manage everything on their own anyway. Psychologist Filomena Sabatella often observes in her counselling sessions: «Many wait too long. Yet a single session could help them see their own limits more clearly – and find new ways forward together.» Her advice: don't wait until you're in crisis to take action. «Mental load is an alarm signal. Counselling can help you take countermeasures in good time.»
16. Is the mental load only fairly distributed with a 50:50 split?
Sven Steffes-Holländer warns: «Equality is not the same as fairness.» It is not helpful to calculate everything down to the last penny – because what works in one phase may be too much in another. It is more important that both partners feel seen and supported – even if that means a 60:40 or 30:70 split.
Filomena Sabatella also advocates dynamic solutions: «It's not about rigid figures, but about taking the needs and possibilities of both sides seriously.» This could also mean consciously building up relief debts during stressful periods – with the promise of settling them together later on.
Patricia Cammarata suggests rethinking the concept of fairness – moving towards a flexible, collaborative approach to responsibility. «It helps when both parties know that we are sharing the burden. And we are discussing what that means at the moment.»
