How can we take better care of ourselves in everyday family life?

Take a deep breath! Do something good for yourself! Come down, take time for yourself! Phrases like these come up regularly in my everyday life. My friends, siblings and work colleagues say them to me. And conversely, I also ask them to look after themselves. I ask them whether they have their own needs in mind alongside the daily to-do madness of children's appointments, housework, work and voluntary work.

Our mutual encouragement, indeed requests, are accompanied by friendly, perhaps somewhat worried looks. In the end, we realise that we are not really living up to these self-care mantras. «Yes, yes,» we say, «you're right. I have to change something. As soon as I've done point XYZ. As soon as I have some breathing space.» And then we postpone our needs indefinitely - because self-care is not in the top ten on our list of priorities.

We all know that this is the wrong approach. At least we realise it when we look at our tense counterpart or our own tired reflection in the mirror. We shouldn't be duty-fulfilling machines, but we still keep running on the hamster wheel.

Cases of parental burnout are steadily increasing

We're in good company with our bite-your-teeth-together attitude; the figures prove it. In the latest «Families in Switzerland» report from the Federal Statistical Office (FSO), one sixth of women and one tenth of men with children under the age of 15 stated that they usually or even always felt overworked. Among women with children under the age of four, the figure was 23 per cent. In 2022, 22 per cent of Swiss employees surveyed rated their level of emotional exhaustion as «quite exhausted».

We constantly postpone our needs - because self-care is not a priority.

The number of parents with sleep disorders, anxiety and mental illness is constantly increasing. According to a study by Pro Familia Switzerland, Switzerland is one of the top ten countries most affected by parental burnout. Pro Familia describes parental burnout as a physical and psychological exhaustion syndrome associated with the parental role. It occurs when parents are exposed to chronic parental stress and do not have the resources they feel are sufficient to compensate for it.

Self-care literally means nothing more than taking good care of yourself. This ability should actually be in our genes. Of course, it is completely normal for the birth of a child to limit our ability to look after ourselves. There are times when parents find little peace and quiet. But even in these phases, there are parents who occasionally hire a babysitter or ask friends and grandparents for help. And there are parents who feel guilty when they take time for themselves.

Our self-image influences our self-care

So why do many of us manage our energy so badly? Why don't we take good care of ourselves as a matter of course? If you ask psychologist and university professor Guy Bodenmann this question, he seems almost pleased, «because it goes to the heart of the matter». Bodenmann is known for his work in the field of couple and family research, particularly for his studies on relationship satisfaction and strengthening families in difficult situations.

We are taught as children whether we are lovable and should take good care of ourselves.

Guy Bodenmann, family researcher

«Good self-care is linked to our self-image and self-worth,» he says. «We are taught from an early age by our carers whether we are important and lovable and should take good care of ourselves.» The way we perceive ourselves and the world as adults is significantly influenced by our childhood influences. We do not consciously remember many of these experiences. However, they are deeply ingrained in our unconscious.

«If I was told as a child that I was somehow not enough and that I had to make an effort to get recognition, then later on I don't feel that I can prioritise my needs,» says the psychologist. We've all heard sayings like «Now pull yourself together», «That's not going to work, try harder» or «Don't make a fuss here!». If you were constantly told this as a child, you internalise this attitude and often don't really feel your own needs as an adult. «You've been trained to keep an eye on yourself, so to speak. Our self-image is then strongly influenced by external expectations, such as parental wishes, the expectations of our circle of friends or social pressure.»

«Our meritocracy holds on to an unwise conviction,» says Linda Rasumowsky, a psychologist and psychotherapist from Zurich. «People who are constantly busy and stressed seem to be needed and are therefore important.» Some people feel downright guilty when they are not working because they feel less valuable and antisocial. Rasumowsky specialises in parenting and mental health and runs the online platform Mentalwellmom.com alongside her practice.

She wants to help parents find a healthy balance between the needs of the family and their own well-being. Her clientele is primarily female. Rasumowsky says that many have too little self-compassion. «They find it difficult to be forgiving and caring towards themselves. They blame themselves for not coping better.»

Being good as a mother, as a partner, at home and at work

Many of these mothers are so-called «high performers»: they regularly go beyond their limits. The thought of their various commitments is omnipresent. They rush from one demand to the next, sleep too little and often poorly. Even the few leisure activities they do have are often about self-optimisation. Regardless of how tired their heads and bodies are, the requirement is that the free hours must be filled with something that is really meaningful. If they have imposed on themselves that they have to go jogging or to the gym, this rule is more important than the impulse to treat themselves to some rest.

Instead of accepting their overload, mothers just want to organise themselves even better.

Linda Rasumowsky, psychologist

Rasumowsky observes that there is a lot of pressure on her clients to be equally good in all areas of life. At the same time, this is hardly possible. The excessive demands are actually evident: according to the Federal Statistical Office, around 82 per cent of mothers in Switzerland work. However, these mothers continue to work more than 50 hours at home, often working more than 80 or 90 hours a week.

«Many women who come to my practice have already tried all sorts of things to cope better,» says Rasumowsky. «But their focus is often on being stricter with themselves and organising themselves even better.» The psychotherapist often begins counselling by first promoting an understanding of what is actually missing. «It's not about more discipline, but about understanding your own stress.» It's about more self-care.

A colleague, a mother of four children, recently told me that she felt guilty because she had reduced her hours and now had one day off a week. She had actually made this decision in order to do something good for herself. She wanted to read in peace. Cook nice meals for herself and the family. Go for walks. Instead, she now uses this day to either work at home because otherwise she feels bad towards her colleagues. Or she spends the whole day cleaning and tidying up. From a purely rational point of view, she realises that she is going against her intentions. But she still felt selfish.

Self-care is not a bubble bath at the end of the day, but an inner attitude, a conviction.

Rita Girzone, developmental psychologist

Caring parents are more patient and loving

One of the reasons many people find it so difficult to change the way they treat themselves is that self-care doesn't have a good image. «Many parents have the feeling that self-care is a luxury, or they feel guilty about looking after themselves when work calls,» says Rita Girzone, a counsellor at Elternnotruf. «But it's not about something you treat yourself to like a bubble bath at the end of the day, it's about an inner attitude and conviction.»

The aim is also not self-optimisation, i.e. to become just as sporty or well-read as you were before having children. It's about developing an understanding of your own personality and individual needs, respecting them and taking them into account.

Rita Girzone was born in the USA and studied education and developmental psychology in Boston. In addition to her work for Elternnotruf, she also works as an integrative counsellor in her own practice. She first has to convince some parents who seek support from the Parent Helpline that self-care is not something they have to earn. «Knowing and recognising your own needs is something that your body and mind urgently need in order to stay healthy and function well in the long term,» Girzone then explains to her clients.

Parents often believe that they have to invest all their time and energy in looking after their children in addition to earning money. They feel they owe it to their children. They often forget that parental self-care has a positive impact on the children - and that a lack of self-care disrupts the family dynamic. «When parents look after their own needs, they are generally more balanced, patient and loving. They are better able to respond to their children's needs,» says Rita Girzone.

If, on the other hand, we as parents are not doing well, perhaps even permanently poorly, we also lack the energy to deal with our children. However, this fact should not tempt us to create a kind of pressure to be cheerful. The point is not that children should not experience any stress, but that they experience a healthy way of dealing with challenges, that the balance between relaxation and exertion is right.

If I'm not feeling well, it always reflects on the people closest to me.

Guy Bodenmann, family researcher

If self-care is lacking, the family climate suffers

«A lack of self-care leads to states of stress or chronic stress. This is difficult to bear, even for those around us,» says psychologist Guy Bodenmann. The family researcher advises against dismissing permanent exhaustion as a completely normal part of everyday parenting. «The first point is that this state always radiates to the people closest to me, i.e. my partner and children. We then become irritable, dominant, intolerant and rigid towards them more quickly.»

The second point is that sensitivity to the children's needs suffers. «This is severely limited if I'm not in balance with myself. But empathy is the core skill in family dynamics.» In addition, parenting skills also suffer: if you are already at your limit and feel fragile, you don't have the capacity to assert yourself if necessary. As a parent, you may be less consistent, perhaps even spoiling, because you want to compensate for your own behaviour.

«Point three is that a lack of self-care can lead to mental disorders such as depression, burnout or anxiety.» This is the latest point at which we can no longer fully fulfil our parental responsibilities. «This is a risk for healthy child development,» says Bodenmann.

Recognising and taking into account basic psychological needs

So how do you start when you realise that things can't go on like this? «The first step is to become aware of your needs in the first place,» says psychologist Linda Rasumowsky. We all know that we have basic physical needs such as sleep, food or warmth. But few of us realise that we also have basic psychological needs, around which our feelings and actions revolve from morning to night.

Our need for attachment and belonging is one of our basic psychological needs. «We also have a need for autonomy and self-determination,» says Linda Rasumowsky. We want to feel that we have some control over our lives. «If this possibility is suddenly severely restricted when you become a parent, it's not a luxury problem, but a real challenge for the psyche,» says Rasumowsky.

It provides psychological relief not to judge yourself, but to reflect on who you are and what you need.

Linda Rasumowsky, psychologist

It depends on our personality how much this affects us. If you need more breaks for yourself than others, that doesn't make you a bad parent. One mum may be happy to have her child with her around the clock. The other sometimes feels chained down. «It provides psychological relief not to judge yourself, but to reflect on who you are and what you need.»

Establishing healthy strategies in everyday life

Mums and dads who are desperate often call the parent helpline. Sometimes it's about a baby who can't be soothed. But sometimes it's also about a teenager with whom contact is lost in the fast pace of everyday life. Rita Girzone and her team then provide counselling on two levels: Firstly, the aim is to help in the stressful situation. After that, however, a process is often set in motion in order to make a fundamental change.

Rita Girzone works with the Mindful Self-Compassion approach, in which you learn to treat yourself with kindness and compassion. She distinguishes between three forms of self-care.

Situational self-care helps when we are in alarm mode and need to regulate or calm ourselves down. Physiological strategies such as breathing exercises or exercise are often used here.

Proactive self-care ensures that we reach our limits less often. It involves establishing strategies in our everyday lives to stay healthy and balanced. It's about managing our time, prioritising and planning breaks. «When the children are small, you can't meditate for an hour in the morning. But we can find five minutes to have a coffee in peace and quiet. Or we go for a short walk in the evening when it's quiet,» says Rita Girzone.

We can establish fixed times that we reserve for enjoyment and self-care. What we understand by indulgence naturally also has something to do with personal preferences. One person likes good food. Another wants to listen to a podcast in peace. Or watch a film. Experiencing nature lifts almost everyone's mood - and costs nothing.

If we constantly deny ourselves our needs, we lose touch with what makes us who we are.

Proactive self-care involves making use of support, utilising networks and consulting with your partner. This also includes taking individual circumstances into account: Families are diverse. A single mother organises herself differently to a couple where both parents work part-time. «Solutions can often be found even in challenging situations, for example with the help of family, friends or neighbours,» says Girzone.

Self-care strengthens our sense of self

Proactive self-care is also about setting boundaries. «That can mean saying no more often,» explains the counsellor. She advises parents not to be generous when it goes beyond their own limits. Those who constantly sacrifice themselves and refuse to fulfil their needs constantly - and rightly so! - the feeling that they are missing out on their own joie de vivre. Naturally, this situation is stressful and makes you bad-tempered. At worst, you begrudge others their joie de vivre.

Why does colleague X have time for a short holiday again? How often does Mrs Y actually go for a massage? Does your partner have to go to the gym all the time? «You run the risk of being envious much more quickly. But if you dare to take your own needs and limits seriously, you can be authentically generous and say yes from the bottom of your heart.»

Girzone describes the third form of self-care as bonus self-care. This involves additions such as a spa evening, a concert visit or a family holiday. «However, these bonuses are only beneficial in the long term if they are embedded in an attitude in which we consider our well-being to be important,» says Rita Girzone. Of course it's nice and important to take special time with the family. But it doesn't change anything in the long term if you carry on as before afterwards.

Self-care is a form of self-regulation. It strengthens our sense of self. If we don't take good care of ourselves, if we constantly deny ourselves our needs, then we lose touch with what makes us who we are. We miss the moments when we feel strong, light and right. We lose a part of the meaning of life. As parents, we should also realise what we are teaching our children. They learn a lot through observation and imitation. When they see their parents taking time for themselves, they learn that it is okay to look after themselves. That makes them strong. And that's what we're all about, isn't it?