Martina Jüsi, 39, and Mike Reichen, 40, live with their three children (aged 11, 9 and 7) in Spiez, Bern. She is a teacher, while he is self-employed in horticulture and works as a social education worker.
Martina: "When we started our family, we were full of idealism. We wanted to share the care work fairly, both stay in our jobs – and not get overwhelmed in the process. We thought: we've thought about these issues, so we'll be able to manage. But a few years and three children later, we realise that it's much more difficult than we thought.
For me, mental load is a constant, invisible companion. It is always there, from morning to night, and sometimes even wakes me up at night. It's not just about getting lots of tasks done, but constantly thinking about everything, not forgetting anything, being present. Since all three children are in the system – nursery, school – this has intensified. A lot of things come to me automatically. I have to consciously set boundaries and delegate. That takes time and energy.
An example: Although Mike is responsible for the music school, queries are directed to me. Parent chats, doctor's appointments, meetings – it all ends up with me. Often in the middle of my working day. Then I sit between two lessons and try to quickly arrange an appointment. Sometimes I think: It would be easier if I quit and concentrated on one thing.
I actually spent a year at home when our youngest daughter was little. That was much easier in terms of organisation. Although I was completely occupied with my role as a mother of three, I missed having space for my own interests, intellectual challenges and the feeling of being effective outside the family. I also often felt envious of Mike, who was able to do all of this.
Sunday evening meetings as a key tool
What helps us is our Sunday evening meeting. Once the children are asleep, we sit down with our calendars, write the meal plan, coordinate appointments and assign tasks. It's not romantic, but it helps. It makes the week more transparent and also makes the mental load more visible and manageable.
What really helps me: When I notice that Mike sees my mental burden – and takes responsibility.
Martina, mother
We have completely divided up some tasks. Mike goes to the dentist, for example – I have no idea when the next check-up is. And that's a good thing. I generally try to hold back when it comes to automatically organising things. Don't take over again straight away, don't arrange everything yourself.
What really helps me is when I notice that Mike sees my mental burden – and takes responsibility. We need more role models and a shift in society's mindset: it's not «the woman manages everything», but family work as an equal, socially shared task»
Mike: «I never wanted to be a weekend dad. I realised this again when we tried the traditional model with our youngest daughter – Martina stayed at home full-time and I worked full-time. It was easier to organise, yes. But I hardly saw the children anymore. I had less influence on their upbringing and our bond immediately weakened. That wasn't good for me.
That's why we both now work reduced hours – I work around 70 per cent and Martina 60 per cent – and have two days of responsibility per week. On one day, the children are in afternoon care. That sounds well planned – and it is. For us as a couple, however, it's still a daily challenge to divide up the tasks and keep track of everything.
I don't just want to help, I want to play an active role.
Mike, father
The Sunday evening meeting is our key tool: we sit down, plan the week and clarify appointments. It's no big deal, but it creates structure and helps to avoid misunderstandings.
It's important to me to be able to do things my way. I don't just want to help, I want to be involved in shaping things. If I forget an appointment, I just make a new one. That's part of it.
We often see how society needs to change its perspective. When I say I work 70 per cent, people say, «Oh, you're a very present father.» When Martina says she works a similar amount, people say, «How do you manage with the children? How do they cope with that?» That kind of thing is annoying. It makes it harder to live in a truly equal way»
