The value of loving yourself

Maurice lies awake. He can't fall asleep. The ten-year-old boy is not afraid of monsters that might be lurking under his bed - no, he is plagued by self-doubt. He worries that he hasn't learnt enough for tomorrow's test. And he is afraid that he will play badly in the team game at the weekend.

«Even as a small child, Maurice was anxious and full of self-doubt,» explains his mother. «He often says he wishes he was a better, more popular boy.»

Anastasia is completely different. Born in Ukraine, she moved to Switzerland eight years ago. She didn't speak a word of German. Now the 14-year-old attends a long-term grammar school and is committed to climate protection in her free time. She says about herself: «Of course I sometimes grumble about my appearance or get upset about a bad grade. But I actually like the way I am.»

The boy who doubts himself, the girl who believes in herself: How is it that one child thinks they are not enough, while the other is basically satisfied with themselves and the world? The answer lies in a competence that psychology calls «self-worth». We laypeople call it self-love.

This refers to the balance between «liking oneself» and «feeling competent» or «the subjective perception of one's own value, the appreciation of one's own personality, satisfaction with oneself», as defined by the US psychologist Morris Rosenberg in 1965.

How does this self-esteem develop? Is it innate or does it develop during childhood? What factors influence this development? What happens when self-esteem is low?

Our dossier in the 12/2019 magazine , from which this text is taken, deals with these questions. It also explores the question of what parents can do to strengthen their children's self-esteem. And attempts to find out whether and in what way grades and school influence a child's self-esteem.

Self-love instead of self-love

Let us first clarify the terminology. Self-love seems to be the word of the hour. The hashtag #self-love floods Instagram with 510,000 posts - and the trend is constantly rising. How is self-love portrayed? As a smiling selfie, with a cappuccino in hand and a heart drawn in the milk foam.

A glance at the Swiss Library Association reveals similar trivialities. There are hundreds of books with unreservedly affirmative titles such as «The child in you must find a home», «Marry yourself!» or «Healthy ego, strong self».

Narcissism is the addiction to oneself. The endeavour to love oneself.

This has more to do with self-love than self-love. Self-love stands for an unflattering personality trait: narcissism. Narcissism is the addiction to oneself. The endeavour to love oneself.

«Me, me, most me» is how Austrian psychiatrist Reinhard Haller describes the narcissistic credo in his book «The Narcissism Trap». «The narcissist needs the applause like an addict needs the drug,» explains Haller, «he is thoroughly dependent on the admiration of those around him.»

Self-love, on the other hand, is a far cry from this: according to psychology, those who love themselves accept their own personality with all its facets. A person who truly loves themselves can accept themselves as they are, regardless of external applause - especially in difficult times. You intuitively feel that the world won't come to an end because I'm basically okay.

The emergence of the «I»

But how does this feeling arise? Firstly, it requires that you have an image of yourself. This image, in turn, is influenced by three factors: firstly, by how you are perceived by others. Secondly, the idea of how you are judged by others. Thirdly, by the feelings you develop about this judgement.

All of this requires a person to be able to perceive themselves as a person, as an «I», and to be able to reflect on their actions and thoughts. This takes place in a process that begins at birth. A child is not born as a personality. It enters the world as a so-called genotype, as a carrier of genetic material given to it by its parents. In the first few weeks of life, the child does not yet perceive itself as its own person, but as one with its mother.

At the same time, it experiences that its behaviour has an effect: When it cries, it is calmed; when it is hungry, it is fed; when it smiles at the carer, the carer smiles back. These responses reflect the child's behaviour. These are the very first experiences that the child has of its own person.

In exchange with this environment, the child's phenotype develops, the observable expression of the genotype, which encompasses both the physical characteristics and the behaviour of a person. Parental responses at an emotional level are the basis for the young child's self-esteem and self-respect.

«When things are going well, I experience as a newborn that my parents look at me lovingly and care for me,» explains Swiss psychotherapist Verena Kast. The small child stores this experience of feeling good, being noticed and wanted as so-called basic trust.

And then the big moment: the child discovers itself as a person. It no longer sees a potential play partner in its reflection, but knows: That's me!

The extent to which a child is valued in the first six years of life is the most important factor for later self-confidence and self-esteem.

Ulrich Orth, Professor of Developmental Psychology

From then on, the child becomes more independent, learns to walk, eat and dress itself. They can only have this experience if they have confidence in their actions and trust in themselves at the same time.

«This trust is only possible if the parents succeed in providing the child with warmth, protection, comfort, care and security, supporting it in its autonomous endeavours and promoting its cognitive and social development,» says Ulrich Orth, Professor of Developmental Psychology at the University of Bern.

To summarise in one sentence: «The degree of appreciation a child receives in the first six years of life is the most important factor for later self-confidence and self-esteem.»

The child should be taught by their parents: «You are good and wanted the way you are.» If they have this certainty, it is not a bad thing if parents occasionally get upset or angry because the child repeatedly comes home late, does not tidy their room or argues extensively with a sibling. This does not destroy their basic trust.

It all comes down to social relationships

The certainty of being able to rely on the support of their carers is one of a child's most important resources. In an emotionally positive educational environment with adults who set an example of constructive ways of dealing with stress, children can experience a sense of security, structure and purpose.

Social relationships are the determining factor for self-worth.

Ulrich Orth, Professor of Developmental Psychology

Their self-esteem is in constant development: from the rather unconscious experiences in infancy, they expand these with other people, with colleagues, neighbours and babysitters. Friends are formative and become the most important social influencing factor in puberty at the latest.

«Overall, we know from many studies that social relationships are the determining factor for self-worth. They are more important than performance, grades, profession or prestige,» says Ulrich Orth.

We know how important they are from our own experience. What adult doesn't suffer when they are turned down in love? And what child is not disappointed when they are not invited to a birthday party?

This need to «belong» is based on evolutionary necessities: Being socially integrated was vital for survival in early human civilisations; exclusion from the community was an existential threat.

Comments from third parties shape children's self-acceptance

«Social rejection lowers self-esteem; the feeling of being well integrated raises it,» writes US psychologist Mark Leary in a widely recognised study. Leary also says that after experiencing rejection, people usually do everything they can to regain the acceptance of others.

However, while the regulation process seems to work well for most people, people with low self-esteem often react with socially unfavourable behaviour that is not helpful, but rather reinforces the difficulties.

Social rejection lowers self-esteem, the feeling of being well integrated raises it.

Mark Leary, US psychologist

For example, they tend to judge the person rejecting them as less likeable or doubt their competence. They also tend to withdraw even more socially.

For children in particular, comments made by third parties play a major role in the development of self-acceptance. They are not (yet) able to avoid or categorise these assessments of their person. In addition, every girl or boy evokes certain reactions with their character and behaviour. Depending on the type of evaluation, these trigger positive or negative feelings in the child.

The frequency with which the child is confronted with negative judgements also plays a role. «Impulsive children, for example, hear statements such as «No», «Don't do that» or «Watch out» more often than reserved children,» explains Urs Meier, curative educator and lecturer at the Intercantonal University for Special Needs Education in Zurich. The child stores these judgements within itself.

The older the child gets, the more experiences it has with these judgements. As a rule, they then choose fields that correspond to their talents, interests and personality - and in which they can gain experiences that strengthen their self-esteem.

Genes have an influence on our lives, but ultimately only define a space of possibilities in which we find ourselves. The rest depends on individual behaviour, our own decisions and stimuli from our environment.

I've never tried that before. So I'm absolutely sure that I can do it.

Pippi Longstocking

Children with low self-esteem often withdraw more than necessary in new or ambiguous situations, says Orth. «In general, people with low self-esteem show more avoidance behaviour, so they are more reserved when making contact and tend to shy away from accepting challenges at work or in social situations.»

Maurice, the boy in our example, is also familiar with this. He has a stomach ache when faced with a new situation and would prefer to stay at home. Anastasia, on the other hand, has experienced many unfamiliar situations and coped well with them. What was different for her?

«There are many personality factors that influence how people cope with difficult situations or failure,» explains Orth. «The decisive factor is self-efficacy, i.e. the expectation that you can master certain situations, even if you don't yet know how.»

People who derive their self-worth from several sources are better able to deal with situations in which failure occurs in an important area of life.

But self-esteem also has an influence. Those who base their self-esteem too much on external factors, such as success at work, will find it very stressful if they fail in this area. People who derive their self-esteem from several sources are better able to deal with situations in which failure occurs in an important area of life.

Other factors that can boost a child's self-esteem are praise and recognition. Children who are afraid of bad grades cannot go into an exam situation without stress and are therefore likely to achieve poorer results.

Parents and teachers can reduce this fear by strengthening the child's self-esteem. The New Zealand education researcher John Hattie is convinced that feedback is a very powerful means of strengthening a child's self-esteem.

«Wrong answers are not a bad thing, they help with learning. However, schools focus too often on negative feedback. If someone has done well, they don't receive any feedback,» says Hattie.

In fact, authentic praise has a positive effect on self-esteem. This was discovered by psychologist Eddie Brummelman from the University of Amsterdam. In an experiment, he investigated the relationship between praise and self-confidence. His results show that self-confidence is boosted when children are praised for their efforts and strategies rather than their successes: «You've chosen a nice blue colour for your picture!»

Then they don't doubt their abilities, but try again and again despite some failed attempts. And they choose difficult challenges rather than easy tasks. It all depends on how praise is given, writes Brummelman on the specialist website behaviouralscientist.org.

How do you support children with less self-confidence?

And what can parents of a less confident child do in everyday life? «First of all, it's about finding out what a child is particularly good at, i.e. emphasising their strengths instead of dwelling on their weaknesses,» explains Basil Eckert, head educational psychologist in the canton of Schwyz.

«Parents can think about what positive character traits they have and what they are particularly interested in. These strengths should be praised and encouraged. Perhaps they will blossom with a particular hobby, in a sports club or in music. In this way, parents can see a different, more self-confident side of their child.»

If you want to strengthen children in the long term, psychologist Sarah Zanoni recommends that parents regularly talk to their child about their strengths. Rest assured: progress comes with practice.

The goal is to recognise yourself as valuable. That sounds easy, but it's difficult, because corresponding beliefs such as «I won't be able to solve this task» or «The others don't want to spend time with me» have been trained over the years.

Average self-esteem rises steadily from adolescence and reaches its peak at around 60 to 70 years of age.

Ulrich Orth, Professor of Developmental Psychology

Fortunately, however, our entire development helps us in our struggle with self-doubt. This is because «average self-esteem rises steadily from adolescence and reaches its peak at around 60 to 70 years of age,» says Ulrich Orth.

In order to maintain or achieve mental health, experts also recommend using «self-compassion». Australian psychologist Sarah L. Marshall found in a study of 2,500 young people that the negative effects of low self-esteem can be mitigated if you treat yourself with compassion and understanding in a crisis.

This is such good news because it is easier to increase self-compassion in people than self-esteem. So if your son or daughter has doubts about themselves at some point, you can strengthen their compassion. Recognise what is happening: «This is simply a difficult situation», «This hurts!» or «This has gone really badly». And then ask: «What would do you good right now?»

Take a break together. Take a deep breath. Write down what the child was particularly happy about or proud of. And keep at it. Cultivating goodwill takes time.