Two fathers swim with their children to a diving platform in the lake. After a short break, one father takes a run-up and dives into the water, his daughter bravely following suit. The second girl hesitates – and then takes the ladder. Her father doesn't push her; he's not keen on diving himself. The other father laughs at the two of them and shouts: «Haha, they don't dare!»
Nowadays, parents everywhere read about how important it is to boost their children's self-esteem and self-confidence. But what role does their own self-confidence play in this? As a father, do you have to jump into the lake just to set a good example for your child?
Every child is born with their own character traits.
Patrizia Luger, Childcare Specialist
As a mother, have you failed to boost your child's self-confidence if they don't dare to take on a solo role in a musical performance – even though they have a beautiful voice? Or are such personality traits genetically determined, which is why some people like to stand alone on stage while others feel more comfortable in a large choir?
What others say about us
Parents of several children in particular often observe that while child number one eagerly engages every stranger in conversation, child number two prefers to hold back and lets their parents order the ice cream. «Every child has their own character traits that they are born with,» says Patrizia Luger, who works for Child Protection Switzerland.
Parents and their relationship with their child have a decisive influence on how these traits develop. «In the first years of life, our self-image is primarily shaped by what others say to us,» says psychologist Marion Lemper-Pychlau from Königstein im Taunus (Germany).
Accepting yourself
She describes this as a «huge opportunity for parents, but also an enormous risk for children.» Phrases such as «You'll be a great footballer one day!» or «You're so good at drawing!» stick in children's minds just as much as «You're always so loud!» or «Your siblings could swim at this age.»
Feeling loved and valued by your parents for who you are has a positive influence on your self-esteem. People with good self-esteem are able to accept themselves as they are. If something about their personality bothers them, they take action and try to change it. The belief that they can do this comes from self-confidence. This is the ability to know your own strengths and weaknesses and to be able to assess your skills and limitations well.
Self-esteem and self-confidence together form what is perceived as self-confidence. Therefore, it can be self-confident to jump into the lake. But it can be just as self-confident to stand up and say, «I'm not doing that.» The decisive factor is how you feel about yourself in the process – and how you deal with the reactions of those around you. Parents lay the foundations for this.
Especially in the first three years of life, parents can lay the foundation for trust and a positive self-image in their child.
Sabine Kinzer, education specialist
Difficult to set boundaries
«Especially in the first three years of life, parents can lay the foundation for emotional security, trust and a positive self-image in their children through a secure and loving bond,» says Sabine Kinzer, who works as an education specialist in early childhood parenting counselling for the Pro Juventute Foundation – a contact point that can be reached by telephone on weekday evenings and Saturday mornings, as well as via chat at any time.
If children do not develop healthy self-esteem, they find it more difficult to set boundaries with others and not let themselves be influenced by everything. They jump into the lake anyway, even though they may panic underwater. Or they doubt themselves strongly when they don't dare to do something .
They tend to be less optimistic about life and find it harder to build relationships with others. They are less able to cope with stress and setbacks, or they avoid challenges altogether for fear of not being able to overcome them. «In adulthood, this can have a significant impact on both their professional and private lives,» says Marion Lemper-Pychlau.
Self-esteem can fluctuate
Parents who lack these personal skills also find it more difficult to raise children. «When it comes to parenting, I need to have a clear stance. If I let myself be easily influenced by others or constantly give in to my own children out of insecurity, I will quickly feel overwhelmed and stressed,» says Patrizia Luger. She runs the «Strong Parents, Strong Children» programme . These courses help parents to approach their everyday lives with more confidence so that they can strengthen their children accordingly.
Unlike skills such as reading or cycling, self-esteem and self-confidence can be shaken or lost. «Personality skills are a very fragile thing,» says Marion Lemper-Pychlau. This means that even if children are born with good self-esteem, it can be shaken in adulthood – for example, by illness, separation, redundancy or constant comparison on social media.
Watching yourself think
However, the fact that self-esteem is not a static quantity also opens up the opportunity to work on personality skills throughout one's life. «Parents can develop themselves and change things at any time. To do so, however, they need to know themselves well,» says Patrizia Luger.
As an exercise, Marion Lemper-Pychlau recommends «observing your own thoughts more often». How is your self-esteem determined? What goes through my mind when I notice that my child is not jumping into the lake like the other children? Do I worry a lot about what the other children and parents think of him and of me? Or do I not care?
Beliefs from the parental home
And how does my self-esteem affect how I interact with my child? Do I push them to do things just to satisfy myself or those around me? («Come on, jump, don't be a scaredy-cat!») Am I able to encourage my child? («We can climb up onto the platform and look into the water. Maybe you'd like to try it when there aren't so many people around.») Or do I tend to shield them from new experiences, challenges or risks? («That's far too dangerous. Anything could happen!»)
«In a further step, I clarify which values are really important to me and my family,» says Patrizia Luger. In her daily work, she repeatedly observes how many parents live according to beliefs that are not their own, but have been adopted from their parents' home.
«Just because tidiness and cleanliness played such an important role there, I don't have to feel bad if that's not the case in my home. Perhaps it's more important to me to spend more time with my children,» Luger gives as an example.
The influence of social media
Another helpful tip for working on your self-esteem is to avoid constantly focusing on everything you haven't achieved or accomplished. «We all have successes to be proud of. You just have to focus your attention on them and remind yourself of things like your partner, healthy children or friends,» says Marion Lemper-Pychlau.
Social media should also be mentioned in this context. Platforms such as Instagram mean that all the supposedly perfect mothers – and occasionally fathers – are just a click away. You might find this funny because you see through the facade or simply don't care how other families live. «But many parents doubt themselves when they see such images,» says Sabine Kinzer. «Because this constant comparability with others is a major challenge to self-esteem.»
Seek out a positive environment
Marion Lemper-Pychlau recommends distancing yourself from things and people that drag you down, make you feel inferior or react negatively to your successes – and instead seek out a positive environment for your own protection. Even on Instagram, there are now plenty of parents who don't stage their supposedly perfect family idyll, but show dark circles under their eyes, angry children and devastated kitchens without any embellishment.
Every person has their own strengths and weaknesses and makes mistakes. That is perfectly acceptable.
Sabine Kinzer, education specialist
In her consultations, Sabine Kinzer also encourages parents to focus more on themselves and their own self-esteem – instead of constantly comparing themselves to others or defining their self-worth solely in terms of performance.
«Every family is different and has its own system. Every person has their own strengths and weaknesses and makes mistakes. That's perfectly okay,» is her most important message. «And when I don't know what to do, I can admit that I need help – without feeling bad about it.»
resilience
Self-esteem and self-confidence are important keys to developing resilience. People who see themselves in a positive light, believe in themselves and know what they are capable of are more likely to try new things – even if they don't work out right away. But if you keep trying, you will eventually experience a sense of achievement – which in turn boosts your self-confidence.
Social contacts also contribute to people's resilience. Meeting up with friends and participating in social activities with family, clubs or sports can help reduce stress and recharge your batteries.
Other influencing factors
Although all three experts emphasise how important parents are in developing their children's self-esteem and self-confidence, they also say that there are other influencing factors.
«Children have other close relationships, such as grandparents, siblings or teachers,» says Patrizia Luger. These people can also encourage and strengthen children in their actions – just as they can damage their self-esteem.
«And even in nuclear families, most children today are influenced by two adults with often very different characteristics and skills due to the stronger presence of their fathers,» says Patrizia Luger.
