Why is my child acting up like this?

Anger is an innate emotion with an important function. It tells us that something is not as it should be from our point of view and motivates us to defend our boundaries. While tantrums occur several times a day in young children and peak between the ages of two and four, they usually decrease as childhood progresses.

As they mature, children learn to better recognise their feelings and empathise with others. In everyday life, they gradually develop strategies to regulate their feelings, inhibit aggressive impulses , resolve conflicts and problems, react more flexibly, or shield themselves in situations where they are exposed to many stimuli.

Anger indicates to us that something is not as it should be from our perspective.

Various causes

Children develop very differently in these areas. Genetic factors such as innate temperament, family climate and social environment, role models, stress factors such as poverty or an unsafe environment, and trauma all play a role, emphasises developmental psychologist Tina Malti. The professor teaches and conducts research on aggression and empathy at the Universities of Leipzig and Toronto.

In addition, children on the autism spectrum, with ADHD or who are highly sensitive often have greater difficulties with emotion regulation. Outbursts of anger can therefore have various causes, which should be investigated with the help of a specialist depending on their intensity and the level of distress they cause.

Below, however, we would like to focus on specific ways in which caregivers can help prevent outbursts of anger, defuse critical situations, support children and young people through their anger, and work with them to develop strategies for dealing with challenging situations. In doing so, we assume that emotional outbursts and aggressive behaviour are usually an expression of feeling overwhelmed.

Identify triggers

Adults often have the impression that a child's emotional outbursts come out of nowhere. However, if we look at heated situations with a researcher's eye, we can often discover recurring patterns.

To do this, it is worth documenting every outburst in writing for a few days. Then we can ask ourselves: What do these situations have in common? What connections become apparent?

There is a great deal that can be done preventively to counter emotional outbursts.

Stefanie Burkert, special needs teacher

Perhaps we notice that a child becomes more easily upset at certain times of the day. Do they react strongly to hunger and become angry more quickly when it has been a while since their last meal? Are they overexcited after school and do they lose their temper when they are immediately bombarded with questions about their homework?

Does it regularly escalate when they are woken up in the morning and have to get dressed, get ready in the bathroom and quickly pack their gym bag by themselves? Some children are also easily overstimulated. Large groups, lots of noise, bright lights or an itchy jumper can push them to their limits.

Can this situation be changed?

However, you may also notice that your child cannot cope with sudden changes of plan, finds it particularly difficult when they lose a game, are rejected by others or find themselves in a situation that reminds them of a traumatic experience.

Once we have identified specific triggers, we can ask ourselves: Can this situation be changed? And what would help the child to cope better with the demands?

Stefanie Burkert, a teacher at the Intermezzo special needs school in Zurich, says: «There is a lot you can do preventively to cushion emotional outbursts. Predictability is key: children need to know what to expect so that they don't feel uncertain.»

Small adjustments can make a big difference

This includes, for example, fixed rituals at the beginning and end of lessons, an overview of upcoming tasks and activities in the form of a visualised daily schedule, and a high degree of clarity: Where do I sit? Where are my materials? What is expected of me? Who can help me if I get stuck?

It is often small adjustments that provide relief for children: hearing protection, places to retreat to, rest periods, a fixed workspace at school, familiar routines, a small snack at the right time.

If young people know their point of no return, they are more likely to escape the vortex.

Yves Linder, psychotherapist

Involve the children

Malina, mother of a seven-year-old boy with ADHD, who tells her son's story in this dossier, was able to defuse the most difficult situations at school with the help of the teachers: «My son is allowed to be the first or last to enter the cloakroom in front of the classroom so that he has more peace and quiet and cannot get into conflicts if it is too noisy or crowded for him. Since then, things have been better and he is making more friends.»

Often, children themselves can identify such triggers. To get them to engage in these conversations, you need to take a step back and show a lot of tact, as Dario Petrelli points out. He is a psychotherapist in Bern who works with children who display aggressive behaviour: «Many children are ashamed of their outbursts. In these cases, it is important to divert attention away from the child. I like to use a whiteboard for this and invite the children to search for the causes like detectives. I ask them: How did this situation manage to upset you so much? If you ask why the child acted in this way, they will quickly feel accused. It's also important to broaden your perspective and ask: What happened before – at school, at home? This helps the child realise that it wasn't just this one moment, but many things that came together and overwhelmed them.»

Like a vacuum cleaner

Many children and young people who struggle with emotional outbursts and aggressive behaviourexperience their anger as uncontrollable at a certain point and feel helplessly at its mercy. This makes it all the more important to recognise the first warning signs early on and take them seriously.

Bernese psychotherapist Yves Linder is also familiar with such cases. He explains: «I work with young people to help them recognise their personal «point of no return» – that moment when emotions become so strong that it is almost impossible to control them. We compare it to a vacuum cleaner: the closer you get to the tube, the stronger the suction becomes and the more difficult it is to counteract it. We draw a timeline and pay attention to which warning signs appear first. These can be thoughts, physical sensations, feelings or actions. The early warning signs are important because you can still escape the vortex at that point.»

I keep my distance from the raging child and never block their path so that they do not feel threatened.

Julia Gontersweiler, social education worker

Based on this, the therapy develops a pool of ideas for reducing tension, which is geared towards the interests of the children and young people – be it exercise, relaxation exercises or a creative activity.

Detecting warning signs

It is also valuable for caregivers to recognise the early warning signs in children. These can vary greatly. Some children and young people show physical tension: they clench their jaws, ball their fists or snort.

Some start to taunt their sibling, bump into them «accidentally» or kick them under the table. Others turn their gaze or body away or withdraw. Sometimes typical statements such as «Everyone is against me!», «That's unfair!» or «It's always me!» indicate a high level of tension.

The sooner you respond to these warning signs, the sooner children and young people will be receptive to suggestions such as «Would you like to have a quick go on the trampoline?» or «That's a bit too much right now. Would you like to rest for a while and listen to an audiobook or some music in your room?»

Escalation can often be prevented if we refrain from making additional demands and engaging in fundamental discussions at such times.

What to do when it goes bang?

But not every outburst can be avoided. When a child screams, rages, thrashes about, lashes out or breaks things, or when a teenager hurls insults, slams the door and barricades themselves in their room, it is almost impossible to stop the outburst or defuse the situation. Instead, the priority is to avoid further fuelling the spiral of escalation. There are several things we can do to achieve this.

1. Ensure safety

If a child lashes out at others in anger, hitting, kicking and biting them or destroying the living room, safety should be the top priority. This may mean taking siblings to safety in another room and putting valuable items out of reach.

Sometimes parents or teachers have no choice but to restrain a child in order to protect themselves or others. However, being restrained in anger usually leads directly to massive resistance or a panic reaction on the part of the child. Therefore, this should only be done in an absolute emergency. If you do restrain the child, only hold them for a second or two and then let them go.

We can convey to the child: I am here, but I am not imposing myself on you.

Special needs teacher and school counsellor Sammy Frey suggests simply taking the child by the hands and making a quick circular motion to free them from their vortex. Now give them a moment to catch their breath. The important thing here is your attitude: I don't want to overwhelm you. I simply cannot allow you to hurt others – and I will let you go immediately if you stop hitting.

Teacher Stefanie Burkert also emphasises how important it is to seek help from someone at this point. Depending on the school, this could be a social education or special education specialist, a teacher, the school management, school social workers or a classroom assistant.

As a parent, you are usually the only adult in the room in this situation. As soon as the child gets a little older and physically stronger, these moments also become threatening for parents. Till Schnittfeld, a specialist in forensic child and adolescent psychiatry, repeatedly sees parents who are afraid of their children: «This can be toxic for the parent-child relationship. And it can also be frightening and unsettling for the child when they sense this. This can lead to beliefs such as: What kind of monster am I that my parents are afraid of me? This can damage their identity development. In this case, psychotherapeutic or psychiatric help may be useful.»

2. Give space

During an outburst of anger, children are highly strung, overexcited and no longer receptive. Every touch, every word, every additional stimulus can exacerbate the outburst.

Social education worker Julia Gontersweiler has also observed this. She teaches children with social and emotional difficulties in primary and secondary school and describes what parents and teachers can look out for in escalating situations: «I keep my distance from the child and never block their path so that they don't feel threatened. I make sure I stand relaxed and move calmly. Standing sideways makes me appear less threatening. If I can be sure that I won't be attacked myself, I often sit down on the floor. This makes me appear smaller and the child doesn't have to be afraid that I will suddenly move closer. I don't look at them all the time, but also in a different or the same direction. However, I never turn my back on the child, but always keep them in view.»

Some children and young people are better able to regulate themselves when they are allowed to withdraw: they slip under their desks at school or hide under the covers or in the wardrobe at home.

As adults, we can convey to children: «I am here, but I will not impose myself on you.» This also means respecting the child's boundaries. If a child needs distance from us, then we should grant it to them.

3. Change the context

It is often helpful if the child can leave the situation that triggered the outburst. If this has been agreed in advance, you can take them to a previously defined safe place. There, they can calm down together with a caregiver or alone – depending on what helps the child more.

You can also offer them activities that help them to regulate themselves. Perhaps the child would like to pursue their interests, such as doing crafts or building with Lego in peace, listening to music or doing a relaxation exercise.

Stress hormones can also be broken down more quickly when large muscle groups are moved, such as when jumping, running, shaking yourself out or dancing. Less effective methods include the frequently recommended venting on a punching bag or hitting a pillow. Individual studies show that this reinforces the link between anger and aggressive behaviour.

4. Remain calm yourself

Children can regulate themselves better when we ourselves radiate calm and security. Julia Gontersweiler says: «It is important to breathe calmly and speak to the child in a relaxed voice. If we speak to them in a loud or stressed voice, we are not giving them the opportunity to reduce their stress – on the contrary.»

Violence is usually an attempt to gain control over a situation that is no longer under control.

Till Schnittfeld, child and adolescent psychiatrist

It helps children when they sense that their caregivers are saying, «I am here, I can handle your feelings and I am not afraid of them.» Staying calm also means speaking as little as possible and under no circumstances talking to the child in a soft, soothing tone of voice.

What children's anger can trigger in parents

All of this is an enormous challenge for most parents. A child's anger often overwhelms us like a wave and triggers a flood of emotions in us adults: anger, insecurity, helplessness, perhaps even shame and fear. It can give us a sense of security if we prepare ourselves mentally for such situations and perhaps even write down how we want to react in the future.

In acute situations, it also helps to remind ourselves that we do not have to resolve or solve the problem right now, but that the only thing that matters is to ride out the wave until the emotions subside. This approach takes an enormous amount of energy and is not always possible.

Violence caused by excessive demands

But when emotions run so high that parents lose control, action must be taken, as Till Schnittfeld emphasises: «Violence is usually an attempt to regain control over a situation that is spiralling out of control. When I see parents in my practice who hit their children, they are not bad people. They are often overwhelmed because they feel so cornered, for example, that they see no other way out. In such cases, it is essential to be able to talk about the incidents in a non-judgmental setting. Professional support can be helpful here.»

You should show understanding towards the child or young person without trivialising their aggressive behaviour.

Discussing outbreaks

Tempers have finally calmed down, and as the caregiver, you feel relieved. Now you would like to move on to the agenda and put the incident behind you. Understandably, children and young people often have no desire to revisit their outburst in the evening or the next day.

But especially when children and young people regularly lose control and harm themselves and others as a result, it is important to build up the missing skills and discuss the issue with the child again and again: «How do you want to react the next time a similar situation arises? What could help you do that?»

Here, it is important to show the child or young person understanding and appreciation – without trivialising or excusing their aggressive behaviour. Psychotherapist Yves Linder emphasises: «When young people realise that I appreciate them one hundred per cent, then I can also be completely open and direct. I sometimes say clearly: «Can I be honest with you? I get the impression that your behaviour wasn't meant to be malicious. Because I can sense very clearly that you're a good person. But you've made some bad decisions in the past that have caused problems for you or others. Now we're here together so that this doesn't happen again in the future.»»

Engaging in conversation with children

When children and young people shut down conversations, sometimes an indirect approach can help us get further. With younger children, a similar situation can be re-enacted with characters in a game and then asked: «What could the little wolf do now? Could someone help him?»

With older children, personal stories from your own childhood are a good starting point: «Have I ever told you the story about when I shouted at my teacher in class?» Films, documentaries or books in which a child experiences similar difficulties can also open the door to questions such as: «What do you think made him/her so angry? What did this child need?»

We should always check whether important basic needs, such as attachment or autonomy, have been neglected.

These follow-up discussions should not only focus on how the child might react in future and what might help them. We should always check whether important basic needs such as attachment and relationships, self-efficacy, autonomy, protection of self-esteem or security have been neglected.

A touching example

This is also important to Dario Petrelli. The child and adolescent psychotherapist recalls a particularly touching case in this context: «I had this boy in play therapy who often had aggressive outbursts and initially only expressed himself destructively and aggressively in play. When he played with cars, the scenes always ended in serious accidents or death. When playing with animal figures, one would attack all the others – or they would all die. Gradually, we were able to break this pattern in his play. Suddenly, with the help of a little panther, the boy was able to show me what he was really missing: someone to care for him, to give him attention, affection and cuddles.»

Dario Petrelli adds: «It became clear what this boy needed deep down. Through the animal, he was perhaps able to express it with less shame and allow the panther to be cared for by other animals in the game. Gradually, he opened up more and more – even to genuine offers of relationship in everyday life. His mother also sensed this change and realised: My child loves me and I can accept and return this love.»