Not all rules lead to the goal

You have just cooked a balanced lunch. Then your child asks, «Can I have another piece of chocolate?» Or you find out that they have ordered chips in the canteen – even though they know you don't particularly like that. Situations like these occur in every family – and they raise the fundamental question: how much influence should parents have on their children's eating habits – and how openly should they deal with «unhealthy» requests?

Not too many rules

Many parents want their children to eat healthily – and therefore impose clear rules: no soft drinks, no sweets before supper, only one dessert per week. These rules are well-intentioned. However, they can have unintended consequences – especially if they are not explained or are perceived as absolute. Some children then start to eat secretly or develop a guilty conscience about certain foods.

Children naturally have a very keen sense of when they are hungry and when they are not. However, when they learn to eat beyond hunger just to comply with a rule, this sense is gradually lost.

Self-awareness instead of control

What children really need is a combination of guidance and trust – rather than rigid rules. Parents can strengthen this trust by allowing their children to participate in decision-making: Would you like another serving? Listen to your stomach – are you still hungry? Questions like these promote self-awareness – and the experience of being heard.

The environment also plays a role: if there is never any chocolate or crisps at home, these foods seem particularly tempting elsewhere. Children then do not learn how to deal with them, but only that they are forbidden. Children need opportunities to overeat sometimes – and to experience for themselves how that feels. Such experiences promote self-competence – more than any food rules.

A relaxed approach to food begins with openness – but also with attitude.

Rituals provide security

Rituals also help. For example: Sunday is dessert day. This creates reliability – without any pressure. Children can actively participate, help make decisions and feel that they are being taken seriously. Instead of discussing exceptions every day, a shared ritual creates clarity and relaxation. Perhaps the child can even help decide what to have – pudding, ice cream or fruit skewers?

Trust instead of judgement

A relaxed approach to food begins with openness – but also with attitude. Openness does not mean that anything goes. Rather, it means involving children, explaining things honestly and providing guidance without moralising. Why do we rarely drink cola? Why is syrup an alternative? Why do we eat together at certain times ? Explanations like these foster understanding – when they are given on an equal footing and are age-appropriate.

If you constantly talk about calories in front of your child or skip dessert with a guilty conscience, you are subliminally sending messages such as «sweets are dangerous» or «I'm not allowed to eat them». It is better to use language that conveys enjoyment without judgement: «I feel like something fresh today» sounds very different from «I'm not allowed to eat chocolate».

Learning from mistakes

And finally: mistakes are not setbacks, but learning opportunities. If a child drinks three cups of cola at a birthday party and then has a stomach ache, it's not a disaster, but a valuable learning experience. Similarly, if chips for lunch don't keep them full for long, children learn first-hand which foods are good for them – and which are not.

Trust means believing that your child can learn from such experiences. Don't comment on everything. Don't judge every choice. Instead, accompany your child, be there for them – and help them develop a stable, positive relationship with food in the long term.