How can parents deal better with stress in everyday life?

Almost everyone is familiar with the phenomenon of feeling under pressure. To some extent, stress is part of life. However, there are two variants that have very different effects on the body, mind and brain. Positive stress, known as eustress, is associated with feelings of great joy and excitement. It can inspire people, drive them on and give them energy.

Negative stress, on the other hand, known as distress, is triggered by worries, hardships and fears. Constant digital availability or excessive work and family pressures can also cause negative stress, as can eustress that lasts too long.

What we perceive as stress is very subjective and depends on our individual perception and ability to deal with stress. By no means do all people suffer from stress in the same situations and to the same extent. Some fathers may be stressed by being ten minutes late for pick-up at daycare or after-school care, while others remain deeply relaxed. One thing is clear: anyone who ignores high levels of stress for long periods of time will become ill.

According to statistics, one sixth of mothers and one tenth of fathers feel overworked most or all of the time.

According to experts, parents with pre-school and school children in particular often feel under pressure - and the trend is rising. But what are the reasons for this increased and long-lasting feeling of stress? What impact does this have on our physical and mental health and on the development of our children? And how can we as parents get out of this spiral of negative distress - or not get into it in the first place?

Risk factors for chronic stress

First a look at the statistics: In the 2021 report «Families in Switzerland» published by the Federal Statistical Office (FSO), around one sixth of women and one tenth of men with children under the age of 25 said that they usually or always had the feeling of being overworked in the previous twelve months.

For women with children under the age of four, the figure is as high as 23 per cent (compared to 15 per cent if the youngest child is four years or older). For men, on the other hand, the age of the youngest child has no effect. However, the burden depends on the level of employment: among women who work 50 per cent or more, 19 per cent say they usually or always had difficulties balancing their various activities.

The volume of work and family life has increased, especially for mothers.

In fact, our society has changed dramatically over the last 30 years. Our lives have become faster and more demanding, and the choices are almost endless.

While the employment rate of mothers was just under 60 per cent in 1991 according to the FSO, 82 per cent of mothers were already working in 2021. This represents an increase of more than 20 percentage points over the last 30 years, while the employment rate of fathers has hardly changed.

Men have caught up somewhat in terms of housework and now invest around 30 hours per week. However, mothers still work over 50 hours at home - in addition to their professional workload. These figures relate to families in which the children are under 15 years old. The volume of work has therefore increased, especially for mothers.

As much as mothers and fathers benefit from the countless variations in the division of roles: The double burden of work and family is often overwhelming. Martina Schmid, couples therapist and counsellor at Elternnotruf, finds that the great freedom of choice - who works how much? Which parenting style do we choose? How do we feed ourselves as a family? - unsettles many parents: «As much freedom as this brings - constantly having to make decisions is very stressful.»

A certain standard of living usually requires two incomes

«To be able to afford a certain standard of living, a family now usually needs two people in work,» says Andrea Schmid-Fischer, course and project manager at the umbrella organisation Budget Counselling Switzerland and head of budget counselling and the adult maintenance department at the Lucerne Women's Centre. Having children today is relatively cost-intensive. However, two jobs of 60 to 70 per cent are also important in terms of social security and pension provision.

What's more: «While it was a matter of course for older generations to have to save money when they were young in order to start a family at some point, young people today often have a high standard of living even before they start a family,» says Schmid-Fischer. However, those who spend a lot of money on clothes, going out and travelling right from the start find it more difficult to adjust their budget when they have children - which can lead to arrears.

Today, 30 to 45-year-olds are expected to do everything at the same time.

Hans Bertram, sociologist

At the same time, there are more and more parents who have to cope with the mountain of tasks on their own: The number of households with a single parent has doubled since 1970 to 16.6 per cent. Women usually bear the main burden, as in 86 per cent of cases the children live with their mother.

Our lifestyle has also accelerated - and therefore changed significantly: Mobile phone users now spend up to five hours a day on their smartphones. This is the conclusion reached by the US analysis company App Annie in a report from 2021, in which data on user behaviour from ten different countries was collected and evaluated.

Our attention is therefore under much greater strain - which can also lead to stress. In addition to flexible working hours, digitalisation has also brought with it constant availability and blurred boundaries between private and working life.

In any case, parents in the 21st century are faced with an abundance of tasks: Because families tend to be started later, many things are becoming more concentrated. The German sociologist and family researcher Hans Bertram therefore speaks of the «overburdened generation». Today's 30 to 45-year-olds are overburdened, he says, because everything is demanded of them at the same time: they are expected to perform at their best at work, have a career, start a family and look after their children. And their own parents may also need support.

At the same time, the proverbial village that is needed to raise a child no longer exists. It has been replaced by the nuclear family, which in this country can often fall back on the help of grandparents in some cases, but has to manage the big picture on its own.

Internal stress is closely linked to external stress

One person who knows a lot about stress and its negative consequences is Michael Pfaff. The specialist in psychiatry and psychotherapy runs the Clinica Holistica Engiadina in Susch GR, the only burnout clinic in Switzerland. His patients come from all walks of life and professions. Parents are also among them.

Michael Pfaff notes that structurally imposed stressors, which, as described above, come at us from outside, are closely linked to internal stressors - i.e. stress that we create for ourselves.

We live in a narcissistic society in which we tend to ask ourselves «What kind of image do I present to others?» rather than «What do I actually want?»

Michael Pfaff, psychiatrist

The psychiatrist counts excessive expectations of oneself and the urge for perfection, which he calls the «phenomenon of Hollywoodisation», as internal stressors. «The idea of a happy ending with a successful family determines our image of a happy existence,» says Pfaff.

«We orientate ourselves on visual guidelines whose content we do not compare with our experience.» We strive for things that promise us a state of relaxation or redemption - but which do not correspond to us at all. We tell ourselves that if my child makes it to grammar school, if I book the spectacular holidays or if I get the promotion, then we will be happy.

However, by persisting in this belief, we are living with the handbrake on. «We live in a narcissistic society in which we tend to ask ourselves "What kind of image am I presenting to others?» instead of «What do I actually want?», Michael Pfaff realises.

Distant goals and a lack of satisfaction

On the one hand, these images are conveyed through social media. On the other hand, we have inherited certain values from our parents, for whom a detached house, for example, was still a desirable status. «So we also cause ourselves stress,» says Pfaff. «By often chasing after an unattainable long-term goal, while at the same time not valuing things that are given to us enough and are difficult to satisfy.» We need to ask ourselves more: What is given in my life? And: How can I achieve satisfaction?

Parents have the feeling that they have to fulfil all their child's wishes. This is a major stress trap.

At the same time, mothers and fathers today have enormously high expectations of themselves as parents, note Ulrike Lux and Désirée Liese from the German Youth Institute in Munich. «Historically speaking, children are much more important today, even from an early age,» say the psychologists. After all, children today are usually carefully planned and parents make all decisions concerning them much more consciously. Often with the feeling that they have to fulfil all of the child's wishes - even if their own needs take a back seat. Ultimately, however, this is a major stress trap.

«Mum and dad want to do it really well under all circumstances,» is also the experience of Martina Schmid from the Elternnotruf. Those who are only at home with their children for two days often want to make the most of this time. «If parents don't fully engage with the children, they can feel guilty,» says the counsellor.

Read more about the experiences of the parent emergency call counsellor:

Just like the mother in the counselling session recently, who felt bad because she didn't like playing her daughter's favourite game - «Verkäuferlädeli» - with her daughter. She clearly feels that she would like more contact with her child. «What do you actually consider a good mother?» Martina Schmid then asked. «Someone who always responds to the child's wishes? Or someone who takes themselves and their needs seriously?»

The solution: mother and daughter now go to children's gymnastics - a joint activity that is fun for both of them. Schmid believes it's important to be reconciliatory with yourself and your own expectations. «And try to remain authentic at the same time.»

Enormously increased expectations

Karella Easwaran has an eye for both children and parents. She is a paediatrician in Cologne and the bestselling author of several guidebooks. Her mission: «To relieve stressed parents of the pressure and worries that come with having children today.»

The paediatrician has noticed for some time that parents who come to her practice with their children are increasingly stressed. Often it's not so much about the child's illness - they may just have a bad cold - but mum and dad still seem very worried and often appear exhausted.

«It's not just the cold that gets parents down, but the circumstances in which they live as a family,» the doctor diagnoses. «The demands on parents have simply increased enormously.» Their own lack of sleep is causing them problems, coupled with excessive demands at work and the constant struggle to reconcile work and family life.

Easwaran has been running her own practice for 20 years and says: «The children haven't changed in that time - but the way we look at them has.» Parents want to do everything perfectly, prepare their child for life in the best possible way and ensure that they don't miss out on any opportunities. But those who are under constant stress are also more susceptible to insecurities. And there are plenty of these, especially from the environment.

«The child must have ADHD,» is said lightly about a child who seems restless, whereupon the parents visit the paediatrician with uncertainty. However, the fact is: «A lot of things only sort themselves out later in life, so we need to show more composure - for example, when it comes to early diagnoses.»

The gradual path to burnout

Which is ultimately also good for the children. Because, according to Karella Easwaran, if parents are under constant stress for years, this also shows in their children: they also become anxious and don't feel safe. It is therefore important that parents let go more, become more relaxed and trust that everything will be fine.

Burnout always starts with an upward spiral, says Michael Pfaff: «Before you can burn out, you first have to ignite.» In other words, at the beginning we are still in a healthy state of constant stress, feel strong and make decisions every second. At the same time, however, a gradual process begins in which we start to thin out the things that are good for us and provide us with relaxation: We no longer sleep as much, neglect friends and sport and change our lifestyle.

Children can sense very clearly when parents are overwhelmed and cannot find their way out of stressful phases.

Above all, however, we are burning more and more energy, while recovery times are gradually decreasing. The first signs of excessive demands and exhaustion are poor sleep and back or neck pain. «If you don't take care of yourself, the downward spiral begins,» says Pfaff. «Humans are not built for constant stress.»

According to psychologists Lux and Liese, children can sense very clearly when parents are constantly overwhelmed and can no longer find their way out of stressful phases. The fact is that children copy the behaviour of their closest caregivers and adopt their strategies.

How calm or annoyed are mum and dad in parent-child interactions? Do they tend to get louder? For example, if the daughter keeps shouting at her little brother with the words «You'd better watch out, you're ruining everything!» and the mother or father recognise themselves in this, they should reflect on their own behaviour.

Constant parental stress can also have very specific effects on children, especially in infancy: this can sometimes manifest itself in psychosomatic abnormalities such as sleep disorders or stomach ache, but also in increased aggression and unusually strong defiant behaviour or complete withdrawal.

Ulrike Lux and Désirée Liese believe that mums and dads should listen more to their own needs. For example, they should create space for themselves and for their partnership and plan breaks to relax - at the latest as soon as they realise that they are in an unbreakable spiral. This also includes seeking help sooner rather than later, for example by seeking support from a counselling centre or by getting together with like-minded people.

Children are only as well off as their parents are

The British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott realised back in the 1950s that no child needs a perfect parent. A passable, usually well-meaning one would suffice. Winnicott did not say this because he was undemanding, but because he recognised the high price of perfectionism. He coined the term «good enough mother» or «good enough father», which means something like: It is enough if we as parents react correctly 50 to 60 per cent of the time and do a reasonably good job.

According to burnout expert Michael Pfaff, the first ten years with children are particularly demanding, so mums and dads need to think very carefully: What do I still have energy for? Where do I get my energy from? But also: What is really important in my life? Recreational space as a couple and self-care for each individual parent are essential. After all, children are only as well off as their parents are.

It's enough if we as parents react correctly in 50 to 60 per cent of cases and do a reasonably good job.

This is all the more true in uncertain times and acute crises, in which we find ourselves at the mercy of other issues in addition to the pressures of meritocracy - such as energy shortages, imminent war and pandemics. «Especially when things are out of our hands, we need places of retreat,» says Michael Pfaff.

It is about a new inwardness, a kind of Biedermeier concept. It's about listening to yourself: What is good for me now? «We question ourselves too little today,» says Pfaff, «because we have the feeling that consumer goods are responsible for reassurance and satisfaction. They are not.»

German journalist Teresa Bücker goes even further. «We need a new time culture», she demands in her book «Alle Zeit». In it, she not only bemoans overwork and constant stress, but also sees time management getting out of hand as a scourge of modern societies. Many people have long regarded having time for hobbies, fellow human beings or themselves as a pipe dream. Instead, social life is centred on gainful employment.

But for more freedom and self-determination, we need a new way of thinking. And above all: a different distribution of the resource of time. However, Bücker does not see this as an individual task that each person has to solve for themselves. Instead, she calls for this to be tackled as a whole, for example in the form of generally shorter working hours: «This is one of the most important political tasks of our time.»

However, as long as there is no holistic solution, each and every one of us can start on a small scale: By focusing and prioritising, for example. «There is not enough time - ever», states British journalist Oliver Burkeman in his book «4000 Weeks». The title refers to the average amount of time we have left on earth.

No wonder, he thinks, that we are constantly trying to squeeze as much as possible into this short time. However, according to Burkeman, we lose sight of the very things that make us happy. His credo is therefore: Your time is limited, so don't waste it on unimportant stuff! The day will never come when we have everything under control.

Life with children is a bit of a mess - parents can confidently live with this thought.