Children under pressure

To this day, I still find it difficult to understand why stress and burnout seem to be the big issues of our time. Didn't our ancestors have to deal with problems of a completely different calibre? When our grandparents talk about the past, topics such as poverty or the challenge of raising six children come up. They talk about war and diseases that we can vaccinate against today, but which used to be fatal.

Our parents often didn't have it easy either. My father talks about his time at boarding school with priests who used the cane for the slightest offence. Of punishments, harshness and coldness.

In comparison, we and our children seem to have it so good. We don't have to fear for our lives. Our children are not beaten at school if they forget to do their homework. The real threats of the past have diminished for most of us here in Switzerland.

The things we value most often put us under the most pressure.

What has increased is a feeling of constant, diffuse threat that we cannot really categorise. I would like to highlight just two aspects that show this: It is sometimes the very things we value most that put us under pressure.

Freedom also creates stress

Never before in the history of mankind have we had so much freedom and choice. We could and may do almost anything with our lives. What career would we like to pursue? The choice has become so great that even career counsellors are losing track. Do we want to get married? Become parents? How do we organise ourselves as a couple? Who works how much? Who takes on which tasks? Crèche or not? What place do we want religion or spirituality to have in our lives? Where do we want to live?

When we read these questions, we immediately realise: freedom means stress! Because we have to make a decision. The fear of choosing the wrong option grows with the available options. We often feel blocked because we are not in a position to make a decision.

Some people are always latently searching.

For some people, the fear of missing out is so great that they can no longer engage with anything. They are always latently searching. They are satisfied with their job, but are on the lookout for something better. They describe the relationship as good, but are constantly wondering whether there might be someone else who would be a better fit.

Many parents' fear of the future

In the past, the path was mapped out for many children - they followed in their parents' footsteps. They took over the farm, the business, the trade. Today, as parents, we haven't the faintest idea what our children will become one day. Perhaps they will take up a profession that doesn't even exist today. So how should we prepare them for the future?

We counter this uncertainty with the solution: I have to keep all avenues open for my child. The fear is too great that the child will otherwise end up in a dead end and reproach us later. As much education as possible, as high a qualification as possible, seems to be the ticket we want to give our children. In addition, children should build up as broad a repertoire of skills and interests as possible.

After a lecture, a mother asked me: «My daughter is in first grade and just wants to play after school, go into the garden, look after the animals and meet her friends. I was so scared when I heard what the other children in her class were doing. The other parents said it was important for a child to learn an instrument and do sport. I'm afraid that I'm not supporting my daughter enough.»

Out of the genius trap

In addition to freedom and choice, developing our potential is also very important. Children should discover their strengths and receive individual support. We keep hearing that our children could do much more if only they were given the right learning environment - to the point where it is claimed that 98 per cent of children are highly gifted. Reports of people with Down's syndrome who have made it to university are supposed to show us: Anything would be possible with the right educational approaches.

We longingly search the whole world for role models. After Finland's Pisa victory in 2000, whole flocks of experts travelled there and reported on a better world. Experts, parents and teachers were and are unanimous: it works there. Other countries such as Germany and Switzerland, on the other hand, have some catching up to do.

We believe that there is a genius in every child.

There is something moving about such reports. They touch and inspire us. Sometimes they are a comfort in difficult times. They give us the feeling that there is still a lot of potential in my child - we just have to find it and bring it to fruition. Disagreements are often brushed aside. For example, the student survey conducted as part of a large-scale study by Unicef in 2007, which showed that in no other country do fewer students say they enjoy going to school than in Finland.

Constantly searching for better solutions, questioning the status quo and optimising puts pressure on schools and families. The belief that every child is fundamentally gifted and has a genius lying dormant inside that needs to be awakened means the opposite: If a child does not become something exceptional, we have failed. We have failed to bring out the unsuspected powers and talents within them.

Children can also be ordinary

It doesn't seem to be an option to settle for less than the maximum. On the way to the train station with two participants in a further education programme, one teacher said that her son had finally found an apprenticeship in his dream job. The other participant responded: «Yes - and today, with the dual education system, he can still do the vocational baccalaureate and gain further qualifications.» I nodded and said in my usual manner: «Yes, we're really lucky in Switzerland.» The mum looked at us, annoyed, and replied: «He's just doing this apprenticeship now! He likes it. That's enough. Every time I tell people about it, they come back with «He can always do...».»

If you prefer to stay at home at weekends and on holiday rather than broaden your horizons, if you do your job well and enjoy it enough instead of constantly looking around for the next career springboard, if you are grateful that your children are healthy and happy without being anything out of the ordinary, if you admit that you are a good team as a couple but are not gripped by passion every day, you quickly come across as a bit pathetic to others.

And yet: wanting less in at least some areas and allowing yourself and your children to be average, ordinary, boring or simply «good enough» is perhaps not a bad remedy against too much pressure.