When the end of the working day gets longer and longer
Most parents know the feeling: once the children are in bed after a long day and the flat has been tidied up, you would finally have time for yourself or your partner - if it wasn't already so late and you are dog-tired. This is the moment when you realise once again that there are far too few hours in the day and that you will go to bed later than you would actually like. Experts call this bedtime procrastination.
Behind the postponement of sleep is the need for conscious relaxation after a stressful day.
Katharina Bernecker, psychologist
Psychologists like Katharina Bernecker cite various reasons for procrastination. She conducts research at the Institute of Psychology at the University of Zurich on topics such as self-regulation. «On the one hand, it is a lack of self-control; on the other hand, procrastination is based on the need to consciously recover from what is usually a stressful day,» says Bernecker.
This is because although sleeping would be the best way to relax, this does not take place consciously and the effect only becomes apparent the next day. In other words, the reward for going to bed earlier is delayed, whereas it is immediate with another episode of your favourite series.
For quick satisfaction
«Parents only have a few moments when they can prioritise their own needs. That's why they find it particularly difficult to shorten this now free time by going to bed early,» says psychologist Katharina Bernecker. This means that going to bed is delayed by surfing the net, zapping or watching series. Stopping early is particularly difficult. This is because digital applications such as YouTube, social media or computer games specifically fulfil human needs for success or entertainment and use reward mechanisms. The aim is to keep users occupied for as long as possible.
The blue light from smartphones and tablets also keeps you awake as it suppresses the sleep-inducing hormone melatonin. A short-term feeling of well-being sets in, as all these activities are distracting and time flies by.
And it seems paradoxical - the greater the stress, the longer the evening. According to Katharina Bernecker, stress is another decisive factor that favours putting off going to bed. «On stressful days, the need for even more conscious time for relaxation grows,» says Bernecker.
Lack of sleep can make parents ill
However, if the required sleep is repeatedly delayed and therefore shortened, this has consequences: Emotional and physical resilience decreases, as the immune system, cardiovascular system and metabolism need sufficient rest in order to work well. Those who are tired are less able to regulate their emotions the following day, so that any stressors are perceived as more stressful than they already are. We become more thin-skinned and irritable more quickly.
If you are overtired, you are less likely to do something relaxing for yourself before going to sleep.
Self-control is weakened, which leads to us going to bed later the next night than would actually be good. If we constantly postpone sleep, this can lead to a vicious circle. Because if you are overtired, you are less likely to do something relaxing for yourself before falling asleep. Rather, they let themselves down and spend even more time on social media, for example.
Stress also affects health behaviour, says Katharina Bernecker: «For example, people under stress eat less healthily, exercise less and go to bed later.» What's more, no one who loses sleep in the evening will try out new habits that are good for their health.
The age of the children does not matter
However, psychologists also advise people to take a closer look at their own evening routine. Researchers from the Netherlands have found that those who dislike their recurring evening activities - taking the dog out, preparing the breakfast table, flossing - tend to put off these tasks.
It would therefore be advisable to take a closer look at the same evening routines and make any necessary adjustments: If you go out with the dog yourself, perhaps your partner can prepare the breakfast table in the meantime.
Contrary to expectations, the age of the children only plays a subordinate role in the search for the causes, emphasises Katharina Bernecker. «How much stress and thus the desire for freely divisible evening hours is perceived depends on the individual child, the family constellation and the division of labour within the family,» says the psychologist.
The art of self-care
«Single parents may feel differently than households with several carers.» Studies also show that women still do most of the family management and therefore have less time for themselves during the day than men.
This raises the question of the extent to which parents are able to divide up work, family and housework so that everyone can take breaks during the day. In other words, the aim is not to get as much done as possible during the day in order to satisfy the need for as much time for oneself as possible in the evening, but to organise one's day in such a way that this need is no longer so great in the evening.
You shouldn't clock your days completely, but have little breaks and use them for yourself.
Eva Kaul, psychotherapist
That's easier said than done, because it's not easy to take good care of yourself outside of work and family challenges. Psychotherapist Eva Kaul from Winterthur cites various reasons for this, one important one being: «You often think: I'm having a really tough time right now, but once I've got through that, I'll start doing sport, meditation or yoga. But there's always something that needs to be done urgently, whether it's at work, at home or with the children. So the free space for yourself doesn't come naturally.»
Short breaks for parents
That's why it's sometimes worth questioning yourself: Am I baking the cake because I enjoy it or because I think I have to do it? Is it necessary to clean the bathroom today or can it wait? Is there perhaps a nearby music school that my child can get to independently so that I don't have to drive them half an hour there and back every time?
How to get to bed earlier
They formulated «if-then rules» for this purpose.
The scientists used these rules to train 300 young men and women - with the result that they went to bed up to 32 minutes earlier on average.
- Formulate intentions: If I go to bed on time, I fall asleep more relaxed. I don't have to feel guilty that the night is too short and I'm not getting enough sleep.
- Visualisierung: Wenn ich mir das bestmögliche Ergebnis ausmale, wie ausgeruht ich mich am nächsten Morgen fühlen werde, dann freue ich mich auf den kommenden Tag, denn ausgeschlafen kann ich Belastungen besser meistern, als wenn ich müde bin.
- Innere Hürde aufspüren: Wenn ich die Gründe aufspüre, die mich davon abhalten, rechtzeitig schlafen zu gehen, kann ich versuchen, gegenzusteuern. Ist es zum Beispiel der innere Glaubenssatz: Erst die Arbeit, dann das Vergnügen? Dann plane ich im Alltag konkret Zeit für Entspannung ein. Das kann eine bewusst genossene Teepause oder eine kurze Meditation sein.
- Regel aufstellen: Wenn ich um 23 Uhr ins Bett gehen möchte, höre ich eine Viertelstunde vorher auf mit dem, was ich gerade mache, und gehe schlafen. Zur Erinnerung stelle ich den Wecker auf 22.45 Uhr, damit ich diesen Zeitpunkt nicht verpasse, und dann geht es sofort ab ins Bett.
«It's about not clocking the days completely, but having little time-outs and using them for yourself,» says Eva Kaul. Some people swear by letting the alarm clock ring a few minutes earlier in the morning so that they can read the newspaper or do a few yoga exercises in peace before waking up the rest of the family. Or you can read a book on the train on the way to work, for example, or listen to your favourite podcast in the car. At the supermarket checkout, you don't frantically look to see which queue is moving faster, but simply stand still and wait in a relaxed manner. In this way, you can always find windows for little breaks in your everyday life.
«Those who allow themselves time out during the day and consciously enjoy it feel more self-determined,» emphasises Eva Kaul. The psychotherapist advises ritualising self-care. What exactly is good for you is very individual. For some, something active such as sport, walks or yoga helps, for others something quiet such as meditation, reading a book or lying on a deckchair in the garden.
Regularity is important. It is better to meditate for ten minutes a day than 60 minutes once a week. According to the expert, a self-care practice that is well established in everyday life will carry you through challenging times.
