Supporting sensitive children through the Christmas season
The Advent season and Christmas holidays are often an emotional time: everyday life gives way to special rituals. Here, an elf moves in; there, Father Christmas arrives; there are all the Christmas parties and end-of-year celebrations in music or sport, and often a marathon of tests at school. In addition to excited anticipation, for many children who are particularly sensitive to stimuli, this also means a lot of tension. Even beautiful things can be incredibly stressful!
At the same time, we parents often come under a lot of pressure during this period. Rarely do we have as much mental load as we do during this phase. In addition to the preparations, the many expectations surrounding holiday visits and family celebrations also contribute to this. Children, in turn, sense this tension and are often affected by it.
But how can we take the pressure off our family? How can we ensure that we can still treat each other with love during the «festive season» without being completely overwhelmed by stress beforehand?
Maintain routines
Routines give children who are particularly sensitive to stimuli a great deal of security. A spontaneous biscuit-baking session on an Advent evening can quickly lead to dinner being delayed. Suddenly, the children are overexcited and tired, the routine is disrupted, and stress arises.
It often makes things easier if we mark down in advance in the child's weekly schedule when we will be baking or visiting the Christmas market. Perhaps we would prefer to bake on Saturday afternoon before dinner, so that the usual meal and bedtimes are not completely disrupted.
«Contemplative» does not necessarily mean spending all of Christmas sitting together as a family.
Perhaps we will forego an additional activity and modify our pre-Christmas evening ritual by lighting a candle after dinner or reading an Advent story at our usual evening reading time.
Dose stimuli
Some children react strongly to sensory stimuli such as light, smells or skin sensations. If this is the case, we would do well to use Advent lights and music sparingly.
Neurodivergent children, such as those on the autism spectrum or affected by ADHD, appreciate having a quiet zone at home that is free from decorations and Christmas music. A place that welcomes them with their favourite familiar things. Sensory, calming activities such as kneading dough, crafting with natural materials or going for walks in the woods can also have a slowing effect.
If you grew up with the tradition of dressing up for Christmas, you may ask yourself: «Does this expectation suit us and our child? Is it good for us to continue this tradition?» Sensitive children often feel extremely uncomfortable in restrictive tights or shirts. They feel much more relaxed when they are allowed to wear their usual clothes to the festive meal.
Knowing how to pace yourself also means not accepting every invitation and making sure you always build in periods of rest, retreat and relaxation.
Pay attention to dramatic tension
«Anticipation is the greatest joy!» For many families, this statement may be true, but for sensitive children, the opposite is often the case. Hopeful waiting and surprises often cause these children such unpleasant tension that it outweighs their joy. In this case, it is worth keeping surprises small or announcing them in advance.
We open presents in the morning. That way, all the tension disappears. The day feels freer. It works so much better for us that way.
nut
One mother recounts: «Last year, for the first time, our nine-year-old didn't get a chocolate advent calendar, but a Lego one instead. What's inside is printed on the back, so the excitement is still there, but it's manageable.»
«A Christmas elf playing pranks would be far too exciting and would prevent the whole family from getting any rest,» she continues. «Even though I would love for my children to experience something like that, we parents can't cope with the overstimulation and resulting lack of sleep for everyone involved. We already have to manage our resources carefully so we don't burn out even more .»
Question expectations
In our view, one of the most important questions for the upcoming phase is: «Do we really have to do this – and who is telling us to?»
Make it easy on yourself – without feeling guilty! You can even buy an Advent calendar, and biscuits from the supermarket will do just fine.
You can consider what your family needs to feel good: you can keep the programme light and pay attention to your energy levels when accepting or declining visits or celebrations in the near future.
You can create opportunities for retreat – «contemplative» does not necessarily mean sitting together as a family all the time. Who has the right to judge if your child prefers to eat their pasta naked at Christmas and does not want to try any of the festive roast? Let go of rituals that cause you stress.
One mother reports: «We open presents in the morning. We have a relaxed breakfast, unwrap presents, and then the children can play. This takes away all the tension of having to wait for something all day. The day is then more free. We can organise it more flexibly. It works so much better for us this way.»
Nostalgia and disappointment
Perhaps these thoughts trigger a slight irritation or even inner resistance in you? For many people, Christmas is associated with a deep longing for harmony, security and family cohesion.
Perhaps you yourself become nostalgic, thinking fondly of baking biscuits with your mother back then, of opening presents by candlelight under the Christmas tree, or of singing Christmas carols together. It can be painful to realise that your own child is completely different, very sensitive to stimuli, and that you obviously have to say goodbye to these cosy inner images.
You are not wrong if things are different in your family than in other families and you keep the well-being of your family in focus.
Saying goodbye to cosy baking because your own child is disgusted by the sticky dough on their hands, for example. Sadness that the tense wait for the evening's gift-giving may be too much for your own child – and that instead of seeing their eyes light up with joy, you end up with dissatisfaction or an emotional outburst.
Your disappointment is understandable! And it cannot be expected that you, as the parent of a sensitive child, can absorb all this sensory overload and always ensure harmony. You are not wrong if things are different in your family than in other families, if you break with traditions in order to focus on the well-being of your family. And, of course, you are still allowed to long for things to be different, more harmonious, easier.
