A patchwork family in the whirlwind of Advent

Every year, I shy away from the photos that appear in the family chat on the eve of the first Advent. You can see my sisters-in-law's beautifully decorated Advent wreaths. I put my mobile phone to one side and try not to let my thoughts get drawn into a competition for the perfectly decorated Advent season, in which I would end up in one of the last places anyway.

Who celebrates Christmas, where and with whom?

And yet these images make me feel uneasy. They herald a time that will be rather uncomfortable for me as the mother of a patchwork family.

The same questions arise every year during Advent: Who celebrates Christmas, where and with whom? What plans does my ex-husband have? Who is going to the various Christmas parties organised by the football club or to the children's Advent carol singing? And how do I do justice to my husband and our daughter? These questions are unavoidable and stressful at the same time.

Looking for new solutions

Every year, they put their finger in an old wound, even if the pain of my first failed family experiment has now been soothed. While our life in the patchwork family usually runs smoothly from January to mid-November, the Advent season presents me with new challenges. The pressure to present as perfect a world as possible to all family members increases. But isn't there another way?

In the early days after the divorce, when our three sons were still small, my ex-husband and I spent Christmas Eve together and always put on a happy face.

I drew up schedules and sent them to my ex-husband for approval. I synchronised presents for the children so that nothing is duplicated.

We handed out presents in front of the Christmas tree and sang «Ihr Kinderlein kommet» as if nothing was wrong. Although we preferred to avoid each other in real life at this time, we continued this tradition for the sake of the children.

After new favourite people came into our lives, we finally made separate plans for the holidays. We discussed who would celebrate Christmas with the boys and who would celebrate New Year's Eve with them. I drew up schedules and sent them to my ex-husband for approval. I synchronised presents for the children so that nothing was duplicated.

A compromise that works

Once everything was organised, it was not uncommon for plans to be thrown overboard again at short notice. It was also often the case that our dear relatives made demands and wanted to see us over the Christmas holidays.

At some point, my ex-husband and I agreed to take strict turns. Since then, our sons have been with me from Christmas to New Year's Eve in the even-numbered years and with their father in the odd-numbered years.

Christmas time in patchwork families is also characterised by absence. Someone is always sad.

This solution is proving to be practical for us: the holiday planning has been clarified, no more questions are asked and no special requests are made. The children are no longer caught between two stools and the extended family also respects this arrangement. What sounds good at first glance is nothing more than a compromise that works.

Twice as many presents?

The Advent and Christmas season is also characterised by absence in patchwork families. Someone is always sad: either I or my ex-husband miss our sons, they are missing a parent and my little daughter celebrates Christmas without her big brothers every other year.

The situation is also anything but easy for the new partner. They usually take second place when it comes to Christmas planning. For example, if my husband would like to celebrate Christmas with me and all the children, the arrangement with my ex-husband takes precedence for the sake of peace.

The higher the expectations of a carefree and happy Christmas season, the greater the disappointment.

Our daughter still doesn't understand why her brothers aren't with us during the holidays and why we can't all just celebrate together at home. She once packed her suitcase to celebrate with her siblings at their father's house - in the hope of getting Christmas presents from two dads.

Why allowing grief is good for you

It helps not to harbour any illusions over the coming weeks. The higher the expectations of a carefree and happy Christmas season, the greater the disappointment.

This year I'm lucky - it's 2022, an even number. But I've also spent the holidays crying with my new in-laws, who made every effort in the world but couldn't replace my absent sons.

The children are also more relaxed when we talk openly about the fact that the coming weeks can also be sad.

Ever since I stopped harbouring exaggerated hopes of a consistently happy and reflective Advent and Christmas season, it has been going better and better. The children are also more relaxed when we talk openly about the fact that the coming weeks are not always harmonious, but can also be sad at times.

We get through the Advent season more relaxed because we know that we don't have to measure ourselves against the supposedly happy family baking biscuits on the advertising poster.

Family squabbles are everywhere

Apart from that, many of the so-called «intact» families also have a difficult time during Advent. The discussions about who celebrates Christmas with the grandparents, which parent is responsible for the Advent calendar and who takes care of buying the Christmas tree affect all families.

It always calms me down when I meet other mums or dads from seemingly «happy» families who are completely stressed during the Advent shopping season and they tell me about a family spat.

It is obvious that in all families, emotions run high in the last month of every year.

Sometimes I even get the impression that as a family that's thrown together, we're less likely to let things get us down because we've already mastered so much together and the social pressure doesn't weigh so heavily on us.

A pretty perfect family

The name «patchwork» alone says it all: literally speaking, my children, my husband and I live together as a patchwork. We have put ourselves back together and left the illusion of the ideal family picture behind us at least once in our lives.

We have overcome relationship crises, the pain of separation and new beginnings. We have learned to discuss things with each other, find solutions, live with them and not lose our sense of humour. We recognise that our lives also have many advantages and that the ever-changing constellations bring variety into our lives, and not just at the holidays.

All of this has welded us together and made us strong. We will still be able to manage the Christmas season - if we don't let ourselves be unsettled by clichés and stylish Advent wreaths. As soon as I feel the pre-Christmas anxiety, I remind myself that not everything that glitters so beautifully during Advent shines in other families either.

It's a question of definition: for me, an intact family is one in which all family members treat each other with appreciation, respect and love, talk to each other and listen to each other. Not just during Advent. In that sense, we are actually a pretty perfect family.