«Strict rules take the tension out»

"We are a very lively family and know enough about conflict-laden situations - especially when everyone is in the same room. Small things tend to escalate, for example at the dining table: one person doesn't like the flavour, the other has got the wrong glass and the third doesn't pass the honey. In such cases, it's time to slow down and interrupt. Our twins have ADHD, so sensory overload is often an issue. This makes clear rules all the more important. There is a strict seating arrangement at the table - so at least there are no discussions here. In general, conflicts quickly arise during the day: when everyone wants to put their shoes and jackets on at the same time in the narrow corridor. Or when all four children brush their teeth at once in the evening. Such things are therefore only done in stages.

We parents have learnt to communicate very clearly and set a relatively high standard - but at eye level and with appreciation. Because strict rules take the tension out and create security, which is particularly important for our twins. Ultimately, however, everyone benefits from this. For example, there are clear game times that are non-negotiable. Morris and Ellen also enjoy playing the guitar and cello. It's important to us that they practise every day. In return, they can choose when they want to practise. The only condition: Everything has to be done by 8pm. This mixture of clear guidelines and a certain amount of freedom of choice works quite well for us.

The family council at the weekend has proved its worth. Here, a topic can be revisited in peace and quiet.

The family council at the weekend, which everyone attends and which we hold regularly, has also proved its worth. This allows us to calmly revisit an acute issue that has arisen in our hectic everyday lives. This also gives us parents time not to have to react immediately and to define a common position.

Conflicts often arise from false expectations. For example, I had a clear idea of family, wanted a large, open-plan house and lots of people round the table. But with children, who are quickly overstimulated, I had to say goodbye to that. Today, we prefer to receive visitors outside at a barbecue rather than at a coffee table. I had to adjust my expectations to reality.

I also find the topic of self-care important. For a long time, I thought: the more I have on my plate, the less I can afford to look after myself. Today, I sit down at the piano once a day, no matter how stressful it is. I benefit from this throughout the day and stay calmer in challenging situations - which defuses many a conflict."