Preserving the dignity of the child
Take five" is a common saying in English-speaking countries: take a short break. My recommendation to parents and teachers: «Take five and give five» - take a break for yourself and give your child a break. And do this when you want them to do something or stop doing something and they are resisting. Give him five seconds, minutes, hours, days or even weeks to consider your request and you will be rewarded with more co-operation than you ever dreamed of.
In the days when authoritarian adult attitudes and behaviour were the norm, parents would say: «Clean up that mess! And I mean now!» - «Hang that coat up where it belongs ... and I mean now!» The language, the posture, the voice and the look demanded absolute and immediate obedience. Any delay was followed by sanctions. Being a «good» child was based on the ability to put one's own needs second and subordinate one's will to authority.
Children who are defiant are fundamentally resisting the expectation that they should obey.
However, as in companies, the power structures in the family have also changed over the last generation. The goals of parenting have changed: On the one hand, the aim today is to make childhood a happy and creative part of life. On the other hand, it is about maximising mental and psychosocial health for young adults.
To be successful in this, we need to focus on a child's personal integrity in such a way that they can learn as much as possible about who they are as individuals, what their needs, feelings and boundaries are and how they can protect their human and moral integrity.
Free choice of authorities
There are always situations in life in which we should be able to submit to an authority. But we should be as free as possible to choose this authority ourselves, and it must be possible to establish a dialogue between discipline and our own inner voice - between cooperation and integrity. This has always been the desire and need of children. But in times when authority was overpowering, most of them really only had one choice: to give up their personal integrity and dignity.
A child who experiences that it is taken seriously is a healthy child with access to itself.
Even today, we still see children being labelled obstructive, defiant and rebellious when they try to protect their personal integrity by saying no to discipline and orders. Because children are born with little experience and active knowledge of what is in their own best interests, their objections are less about the content of what adults want or don't want from them: They are fundamentally resisting the expectation that they obey, as well as the loss of their dignity.
Give the child the time they need
I once spent a few weeks with my six-year-old grandson and his friend of the same age and was given many examples of how these children tried to maintain their integrity. Three of them:
1. encourage the child to come along
«Alex, I'm going shopping and would like you to come with me.»
«No, I'm playing!»
«I can see that, but I was kind of hoping to spend a little time with you.»
No comment. But ten minutes later, as I'm walking to the car, a happy voice says:
«Grandad, can I come with you?»
«Sure! I'm glad you found the time.»
2. brushing your teeth during the holidays
«Alex, I want to brush your teeth before we go to the beach in half an hour.»
«I don't want my teeth brushed when I'm on holiday!»
«That's a good point - but it needs to be done. Let me know when you're ready.»
He runs off to play. Five minutes before we leave, he says:
«Okay, if I have to, I want to do it now.»
3. finish a film
The two boys enjoy the privilege of staying up late and watch a cartoon film.
«Okay, boys - it's time to hop into bed.»
«Can't we watch it again? It's so funny you can watch it too!»
«Thanks, I don't like it. But you can watch for another 15 minutes.»
I'm back 15 minutes later. They both look at me and say:
«What, already?!»
«Yes, yes!»
«Okay, five more minutes, please?»
«No!»
«Okay, fine.»
They switch off the DVD player and are already planning what they will do when they wake up the next morning.
Not imposing our will on children at all costs is based on the experience that people generally become much more creative and flexible when they are taken seriously.
Taking children seriously
Answer - even after five minutes. Then you have to decide what to do. You can say:
- «Okay, I hear you, but I don't want to wait. I want to do it now.»
- «Okay, I hear you, but we have to leave the house right away. Is there any chance you'll change your mind?»
- «Okay, I want to hear why you don't want to.»
This principle has nothing to do with democracy or the child's right to decide whether it brushes its teeth, goes to kindergarten or to bed. It is a much more existential principle that serves to protect the integrity of the child and its personal dignity and through which the child learns to act with consideration for other people.
The principle of not imposing our will on children at all costs is also based on the experience that people generally become much more creative and flexible if you take them seriously. It simply prevents power struggles and endless negotiations.
But, and here lies a trap: it only works if it comes out of your honest respect for the child's or human dignity and integrity. It doesn't work as a method of getting what you want. When children are treated as objects, they tend to resist. And when they are manipulated, they respond with manipulation.
A child who grows up with the experience of being taken seriously and treated with respect, and who learns to trust the wisdom and experience of his parents and other adults, is a healthy child with access to his innermost self and with self-discipline. In short, it is less likely to become a victim of anything or anyone.
