Defiant children have defiant parents

When we talk about children in general, we like to describe them as healthy, strong, spontaneous and vital. We praise their adaptability and their will to survive. But in one respect, children are extremely vulnerable: in the conflict between the primal human urge to co-operate with the people we depend on and our need to maintain our integrity.

Integrity is about the fundamental needs and personal boundaries of the child.

Integrity encompasses concepts such as completeness, inviolability and inviolability. The integrity of the child includes life expressions that express the core of its existence and have an independent power without being influenced by the child's thoughts or adaptations.

These are the thoughts, feelings and reactions that arise immediately and are an expression of the child's growing «I». In short, these are the fundamental needs and personal boundaries of the child.

Toddler mirrors parents' emotions

Co-operation changes with age. An infant begins by copying or imitating the behaviour of its parents. Let's think of the following example: The doorbell rings. You take your little daughter in your arms and open the door.

The girl does not look at the stranger on the doorstep, but only at you, so that she knows how to react. There is a person in front of you who you don't feel comfortable around and would rather not see. Your daughter co-operates with you by starting to shout, even though you are trying to smile politely.

We are probably all familiar with the situation when a small child is taken to nursery school or daycare by their mum or dad. The child's reaction depends very much on the behaviour of the parent. If the mum doesn't feel entirely comfortable leaving her child in someone else's hands, the child may «make a scene».

Fathers are usually more relaxed in such situations, which also makes the «handover» easier. Of course, the mother would also prefer that the farewell doesn't turn into a drama. However, their idea of childlike co-operation is very different from the child's urge to copy and imitate their parents' inner processes.

World champion in co-operation

Later on, children work with us in a more differentiated way and see their parents as role models whom they actively emulate. Let's imagine a five-year-old called Luca. You send him to the neighbour's house to get some sugar.

«You have to come with us,» says Luca. «Oh, you're already big. You can do it on your own,» you might reply. But Luca's request is a sign that he wants to study you as a role model so that he knows how to behave the next time he's on his own.

Many people believe that children have to be taught to co-operate. This is a big mistake. Children are born world champions at co-operating and do so to such an extent that their integrity is constantly at stake.

So how do I protect my child's integrity? What violates a child's integrity is much easier to describe and, above all, teaches us what not to do. Many of our small violations consist of the almost routine criticism we level at our children in everyday life.

Defiant phase is a myth

An example: You want to leave the house with your three-and-a-half-year-old daughter Mia to take her to nursery. Mia takes the children's anorak from your hand and says: «Do it yourself!» You explain that she is still too small for that. But Mia insists, so you reluctantly give her the jacket.

After a lengthy struggle with the sleeves, Mia has the jacket on backwards. «I told you you were still too little,» you say indignantly. When children are two to three years old, the development of their integrity takes a leap. The so-called childish defiant phase is a myth. Mia's behaviour has nothing to do with defiance. In reality, her mother is behaving defiantly.

Above all, children need to be seen for who they are and not be judged by what they do.

Parents recognise with this defiance that it is not easy for them to experience how their children become more and more independent and increasingly different from their parents. The children need practice and the parents need to get used to their new role.

When children encounter defiance or resistance in their desire for independence, they copy this behaviour and respond to defiance with defiance. This makes the parents feel confirmed in their view: «Why do you always have to be so defiant!» If you want to preserve your child's integrity, you should be prepared for a long, arduous journey: It may take Mia twenty-five attempts before she learns to put her jacket on the right way round.

Of course, children have to get used to certain rules of the game as early as possible, which inevitably restrict their integrity a little. But one thing is certain: the more you try to modify a child's integrity and the more it has to adapt, the less well it will find its way in society as a young adult, the more dependent, immature and self-destructive it will be and the more violent the rebellion will be in puberty.

The power of a clear no

When you violate a child's integrity, you take away a significant part of their sense of self and give them the fundamental experience of not being allowed to be who they are. This experience triggers an existential crisis in both children and adults.

Above all, children need to be seen for who they are and not be judged by what they do. Children need loyal parents who fulfil their leadership role on the one hand and a reliable framework on the other.

If you can't say no clearly, you will never be able to say yes wholeheartedly.

Just as two to three-year-olds gradually become more independent of their parents, parents also have to reclaim their territory bit by bit. Many parents find it difficult to say no to their children, refuse them a request or simply tell them that they don't have time for them at the moment.

Children who never get a clear no or yes are deeply frustrated for several reasons. Firstly, the half-heartedness of adults makes them feel that they are exhausting and out of order when they seek contact. Secondly, they are keen to co-operate with their parents, copy their poorly disguised irritability and become what their parents then call moody, whingy or impossible.

A yes from the bottom of our hearts

Children depend on us parents to say yes to them as often as possible and from the bottom of our hearts. But we also have the right to say a clear no when we mean no. It's not about saying no to material things, but about saying no to the child's desire for attention, engagement, care or other forms of contact.

We may initially frustrate our children when we deny them requests, but at the same time we are teaching them something valuable: That it is okay to say no to others, no matter how much they ask for a yes. And those who are not able to say no with conviction and a clear conscience will never be able to say yes wholeheartedly.