Needs-based parenting: How does it work?

It's Saturday morning at the supermarket. Jasmine Treiber is shopping with her three-year-old daughter. Suddenly, her daughter seems completely overwhelmed. She screams, stamps her feet, cries and is beside herself. But the mother of four remains calm, tries to make eye contact with her child, touches her gently on the arm and speaks softly: «It's a lot for you right now, isn't it? I understand that.»

The child gradually calms down. Jasmine Treiber remains focused on her daughter the entire time , refraining from threatening or punishing her, instead attempting to transfer her own calmness to the child.

I would have liked to have been seen more as a child.

Jasmine Treiber, mother

How do I want to interact with my child? And what constitutes «good parenting»? These are questions many people ask themselves when they become parents. Often, the initial response to the first question is: Not the way my parents did it. But then how?

In the search for their own way of dealing with children, numerous guidebooks offer a wide range of tips and possibilities. One parenting method that has become increasingly established in this country over the last decade or two is the approach based on needs-oriented or attachment-oriented parenting.

Unlike previous generations

Jasmine Treiber is also one of those parents who want to do things differently than previous generations. «I myself would have liked to have been seen more as a child. As a child who tries to express something through their behaviour that they are not yet able to express. Instead, my behaviour was only judged,» says the aspiring family counsellor, who lives with her family in southern Germany.

Like them, countless parents have jumped on the bandwagon of needs-based education over the past two decades. This paradigm shift has mainly taken place among the upper middle class in German-speaking countries.

But what does needs-based actually mean? How do children fare when they are raised in a needs-based manner? And why are more and more people criticising this approach to parenting? They argue that more and more children lack frustration tolerance and the ability to postpone a need And is the fact that more and more parents feel stressed partly due to this parenting style? This dossier aims to get to the bottom of these and other questions.

Parents who raise their children in a needs-oriented manner try as much as possible not to punish, shame or manipulate them.

What does the term mean?

First of all, there is still no universally accepted definition of needs-based education. «It is more of a living, evolving educational approach in which different experts focus on different areas,» says family psychologist Stefanie Rietzler. «The central aim is for parents to recognise and take seriously the diverse needs of their children and to take these into account when interacting with them, without forgetting themselves in the process.»

The focus is therefore on what the child needs at that moment on a physical, emotional and social level so that they can thrive and develop healthily in the long term.

«unlike in the authoritarian parenting style of the past, children raised in a needs-oriented manner are not seen as «tyrant children» who want to «manipulate» their parents with their behaviour or «deliberately cause drama» and need to be punished and moulded. Instead, they are understood as independent personalities who try to satisfy their needs through their actions.

Needs-oriented parents constantly look for the reason behind their child's behaviour: Are they angry because they are hungry, overtired or overexcited? Are they actually longing for closeness or attention? Are they experiencing too much pressure and need to have more of a say? They try to respond lovingly in accordance with this,» says Stefanie Rietzler, who runs the Academy for Learning Coaching in Zurich with her colleague Fabian Grolimund.

Educate without punishment

This means that parents who raise their children in a needs-oriented manner try as far as possible not to punish, shame or manipulate their children in order to elicit a certain behaviour. They do not make their love and affection conditional. They involve their children in decisions that affect them instead of ignoring them.

Numerous studies have shown that treating children with empathy and respect has a positive effect on their development. For example, an OECD study from 2020 shows that children who were raised authoritatively had lower self-esteem, a greater desire for perfection, more anxiety and more aggressive behaviour, while children whose parents set boundaries but responded sensitively to their needs had higher self-esteem and were less likely to turn to addictive substances. So why is needs-based parenting criticised?

There is a lack of direction

«When I follow the debates in the needs-based scene today, the initial euphoria often seems to be overshadowed by concerns,» writes German paediatrician and author Herbert Renz-Polster in his book Mit Herz und Klarheit (With Heart and Clarity).

Renz-Polster has been involved in the education debate as a scientist and publicist for many years. He considers it very positive that a lot has happened in recent decades in terms of parent-child relationships. Parents now treat their children with much more care and love than was previously the case. At the same time, he criticises the lack of clarity that has existed for some time. There are increasing complaints that parents are on the verge of burnout and that children are overwhelmed and disoriented.

We need to show children that there is both a yes and a no, freedoms and boundaries.

Herbert Renz-Polster, paediatrician and author

«Parents don't want to follow in the footsteps of previous generations. They know that the old style of authority doesn't work. But what does parental responsibility look like then? In some cases, there is a lack of self-evidence and role models,» says Renz-Polster.

The result is overcorrection as a reaction to the strictness of authoritarian parenting. Many parents shy away from revealing themselves and their own position. However, this neglects an important need of children, namely the need for guidance.

«Children want to know how families work. We need to show them that this includes both «yes» and «no», both freedom and boundaries,» emphasises Renz-Polster. Otherwise, a new imbalance in parenting will arise. «Similar to authoritarian times, there will then be a lack of balance again, simply in the opposite direction,» he says, analysing the developments of recent years. «We have an empty space where there used to be dominance.»

The beginnings of the educational style

To understand how this imbalance came about, it is worth taking a look at the beginnings of needs-based education, according to psychologist and neurobiologist Nicole Strüber.

In the 1980s, American paediatrician William Sears developed a parenting style that was strongly oriented towards the natural basic needs of babies and children, and called it "attachment parenting» – a deliberate counter-movement to the authoritarian parenting style prevalent in the United States at the time. He emphasised closeness and affection, the signal effect of a crying baby and the immediate satisfaction of its needs. This particularly attentive approach to parenting was intended to promote and strengthen early childhood attachment to caregivers.

It's easy for parents to miss the turning point after their children are babies and ignore their own needs for too long.

Herbert Renz-Polster, paediatrician and author

With the so-called seven baby B's, Sears provides the building blocks for attachment-oriented parenting, such as physical contact after birth («bonding»), breastfeeding («breastfeeding») and advice to refrain from early attempts at discipline («beware of baby trainers»).

Unilateral understanding of commitment

At the time, William Sears was intensively studying attachment theory, which had been developed in the 1970s by British child psychiatrist John Bowlby, American psychologist Mary Ainsworth and Scottish psychoanalyst James Robertson.

In addition to the importance of closeness, protection and security for parent-child bonding, she also emphasised the equally important need for children to explore – their natural curiosity and urge to discover, understand and interact with their environment – as well as the reciprocity and balance between these two poles.

Sears, on the other hand, focused solely on babies' need for security. The paediatrician largely ignored the importance of the urge to explore for child development. «Sears' approach was initially the opposite of authoritarian parenting. At that time, the focus had to be very much on bonding, because the physical, loving approach to children was new to many people,» says Nicole Strüber, explaining the circumstances.

However, this one-sided interpretation of attachment theory has been passed down to this day and leads to a misinterpretation that is further reinforced by social media. As a consequence, Strüber states that the emerging autonomy needs of children are often neglected because the focus is too strongly on the baby phase.

Back into orbit

Herbert Renz-Polster also observes that parents sometimes remain fixated on bonding and struggle to strike a balance that also allows for exploration. «Nature intended for the focus to be on the baby at first, with everyone revolving around the newborn,» he says, continuing with this image:

«At the end of the baby phase, the planets should slowly resume their gravitational activity. If the child remains the centre of attention, they will be overwhelmed in this position. They will gradually want to enter the family orbit, where everyone's needs are heard.» It is easy for parents to miss this turning point after the baby phase and ignore their own needs for too long. This is understandable because during the baby phase, the feeling often arises that the most important thing is that my child is happy!

On social media, much of the discourse is dogmatically exaggerated and seems like a checklist being ticked off.

Susanne Mierau, educator and author

However, without consideration for one's own needs, this planetary system lacks its actual power centre, namely parents who feel comfortable in their role. This enables them to effectively support their child during this particularly challenging period of development: granting the toddler a significant degree of autonomy while simultaneously maintaining boundaries for all family members.

Distorted image on social media

The distorted image that social media sometimes paints of this parenting style is also unhelpful for parents. «There are thousands of videos urging parents to be mindful, warm and gentle. Some parents then feel like failures when they don't always manage to do that,» says Herbert Renz-Polster. Parents seek confirmation from those who supposedly do it well, and that makes them even more insecure. It's also easy to get the impression that it's about constantly fulfilling every need.

Susanne Mierau is similarly concerned about developments on social media. The Berlin-based educator and author has written several non-fiction books on the subject of «needs-based education.» «Nowadays, anyone can act as an expert online. Many are not qualified, but they make professional videos and reach a very wide audience.»

This has led to the emergence of many terms that have nothing to do with the original idea of needs-based education. Furthermore, the focus on needs is usually presented in a very one-sided manner. «Much of it is dogmatically exaggerated and seems like ticking off a checklist,» says Mierau.

Children usually express an immediate desire. It is our job to find out what need lies behind it.

Patricia Lannen, developmental psychologist

Desire or necessity?

A misunderstanding that may be linked to this one-sidedness is the frequent confusion between desire and need. «The third chocolate bar is not a need to eat regularly and not go hungry, but that is,» says Susanne Mierau. This misconception is based on half-knowledge, which she is confronted with time and again in interviews and in the media.

For example, a child's desire to bake a cake with their parents may be driven by a need for time together and closeness. «It's important to see things from the child's perspective,» explains developmental psychologist Patricia Lannen, director of the Marie Meierhofer Institute for Children in Zurich .

One problem in distinguishing between wants and needs is that children, at least up to a certain age, express their immediate desires and are not yet able to identify the underlying need themselves.

«How children perceive their needs is linked to their emotional and cognitive development. Children usually express an immediate desire. It is our job to find out what need lies behind it.» As a mother or father, you could say, for example, «Unfortunately, we can't bake a cake right now because we don't have the ingredients and I'm too tired. But let's read a story together." This does not fulfil the desire to bake a cake, but it does satisfy the need for time together.

According to this, recognising a need is linked to the ability of the caregiver to perceive the child's signals, interpret them correctly and respond appropriately. «This so-called parental sensitivity is an intuitive skill. If it is lacking, it is important to look at how parents can be supported in this area rather than judging them,» says Lannen.

Children need caregivers who believe in them and challenge them.

Allow frustrations

It is therefore important to respond to the child's needs – but frustration must also be allowed, emphasises the psychologist. «This has been scientifically proven,» says Patricia Lannen, referring to a large meta-study.

Dutch psychologist and professor of education Marinus van IJzendoorn has shown that children develop best when parents do not help them with every little frustration. This teaches children to regulate minor discomfort themselves. The development of self-regulation, i.e. the successful management of emotions and other intense states, is a key developmental task that is important for the whole of life.

Children need people they can relate to, who believe in them and challenge them. This applies not only to young children, but also to older children. Of course, it is convenient for a child to get immediate help with their homework rather than having to endure the anger and frustration of not understanding the task. However, if they manage to resolve this feeling on their own and try again, they will have learned a lot.

Teenagers need to learn boundaries

Psychologist Christine von Arx, who studies child and adolescent development at the Zurich University of Applied Sciences (ZHAW), knows that this continues into adolescence.

«Young people in particular have a strong need for autonomy. They need independence to develop their potential.» That is important, of course, but as always, it is a question of striking the right balance.

«If parents are always in agreement with their teenagers and accept everything they do, this inhibits their development. They need their parents as sparring partners with whom they can engage in debate. They need to learn where their parents' boundaries lie, where those of their fellow human beings lie, and where they can assert themselves.» What is frustration tolerance in young children is very similar to assertiveness in teenagers.

Needs within the family system

That's the theory. In practice, needs-based parenting demands a lot from mothers and fathers. «For many parents, this inner attitude makes it necessary to reflect on and question themselves, their own influences and patterns of behaviour, as they may have been brought up in a more authoritarian style themselves,» says psychologist Stefanie Rietzler.

In order to be able to support children sensitively, I must first be able to regulate myself.

Stefanie Rietzler, psychologist

But new patterns of behaviour take time and energy to become ingrained – and don't always come to mind in stressful situations. «In order to be able to accompany children sensitively through emotional storms, i.e. to co-regulate them, I must first learn to regulate my own nervous system and keep my own impulses in check. Otherwise, I will all too quickly become infected by the child's frustration, sadness, anger, fear or disappointment and get carried away. Then I myself become angry, loud or overwhelmed by fears,» says Rietzler.

Trust as the key

Furthermore, relationship-oriented parenting requires trust: trust in the child, in oneself and in the parent-child relationship. «I cannot rely on asserting myself with strictness or harshness in conflict situations and controlling my child. I really have to engage with my child, be flexible and find individual solutions.» This also makes you vulnerable as a mother or father.

Stefanie Rietzler remembers a day when she was exhausted and stressed, and her nearly three-year-old child stamped his foot and complained about her annoyed tone: «Stop, Mummy! Stop talking to me like that, it's not fair!» I don't like that at all!" «At first I was taken aback,» recalls the psychologist, «but then I was able to see the positive side of it.»

It is about showing appreciation for other people and feeling connected to them.

Susanne Mierau, educator

Jasmine Treiber's everyday life with four small children is by no means perfect. «There are days when nothing goes right,» she says. «But I also have my own baggage with my problems and how I feel on a particular day. I'm still there, and if I raise my voice, I apologise. That way, the children see that I'm only human. My boundaries are important, and they can use them as a guide.»

The good news is that there is no medal for the best needs-based parenting. «It's not about perfection or ticking off a checklist from a parenting guide, but about treating other people with respect,» says Susanne Mierau.

Nor is it the idea to satisfy every need that arises immediately, but rather to acknowledge it first. «And ultimately, it's not just about the children's needs, but about connection, togetherness and understanding that needs and interactions within the family must be seen as a system.»