4 guiding principles for needs-based education
1. It's about remaining authentic as parents
«I think the idea of needs-based parenting is right. However, many of the idealised notions circulating on this topic and the general social trend towards self-optimisation often obscure what it is really about, namely an appreciative approach to parenting. That's why I think it's so important to focus on remaining authentic as parents and not simply imitating what others do.
I think many parents are so keen to make up for the mistakes of previous generations that they approach the issue too intellectually. But you should reflect on your own circumstances and influences and define your own values. You can't always keep an eye on everything. Every family and every child is different; there is no magic formula. Instead, you should ask yourself: What kind of parent am I and what can I give my child?»
Christine von Arx, psychologist
People who experienced trusting relationships in childhood are able to regulate themselves well.
Nicole Strüber, neurobiologist
2. It is important that parents express their own boundaries and needs
children need an environment in which both they and their caregivers can express their feelings openly without being talked out of them or punished for them. This is the only way they can learn to recognise their own boundaries and needs as well as those of others. In a bonding-friendly environment, parents should also talk about their feelings: «I'm feeling sad right now, but it will pass. I'm not feeling very well today, but it has nothing to do with you. I was really angry with you just now, I'm sorry.»
Even very young children understand such sentences – based on tone of voice and facial expressions. Parents are always role models in this respect. Through this empathetic behaviour, children learn to empathise with others, express their own needs and accept the feelings of others. At the same time, they realise that the world will not come to an end if they are shown limits to their spontaneous desires in everyday life»
Claus Koch, psychologist and attachment researcher
3. Children benefit from empathetic interaction throughout their lives
«during co-regulation, the child transfers negative feelings to the parents, and the parents transfer their calmness to the child. This happens through touch and trusting interaction. This releases the hormone oxytocin, which has a stress-reducing and calming effect.
Children have not yet developed the ability to self-regulate very well. Certain neural connections in the brain must first mature before they can regulate themselves. When parents co-regulate, these connections are strengthened over time. The oxytocin system itself is also shaped: if children repeatedly experience togetherness and high oxytocin release in early childhood, this system develops well.
Children whose basic needs are not adequately met feel alone, rejected and increasingly worthless in the long term.
Claus Koch, psychologist and attachment researcher
People who have repeatedly experienced trusting relationships during childhood are therefore able to regulate themselves well. As adults, these people tend to seek out interaction with others because it helps them relax. They know that being with others is good for them and are generally better at coping with stress»
Nicole Strüber, neurobiologist and psychologist
4. The «safe haven» at home has a protective function
«children whose basic needs are not adequately met feel alone, rejected and increasingly worthless in the long term. As a result, their inner world is characterised by insecurity and fear of loss. Some withdraw fearfully from the world they perceive as threatening.
However, most children, at least when they are still young, initially make greater efforts to finally be heard and seen. They then constantly seek attention at home, and later at nursery or school, often using counterproductive methods.
To get it, they «disrupt», become loud or aggressive – the main thing is that «someone sees me and cares about me!». In most cases, however, they are met with rejection. This is a feeling they already know from their futile attempts to get attention at home. A vicious circle develops.
In contrast, children who grow up in a nurturing environment generally feel secure, safe, understood and accepted. They are much better able to deal with disappointment or rejection – both at home and in unfamiliar surroundings.
They carry their parents« »safe haven" within them like a protective shield. At the same time, their parents have far fewer conflicts with their children in everyday life, as they do not have to constantly fight for attention
Claus Koch
