«I want my children to feel seen and heard.»
Simone Spizzo, 38, is training to be a social education worker and lives with her children Matteo, 10, and Noé, 8, in a shared custody arrangement.
I was raised in a very authoritarian manner and often felt that there was no place for my feelings. It was only when I worked as an au pair in the USA that I experienced what it means to be loved and accepted in a new way. My host mother said to me: «You are the most precious thing I have besides my children.» Hearing this from someone who hardly knew me was a key moment. I knew that I wanted to pass this feeling on to my children later in life.
When I was pregnant with Matteo, I heard about needs-based parenting for the first time and knew that this was the path I wanted to take. But after he was born, I felt overwhelmed and alone. My partner at the time was unable to support me, and those around me were often sceptical of my parenting style.
Needs-based parenting is not a goal I have achieved, but a path I am constantly revisiting.
Nevertheless, I stuck with it. I began to take a long, hard look at myself. It was a journey full of detours. There were times when I no longer recognised myself. But at some point, I realised that if I really wanted to give my children security, I had to learn to find it within myself.
I began to develop new strategies – not out of defiance against my past, but out of a desire to consciously do things differently. I learned how important it is to look after myself so that I can be there for others.
Of course, I sometimes fall back into old patterns. I can raise my voice when I'm overwhelmed. But I notice it, talk to my children about it and apologise. For me, relationships today are not about perfection, but about connection. And that always starts with me.
A daily life free from coercion and violence
My current partner supports me in this attitude. My training as a social education worker also gives me a lot. I support girls in difficult life circumstances and try to be present, listen to them and see them – just as I try to do with my own children.
Needs-based parenting is not a goal I have achieved, but a path I am constantly revisiting. It is an intrinsically motivated stance against violence in my relationship with my children. By this, I mean not only physical violence , but also verbal and psychological violence in particular . I approach my children with an open heart and a watchful eye. I want to give them what I lacked as a child and want them to feel seen and heard.
A guiding principle that always accompanies me is: if I acknowledge the truth of my counterpart as just as true as my own, we meet on equal terms. This sentence reminds me time and again to be humble. To listen without judging. In this way, I can work out strategies and solutions with my children that allow us to experience our everyday lives without coercion or violence.
