«We're not afraid to spoil the children.»

Nadine Guth is a primary school teacher and her husband Alain is a vet. They are both 36 years old. They have three sons , Louis, 7, Lenny, 6, and Leo, 4, and share the work and childcare responsibilities.

Nadine: " I first became interested in the topic of «needs-based parenting» after Lenny was born. When I read about it, I realised: that's how we parent! Without ever having made a conscious decision to do so, and without even having a name for it, we had simply done it that way from the start. It's important to me to parent on an equal footing. That we treat each other with respect.

I do see quite a difference in how we treat children compared to the older generation. When Louis comes home at lunchtime, for example, he needs to wind down before eating. So we give him some time and he comes to the table ten minutes later. My parents are surprised that we don't all eat together, but they're used to doing things differently

The boys are very different. You can't assume things based on yourself or what you would have needed as a child at that moment.

Nadine

Alain: «We try to take the children's needs seriously. In this case, it's important to us that Louis takes the time he needs after school. We can see that it's good for him. Of course, it's not always easy, especially when time is tight. We can't just say, «Take your time.» Instead, we have to think about how we can accommodate him.»

Nadine: «We also get criticism for our parenting style, for example , the family bed. Sometimes I respond by saying, 'I don't think they'll sleep with us until they're eighteen. When they don't want to anymore, they have their own rooms with their own beds. Otherwise, the boys are very different. When Louis has an emotional outburst, I would love to give him a hug. But he doesn't want that. Lenny, on the other hand, calms down much better with physical contact. You can't just assume what you would have needed as a child in that moment.»

Few evenings as a couple

Alain: «Paying attention to the children's needs can also be exhausting. But we're not afraid of spoiling them. Simply because there are three boys and they are close in age, they learned early on that other people have needs too. When I'm alone with them, everyone has to take a back seat sometimes. I find it particularly difficult when they are tired and overexcited. Nevertheless, we believe we are on the right track. We want to give the boys a strong bond so that they can go out into the world feeling confident. It is important to us that they carry within them all the values we teach them for treating each other with respect.»

Nadine: «Of course we have boundaries. If one of us doesn't feel like it after a long day, they hand over to the other. And we each have one evening a week to ourselves. Alain does sport, and I sing in the village choir. As a couple, we have neglected our time together quite a bit in recent years. After our first child, the need wasn't so strong, but it grew with each child. We don't have many evenings together as a couple because it's too difficult to organise.»

Alain: «To compensate , we go away together as a couple four weekends a year and do things like cycling or skiing. Things we used to do when we didn't have children. It's good for us. We're lucky that our parents make this possible and that our boys enjoy visiting their grandparents.»