Dear parents, think more about yourselves!
A mother writes to Jesper Juul:
"I have a problem with our daughter Anna, who will soon be six years old. She resists almost everything. And her brother Nico, three years old, is now also starting to become more and more demanding. Both of them have required a lot of care since birth , they take up 100 per cent of my time.
Sometimes Anna doesn't want to go to nursery, she doesn't want to put her shoes on, she wants chocolate, and she wants it now! She always wants to do her thing. I feel like I have a teenager at home who won't listen to anything I say.
Anna finds it difficult to adapt, she is very rebellious and stubborn. I try not to violate her integrity, but I explain to her that she can't have everything.
When she's angry, I try to find out why she's angry. It's no use. For the past six months, Nico has started to get his own way with her, which naturally leads to the most violent arguments. I'm always unsure how and when I should intervene, how I should react when she violently snatches his toys or hits him.
Some days I almost give up. It's particularly bad when the two of them «gang up» on me, when Anna instigates her brother to do forbidden things: Breaking things, climbing on furniture or hitting me. It seems as if our children know exactly what they want and as if nothing and nobody in the world can dissuade them from their opinion.
The two of them demand so much of me that I have almost no energy left. I spend most of my time alone with the children because my husband works a lot and doesn't take much time to bring them up at home."
Answer from Jesper Juul:
My spontaneous input was to write you a short reply saying: «Take good care of your precious self!» But then I realised that this is exactly what you find difficult. So here is my more detailed response.
Without knowing more details, I have the impression that two educational principles prevail with you: On the one hand, integrity is upheld, and on the other, it is precisely this that is repeatedly violated. These two principles are more than just a guiding principle in your relationship with your children. Because you are trying so hard to preserve the integrity or dignity of your children, you have completely forgotten to look after your own integrity, your own values and ideals. You constantly push them into the background.
All children need are parents who can also look after themselves and prioritise their own needs.
can prioritise their own needs.
The way your daughter treats your son is a consequence of this: your daughter's behaviour shows that she has never had the opportunity to learn more about the integrity of other people. In relation to you as a mother, this means that your daughter has never been able to learn what your needs and values are.
This «mistake», which I believe is happening to you, is not uncommon. Many parents who read my books only remember what is good or bad for their children after reading them, but not what is good or bad for them as parents.
Many parents who read my books only remember what is good or bad for their children after reading them, but not what is good or bad for them as parents.
I have no idea if you just forgot to take yourself as seriously as your children, or if perhaps your own integrity was violated as a child. I suggest you stop giving your children 100 per cent of yourself. That is much more than children need - regardless of their specialities.
All children need are parents who can also look after themselves and prioritise their own needs. I am very sorry that you obviously have to live as a single parent. It would be a lot easier if you had an empathetic partner who could be more supportive. You should ask him about it.
About the author Jesper Juul:
Take your child seriously - treat them with respect. Children don't need boundaries - they need relationships. Parents don't need to be consistent - they need to be credible.
The Danish family therapist Jesper Juul has influenced people like no other in recent decades with his parenting and relationship principles. The founder of the familylab counselling network and author of over 40 books («Dein kompetentes Kind», «Aus Erziehung wird Beziehung») was married twice. He is survived by a son from his first marriage and two grandchildren.
Jesper Juul died on 25 July 2019 at the age of 71 after a long illness in Odder, Denmark.
Jesper Juul's columns are written in collaboration with familylab.ch
Read more from Jesper Juul:
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Eine verunsicherte Mutter sucht Rat: Sollen Eltern eingreifen, wenn sich Kinder gegenseitig mit Plastikpistolen «erschiessen» und so tun, als würden sie anderen Kindern die Kehle durchschneiden?
- Kinder sollten alles über den Tod erfahren
Die Grossmutter leidet an Krebs. Die Krankheit belastet die Familie sehr. Eines der Kinder hat Albträume, spricht über die Angst vor dem Sterben. Wie sollen wir mit unseren Kindern über den Tod reden? Und wie sollen wir mit unserer Trauer und der Trauer unserer Kinder umgehen?