«Parents need to develop an awareness of their limits»
Mrs Cina, studies show that children feel their mothers' acute stress emotionally and physiologically. So do we as parents have to constantly pull ourselves together?
Children can certainly tolerate stress. If parents are under pressure from time to time but can cope with it, then children learn that such phases of stress are simply a part of life that we can deal with.
When does parental stress start to have a negative impact on children's development?
When we are stressed, we are very preoccupied with ourselves and take less notice of our surroundings. We can't take on the issues and problems of others as well. In a family context, this means that parents are only open to their children's needs to a limited extent or not at all. If this becomes the norm, the interaction and attention that are important for a child's development are permanently missing.
What are the consequences?
Children notice when their parents are not feeling well. Many children of overburdened parents then withdraw very much so that they do not cause any more stress or are no longer exposed to it. These children often no longer express that they need help. They internalise that there is no room for this. With this over-adaptation, children can even forget to feel their own needs. They don't initially stand out because of their conformism, but sometimes develop behavioural problems or even psychological problems.
Is this type of withdrawal the only behavioural abnormality?
There are also children who stand out for their opposite behaviour. If parents often snap, shout or even become violent due to their tension, this can result in children adopting these patterns. They then learn that you have to assert yourself loudly and quickly become aggressive and physical. Parents then react to this behaviour with appropriate measures. Family dynamics develop where everyone is constantly very loud and irritable.
Constant stress between parents is a major risk factor for problem behaviour in children.
Are there differences in the effects of maternal and paternal stress on children's behaviour?
It's less about gender and more about function. If the primary carer drops out due to stress and exhaustion and no one else is there to pick up the slack, then that is a massive loss for a child. Within the old role patterns, it may be that the father works more and his stress does not have a direct effect on the children. But it will have an indirect effect on their mood: You have to be quiet. You have to hunker down because otherwise dad will snap. The burden on the partner is often high, which frequently leads to conflicts in the partnership. This in turn is very stressful for children. Constant stress between parents is a major risk factor for problem behaviour in children.
In which phases of development do children suffer particularly from parental stress?
Babies and small children tolerate stress extremely badly because they cannot categorise it. They try to find their way through this uncertainty, which is incredibly exhausting. Primary school children may already be able to understand stress better, but they often relate their parents' behaviour to themselves. They then feel something like «If mum or dad flip out, it's my fault». This is very destructive.
Young people may well recognise that parental stress has little to do with them, but it still stresses them out. This can lead to extreme distancing. Some also try to protect their parents and take on a responsibility that they cannot fulfil. So you can't say that stress is less dramatic at any stage of life. Chronic, i.e. long-lasting and intense stress always has a negative impact on parenting and children.
From a parent's perspective, that sounds pretty scary. We want to look after our children well, but at the same time the stress is not getting any less. In recent years, there have been more and more studies on parental exhaustion and burnout.
Parenting has always been stressful, so we shouldn't fool ourselves. However, studies such as those conducted by the Federal Statistical Office show that stress levels in Switzerland have risen and that parents in particular feel overburdened. This is not because parents are no longer resilient or worry too much about their children, but because there are few rest periods in parents' everyday lives these days. Among other things, this is due to the higher workload, but also to the online age and our constant availability and accessibility.
If parents share themselves with their children, they no longer relate the stress to themselves. This takes the pressure off them.
What do you recommend to relieve the family system?
It helps to work on your attitude towards your children and to communicate openly with them. Parents are not infallible and should not put on an act. You can explain to younger children that you are extremely tense at the moment. Then children won't blame their irritability and outbursts of anger on themselves. That can take a lot of pressure off.
It is also important to experience positive moments as a family on a regular basis. This can take the form of planned activities or simply a deliberate break in the daily routine. By taking time to pause and reflect together on what is really important, parents and children can strengthen their relationships and improve the quality of their time together. All of this only works if parents develop an awareness of their own needs and boundaries. If they don't focus on their own self-care, this will harm the children in the long term.
