Parental stress: Our topic in March

6 o'clock. Get up, wake the children, make breakfast, make sandwiches. Child 1 doesn't get out of bed, child 2 dawdles in the bathroom. Check the class rota on the side: The school is looking for a new parents' representative, swimming lessons have been cancelled, a boy is missing his cap. Child 1 pokes listlessly at his muesli, child 2 realises that he still has to practise his vocabulary.

Once the children are finally out of the house, take a deep breath. A mountain of emails and three meetings await before the question pops up: what are we going to eat for lunch? And the wild ride continues: child 1 has to be shuttled to cello lessons, child 2 gets braces fitted. Then shopping, checking homework, preparing dinner. Child 1 has to clean the litter tray, child 2 has to tidy his room. Twice: not in the mood. A present is missing for the children's birthday party. Actually, you wanted to read aloud. If only it wasn't for this leaden tiredness.

Do you know days like this? Do you know the feeling of being determined by others? Do you also struggle with the unbearable simultaneity of things? You're in good company. One in six mothers and one in ten fathers in Switzerland feel overloaded most or all of the time. That's what the statistics say. Among women with children under the age of four, as many as 23 per cent say that they find it hard to juggle their various activities.

In 1991, the employment rate of mothers was just under 60 per cent. 30 years later, over 80 per cent were already working. And now please read carefully, dear fathers: mothers still work more than 50 hours a week in the household - in addition to their professional workload. In the mid-thirties age group in particular, the difference is huge: women do 110 per cent more «care work» than men, take care of and feel responsible for almost everything that comes up.

It is precisely when things are out of our hands that we need places to retreat to.

Michael Pfaff, specialist in psychiatry and psychotherapy, head of the Clinica Holistica Engiadina burnout clinic in Susch GR

The so-called mental load, the invisible mental work, arises in all areas of care and housework: writing shopping lists, coordinating doctor's appointments, planning holidays for the family, knowing who's birthday it is, getting presents. An excess of care and housework leads to stress and, in the worst case, to health problems.

The dossier «Parental stress» by my colleague Kristina Reiss explores the question of how stressors that affect us from the outside are linked to internal stressors - in other words, the stress we cause ourselves. How we can relieve ourselves of the pressure and worries that come with having children today. And how we manage to deal with the high expectations we have of ourselves and the urge for perfection without stress.

The best way to do this is to take inspiration from the British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott. He realised back in the 1950s that no child needs a perfect parent. Winnicott coined the term «good enough mother» and «good enough father». According to the paediatrician, it is enough if we as parents react correctly in 50 to 60 percent of cases and do a reasonably good job. What a comforting realisation!

I wish you every success in being a «good enough» parent.

Sincerely,

Yours, Nik Niethammer