Needs-orientated parenting, but how?

An average evening: the parents clear the table from dinner, the children make preparations to disappear. «Er, can you help please? », says the mum with a reproachful undertone. «I have to sort my football cards,» mumbles the eight-year-old and disappears. «I want to call Paula,» says the eleven-year-old, and she's gone. Mum and dad roll their eyes in exasperation; the same thing every day.

«Aren't you researching needs-orientated parenting?» asks the man. «Clearing the table is probably not one of our children's needs.» Indeed, here it is, the new book by Berlin educator Susanne Mierau: «Free and unbent: accompanying children without pressure and accepting them unconditionally».

Old patterns persist

Our image of education and childhood has been passed down from generation to generation and has been questioned far too little, writes Mierau. We no longer need conformist, obedient children, but flexible, creative and globally minded children who can deal with the challenges of the future. That's why we need to support them differently in future. Mhmm, that makes sense. The sentence «Many problems arise because we don't really see and understand our children, but only follow our ideas of what a child should be like» also sounds understandable in theory.

In practice, parents are often faced with a dilemma: although they know what they should do, in stressful situations they fall back into patterns that they thought they had overcome - working with fear («If you don't brush your teeth, the dentist will have to drill»), threatening to withdraw love («Into your room, now!»), fibbing or possibly tricking («You can't eat that, it's got alcohol in it»). The way out? «Instead of resorting to old parenting methods, we should instead focus on relationships,» says Mierau: "Accept the child unconditionally as they are and have no expectations of how they should be. In short: needs-orientated parenting.

The approach makes sense for babies and toddlers, after all, their needs are of an existential nature (hungry, tired, full nappy) and can usually be satisfied quickly. But what about schoolchildren or teenagers, who obviously have no need to help out around the house?

Call the German science journalist Nicola Schmidt, who has just published the book «Der Elternkompass», in which she analyses all scientific studies on the subject of education. «If we want children to help around the house, we first need to lay the foundations: We need to teach them empathy, develop their morals and learn to resolve conflicts together with them,» Schmidt believes. «Oops», the questioner snaps, «our children are obviously not empathetic - education failed.»

Involve children

But Schmidt knows what to do: go on a sit-down strike! «If no one helps clear the table next time, just sit on the floor and say: "I can't do it any more!», recommends the author. «You'll see how quickly your children will join in!» It's about involving your children instead of just demanding performance from them. With her own children, it helped to write down all the tasks that still need to be done and say: «If I have to do all this on my own, I'll be too tired to read out loud tonight .»

Incidentally, her ten-year-old son takes care of the litter tray himself - «but not because I said «you have to»,» says Schmidt with a laugh. The tip led to success: «Look, the cat needs to go urgently, but her litter tray is so dirty. How do you think she feels?» «Wow,» I think, «that sounds good,» and for a brief moment I consider getting a cat. Then Nicola Schmidt adds: «The whole thing is purely a matter of practice! I know adults who don't help of their own accord - how can we expect children to do so?»

The situation is very similar when it comes to media consumption: if even adults can binge-watch TV until 4 a.m., how can a child manage to get off after 30 minutes on a games console without complaining? «My word!» exclaims Nicola Schmidt. «These devices are insane dopamine spinners - like coke, you can't just say: stop it!»

But what do parents do if they want to cater to the needs of their eight-year-old, who in turn has a strong desire for screen time? «The trick is to sense the need behind the desire «I want to play tablet»,» says Schmidt. This could also be: «Teach me how to get out of this world again.»

So install screen locks after all? No, says the author. Otherwise, the child will simply learn: «The device has control over me», and by the age of 14 at the latest, the offspring will be able to outsmart it anyway. Instead, parents should practise with their children: How can I get away from the online world?

No sooner said than done. So mum sits down with her son for the last ten minutes and asks: «Can you stop now?» - «No, I have to score a goal first.» - Three minutes later: «Okay, but now?» - «Noooooo! Shh, you're messing me up!»

Parents should be clear in their thoughts and wishes - and endure the child's reaction to a no if necessary

Another five minutes later, he actually logs out. «That was cool, Mum, did you see me pull that off?» - «Mmm.» - «Can we always do it like that now?» - «What?» - «That you watch at the end?»

«Boundaries and guidelines work best when children can understand them and they are negotiated together,» says Susanne Mierau in a Skype conversation. Sounds exhausting? The Berlin educator disagrees: «If we succeed in focussing on relationships rather than education, this is the easier and more relaxed way.» At the same time, parents should be clear in their thoughts and wishes - and, if necessary, endure the child's reaction to a no.

The power imbalance remains

Philipp Ramming is also an advocate of clear statements. «A clear «no» is relieving for children,» says the leading Swiss child and adolescent psychologist, who also works with families. «They need this freedom to set boundaries.» Parents also save a lot of time if they don't have to spend hours talking to their children. Emotionally, a clear «no» is of course the more strenuous way for mum and dad.

But for Ramming, one thing is clear: «There is always a power imbalance between children and parents.» Susanne Mierau, on the other hand, is in favour of accompanying children as equals. To do this, however, parents need to distance themselves a little from their own ideas and plans in order to really act in the child's best interests. In short: take their feelings into account and take them seriously. But also letting go and trusting in the growing independence of their offspring.

While I'm still thinking about how we actually do this with our children, the scales fall from my eyes: we've already done it! Even on a grand scale! Two years ago, when the then nine-year-old suddenly wanted to change schools, from the ordinary, mixed neighbourhood primary school around the corner to a Catholic girls' school almost an hour away by bus. «No way», we parents thought, «we'll sit it out, she's not serious anyway.» But the child held firm.

Delivered amazingly good arguments in endless discussions and debated like a big girl. After «It's mean if you decide that - I have to go to school», we gave in. Since then, the child has returned to school at home at her own request and has learnt to appreciate the short distances, getting up much later and the boys in class.

It's also about your own needs

«It could have been easier for her,» said a friend the other day, «a nine-year-old can't keep track of things like that.» No, she probably can't, but neither can mum and dad. But what was enormously worthwhile was trying it out - it was incredible what the child learnt in the process. And the parents too! Susanne Mierau believes that leaving certain areas to the children and giving in to their desire for independence can be very beneficial - even when it comes to small things. «If parents always think they know better how their child should act, the child only learns that devaluation and uncompromisingly asserting their opinion is okay.»

These words come to mind as I discuss with my eight-year-old for the umpteenth time why he should leave the house with a jacket when the temperature is in the single digits. While he is still moaning: «But I'm not cold», mum suddenly says: «Okay, decide for yourself.» Whereupon the baffled child happily seizes the opportunity and slams the door behind him. Without a jacket. Parenting based on the child's needs - check!

Especially with young children, mothers often confuse need-orientation with self-sacrifice and complete neglect of their own needs.

Felizitas Ambauen, psychotherapist and couples therapist

«Wait a minute,» says psychotherapist and couples therapist Felizitas Ambauen. «Needs-orientated is good, but if you're going to do it, you should keep everyone involved in mind.» In her practice in Nidwalden, the therapist notes: «Especially with young children, mothers often confuse need-orientation with self-sacrifice and complete neglect of their own needs.» It's like oxygen masks in an aeroplane: «I can only take care of others when I'm getting enough oxygen myself.»

In addition, parental sacrifice is not good for children. «They simply internalise that others will do everything for them and don't develop a tolerance for frustration,» says Ambauen. Phew! It's not all that easy with this needs-orientated parenting!

Absolutely commitment- and needs-orientated: Impossible!

But Susanne Mierau sets the bar low: «It is impossible to deal with children in a perfectly non-violent and absolutely attachment- and needs-orientated way,» she reassures them. On the contrary: mistakes and insecurities are normal (that's why it's important to be able to say «I'm sorry»), parents don't always have to react immediately (when a child throws a tantrum, take a deep breath first) and should disclose their own boundaries («I can't go to the playground with you today because I'm too exhausted»).

In short, parents don't always have to be omniscient. «Basically,» says the Berlin educator, «it's enough to respect the child's feelings and take them seriously.» Felizitas Ambauen adds: «Let's accompany children the way we would want our friends and partners to. That starts with tone of voice and choice of words.»

In the end, there is indeed a sit-down strike - an extremely funny one in which the whole family takes part. Afterwards, everyone clears the table without being asked. «We'll always do it like this now!» decides the daughter. Her brother, on the other hand, is in bed with a fever two days after the jacket episode. And mum can't resist making a connection - very uneducational. But sometimes all good intentions don't help.

To read and listen:

• Susanne Mierau: Free and unbent. Accompanying children without pressure and accepting them unconditionally. Beltz 2021, approx. 29 Fr.
• Nicola Schmidt: The parents' compass. Gräfe and Unzer 2020, approx. 39 Fr.
• Podcast Beziehungskosmos: Psychotherapist and couples therapist Felizitas Ambauen and journalist Sabine Meyer discuss burning relationship issues every fortnight: