«My wife is at her wits' end»

Father: Hello. I don't know what to do. It's about my wife and children. I'm very worried about them.

Advisor: Thank you for contacting us. What can I help you with?

Father: My wife is at her wits’ end. We have four children; she stays at home whilst I work full-time. That was our plan. I also earn more – so it seemed logical. But she's so exhausted and often very irritable. She doesn't enjoy anything anymore, not even being a mum. And the children can sense that. Especially our youngest; she's five. My wife is sometimes harsh, especially with her.

I don't want to give up on my marriage; I love my wife. But the way the children are being treated makes me feel uneasy.

Father

Counsellor: You're describing a difficult situation. At the same time, I can sense how much your family means to you – your children and your wife. How long has this situation been going on?

Father: It's been going on for a while now. But it's getting worse and worse. The children still need their mother very much, especially the youngest. That's exactly what makes it so hard to bear. I've tried talking to my wife. I suggested we seek some support. I would even have cut back on my working hours so that she could go back to work. I'm sure it would do her good.

Counsellor: So you've already suggested some very specific solutions. What happens when you share your observations and concerns with her?

Father: She gets angry and says I'm overreacting. Or she thinks I have no idea how she's feeling. Sometimes she doesn't say a word. I've already been to family counselling myself and received some advice. I'd love to put it into practice, but I realise I can't change the situation on my own.

Counsellor: What you're describing is a classic dynamic. It's important to me to state this clearly: your wife is suffering from severe exhaustion, possibly depression, even if she doesn't see it that way herself. That's how I interpret your account. And you're taking on more and more responsibility: you're seeking advice, thinking about solutions, worrying about the children. That's exhausting. At the same time, it does little to address what's really needed.

Father: Exactly. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to give up on this marriage. I love my wife. But what the children have been going through lately – I can't just stand by and watch. It makes me feel terrible.

Counsellor: You've just put your finger on something very important – an inner conflict. On the one hand, there's your bond with her and your desire to keep the family together. On the other hand, there's the need to protect your children. This is a conflict that you cannot simply resolve. And this inner conflict must not lead you to prioritise your relationship over your children's well-being.

Father: It's painful to hear that. But I think you're right.

Show your support, offer to take the strain off her, and let her know – without any judgement – that you're worried about her.

Consultant

Counsellor: May I ask you one more thing? How are you coping with all this?

Father: Nobody ever asks me that. I just carry on. I carry on because I have to. But to be honest – I'm exhausted too. And sometimes angry. Then I feel ashamed of it.

Counsellor: It's important that you say that. Exhaustion and anger aren't signs of weakness – they show that you've been carrying a heavy burden for a very long time. Shame often comes hand in hand with the feeling that you're not allowed to have certain emotions. The important thing is that it's not just your family who needs support, but you yourself as well.

Father: But what exactly can I do about it?

Counsellor: Make sure you're more present for the children, especially the youngest one. It's not about control, but about the fact that children need a reliable and stable adult figure in their lives. Would it be possible for you to reduce your working hours, even if your wife isn't working? That way, you could take on more responsibility for the children – and at the same time give your wife a break by allowing her a day off.

Father: I've actually thought about that myself. It would be a bit of a financial squeeze, but I'd be willing to organise it for a limited period.

Counsellor: I think «taking the pressure off» is a key phrase here. That could also mean looking after the four children for a weekend, so your wife can have a few days off.

Father: That's a good idea. I wish I'd realised all this sooner. I just wasn't there enough.

It's important that you, too, organise some support for yourself now. You can only be a good father to your children if you're not feeling overwhelmed yourself.

Consultant

Counsellor: I understand how you feel. But there are still things you can do right now: be there for her, set clear boundaries, offer support, and let your wife know – without blaming her – that you care: «I'm worried about you. I want you to feel better.» Please let her help you. You can tell her about this phone call and point out that she too can make use of this counselling service. I can well imagine that your loving support will increase her willingness to seek help. And it really is important that your wife receives support.

Father: What if she keeps saying no to everything?

Counsellor: That would be the next big challenge for you, as you'd have to think about the next steps. But we're not there yet. The important thing is that you, too, organise some support for yourself now. You can only be a good father to your children if you're not feeling overwhelmed yourself.

Father: I was afraid to say all that so clearly. You gave me the courage to take the next steps.

Counsellor: I think it's brave of you to have called. I wish you and your whole family all the best!

This transcript is a heavily abridged record of a longer counselling session, focusing solely on the key points. Our aim is, on the one hand, to provide an insight into our work and, on the other, to offer readers food for thought on similar issues.
Yvonne Müller, Co-Director of Elternnotruf