How useful are tips from momfluencers?

In the past, parents met other parents at the local playgroup or, when the children were older, at nursery or at parents' evenings at school. Parenting tips were found in books or given by mothers-in-law, but the number of people who interfered in family life was smaller. Significantly smaller than today.

Today, we have social media – especially Instagram, which is popular with mothers – and with it a confusing flood of tips and comparisons. So-called momfluencers report on their everyday lives as mothers, often setting standards that a «normal» person offline could never meet. There are also a whole host of parenting tips. The qualifications of those giving the tips are not always apparent – often it seems that simply being a mother is enough.

«But I saw that on Insta.»

«Instagram has amplified what parents used to be in our circle of acquaintances,» observes educator Inke Hummel. The bestselling author of parenting guides («Nicht zu eng, nicht zu streng» – «Not too strict, not too lax») advises families on parenting issues and has noticed that «Insta lacks a corrective influence.» Of course, she also sees the advantages of the social media app: the contacts, the exchange, finding like-minded people, the inspiration and impetus. Social media can also be a way out of loneliness, a gateway to the outside world.    

Doing everything for your child? That's not how parenting works. Parents need to be uncomfortable sometimes.

Inke Hummel, educator

But at the same time: even more comparisons, even more tips, an almost impenetrable jungle. Instagram seems to have an answer for every question and diagnosis. «Educated women come to me for counselling and say: But I saw that on Insta,» says Inke Hummel. «Many mothers don't realise that they are only ever shown a snippet.»

Where is the actual time with the family?

This excerpt can put pressure on you not only when it comes to the question «Shouldn't my child be able to walk by now?», but also when it comes to cooking, travelling or housework. Why does she always look so relaxed and fresh, even though she has three children, just like me? Why is the living room always so tidy? How can they afford these incredible trips?  

A constant stream of stories showing every detail of everyday family life, carefully recorded reels, at an incredibly high frequency. Paediatrician and author Herbert Renz-Polster (Mit Herz und Klarheit) also wonders where families can find any real time for family life amid this flood of images.    

The carefully curated accounts put a lot of pressure on many mothers who come to Inke Hummel for counselling. She increasingly has to reassure them that they are not wrong just because their motherhood, household and parenting do not look as perfect as those of the Instagrammers.  

Two parenting trends on Insta

«The algorithm likes extremes, and profiles adapt to the algorithm in order to increase their reach,» she explains. This applies not only to extremely chic houses and extremely healthy breakfast boxes, but also to extremely perfect parenting. She has identified two trends: overprotectiveness and neglect.

The latter is evident in the preaching that one should sometimes let things slide, which is actually well-intentioned advice: but what was once intended as relief for stress-plagued mothers has now gone to extremes for many, according to Hummel.

Still carrying your ten-year-old's school bag? Depending on your Insta bubble, that's perfectly normal.

What is perfectly acceptable as an exception, such as a ready-made pizza for dinner, becomes the norm. Many momfluencers find it more convenient, less stressful and yet still geared towards the needs of their children. But that's not how parenting works, says Hummel: «Parents have to be uncomfortable sometimes.»

Parents seek okay signal

Educator Hummel regularly sees parents in counselling who don't know what else to do and always resort to the secret weapon of watching videos. Child doesn't want to have their nails cut? Play a video. Child doesn't want to brush their teeth? Play a video. Child is whining in the restaurant? Play a video.

Coping with stress, tolerance for frustration, dealing with boredom: all these things that are necessary for growing up are no longer practised. «Many parents seek absolution on Instagram,» says Inke Hummel.

Paediatrician Renz-Polster has observed something similar: parents are often looking for a sign of approval, something along the lines of, «Your child is fine, you just need to understand their idiosyncrasies." A child who still has tantrums at the age of seven is then labelled as strong-willed. While this may provide some relief at first, it does not make everyday life any easier.

Trapped in your own Insta bubble

One problem with Instagram – as with all social media – is the algorithm that shows users content that fits their bubble, their preferences and their viewing habits. And before you know it, you're caught up in a bubble where all the mums carry their ten-year-olds' school bags to school, and you think that's normal. Thinking outside the box? The algorithm doesn't make it easy.

Children must learn to find their own solutions and experience success.

Julia Theeg, child and adolescent psychotherapist

Many mothers on social media are currently advocating consciously spoiling their children. Child and adolescent psychotherapist Julia Theeg takes a critical view of this trend. Children don't have to carry their own school bags, they are allowed to play video games for as long as they want, or only have to eat what they like, and mothers proudly post about it.  

Overprotective parents

According to Julia Theeg, this can be problematic: «If parents always cook their children's favourite meals, for example, to avoid potential conflicts or frustration at the dinner table, children get the feeling that their parents cannot stand it when they don't like something. And in the long term, this can lead to the feeling that their parents cannot stand them.»

She has also observed many overprotective parents who compensate for their own fears by shielding their children. This leads to children lacking confidence in themselves, and this learned helplessness can lead to anxiety and depression. «Children need to learn to find their own solutions and experience success.»

Quick diagnosis of ADHD via Insta

Both Theeg and Hummel see another issue as problematic: dealing with diagnoses such as ADHD, which actually need to be medically assessed. «Many parents seek out experts on Instagram and are presented with supposedly simple solutions, but there are usually no universal solutions, because certain behaviours in children can have very different causes,» says Hummel.

Many momfluencer profiles are only concerned with reach and not with providing factually sound information.  

Problematic handling of children's photos

Theeg also criticises the overly careless use of children's photos and personal information about children on social media, such as details from their lives that could easily be used to draw conclusions about them, such as problems at school or a 14-year-old's fear of falling asleep alone. Parents should set an example for their children by using social media thoughtfully, as this is the only way they will learn how to use it safely themselves.    

Frequently lacking qualifications

But how can you manage your use of Instagram and other social media platforms? Inke Hummel advises carefully curating who you follow and what you don't want to see in your timeline: «This also includes checking the background of profiles: Who pays them? What qualifications do they have? What is their research focus?"  

A full-time mother may know a lot about what works with her own children, but that doesn't make her a trained educator who can give scientifically sound parenting advice. You should always check the sources of information, for example with doctors or advice centres, says Julia Theeg: «And always keep in mind that reach says nothing about quality.»