How does parenting work without scolding?

Sometimes I get loud. Unpleasantly loud. I shout at my children, throw things on the floor, slam doors. Recently, I even stamped my foot. «Like the rage monster in this picture book,» it flashed through my head. I immediately felt pretty stupid.

What had triggered my outburst was banal: It was about a mountain of Lego bricks on the floor. My pleas, requests and admonitions went unheard. My first announcement had already been clear: I needed half an hour's peace and quiet to answer a few important emails. My children were to put their toys away during this time because a visitor was coming later. After the maternal inferno, the 12-year-old disappeared into her room in a huff, her younger brother hid in his bed crying. And I felt bad.

Does that have to be, I ask myself? What does this scolding do to the children? What does it say about our relationship with our sons and daughters - about ourselves? Parenting without scolding - is that even possible?

In my search for answers, I quickly come across the bestseller «Parenting without scolding» by Nicola Schmidt. The parenting expert believes that parents don't achieve what they want to achieve by scolding their children: a change in their children's behaviour. «All studies indicate that scolding, shouting or even punishments do not work,» writes Nicola Schmidt. «If we want to teach our children social rules, we have to go about it differently.»

Two other parenting guides were published at the same time as her book: «Die Schimpf-Diät» by Linda Syllaba and Daniela Gaigg and «Mama, nicht schreien» by Jeannine Mik and Sandra Teml-Jetter. All the authors are mums and at some point asked themselves the same questions that I ask myself.

Scolding is a verbal beating

«Psychological violence is the most common form of violence against minors,» says Swiss psychologist and child protection expert Franz Ziegler in an interview with the Swiss parenting magazine Fritz+Fränzi. According to Ziegler's definition, verbal violence begins with a subordinate clause such as «Don't you ever get it?». Parents who constantly say things like «Learn to do maths properly first, you can't be as stupid as you are» undermine a child's healthy development.

«A child cannot gain healthy trust in itself and in others under these circumstances. That's clear. It constantly hears: you are nothing and you will become nothing,» says Franz Ziegler. His argument is shared by the authors of the three books, who argue in favour of less scolding. They refer to various studies, such as that of the American University of Pittsburgh. The psychologists there have followed over 1,000 families for years and documented their interactions with their children. The result: 90 per cent of parents scolded their children and 50 per cent did so in a hurtful way.

«What we want today are creative children with good self-esteem. Children who say no to drugs and false friends. Children who affirm themselves. But self-esteem can't grow if you're constantly being hurt emotionally,» says Nina Trepp, a family counsellor from Bern. The 39-year-old studied social work and worked as a school social worker for many years. She is now self-employed as an «artgerecht» coach and qualified body-centred psychological counsellor.

Scolding can therefore do as much lasting damage to a child as physical violence. They are verbal beatings. But how can it be done differently? How do I get a child to join in when they are being stubborn?

Children often infuriate their parents. Often unintentionally, but sometimes deliberately. Children experiment. Their parents or guardians react to this. They have to communicate when a boundary has been crossed. How else is a child supposed to learn that certain behaviour upsets others? Many parents come to family counsellor Nina Trepp with precisely this question.

Criticise the situation, not the child

«Many parents are desperate because they want to shout and rant less, but can't find any other channel for their frustration.» Nina Trepp explains that it's not about parents no longer being allowed to feel or show anger. She explains this using the example of a recurring mishap, such as a glass being knocked over. «Parents don't have to whisper «It's no big deal, everything's fine» every time they explode inside.»

Suppressing this parental feeling of anger does not make sense: children sense that their parents are not acting authentically, that they feel something other than what they show. This confuses and unsettles them. Nina Trepp advises parents to verbalise their anger, but to direct it at the situation rather than at the child. «My God, now put the glass further away so you don't keep knocking it over» is okay. «You've knocked it over again, how clumsy you are!» is taboo.

Parents cannot avoid reprimands. The decisive factor is how this is done.

The difference is significant: the first statement only shows that you are annoyed. The second devalues the child and gives them a feeling of inferiority.

«Parents can't avoid reprimands,» says child and adolescent psychologist Guy Bodenmann, Professor of Clinical Psychology specialising in children, adolescents and couples/families at the University of Zurich. Children need to be told when they have crossed a boundary. According to Guy Bodenmann, the «how» of the reprimand is important: What is the language, gestures and facial expressions like? Do the parents express themselves in an age-appropriate and understandable way? Have the parents clearly signalled what they expect from the child? The lasting impression the rebuke leaves on the child depends on this.

Guilt is tragic, responsibility is magical

Rebuke also depends on the context. In the event of danger on the road, for example, a harsh shout can sometimes save lives. But even then, a phrase like «What a stupid child you are. I've told you that a hundred times, but you don't get it» is an offence. Guy Bodenmann describes such statements as «dysfunctional ranting».

And what if that doesn't work? We have become louder than we wanted to be? And above all insulting? Can an apology then undo the bad words? Despite our best intentions, this happens to most of us in the end. «I find a statement by educationalist Jesper Juul very helpful,» says family counsellor Nina Trepp. «Guilt is tragic, responsibility is magical.» When parents apologise for their mistakes, a lot of stress is removed. The children feel better because they feel valued. In addition, children and parents gain an understanding for each other and for the causes of arguments.

In many, perhaps even most cases, the trigger is «stress» or «constant stress». The parents are tired, tense, with their thoughts on unfinished tasks - and then the child doesn't do what the parents think it should.

Although living conditions have become more secure and existential stress has decreased, stress levels have risen. «Time pressure, pressure to perform and multitasking have increased considerably,» says Guy Bodenmann. «And this micro-stress is even more devastating for us in terms of how we feel.» There is almost no understanding from the outside world for the stresses of everyday life. The reaction to this is often: «Hey, I've got a lot on my plate too.» According to Bodenmann, this results in many people feeling like a failure.

So if you as a father or mother are constantly too loud and hurtful, it often says more about you than about your children. When I recapitulate when arguments break out between me and my children, these are almost always moments when I feel that I no longer have control over everyday routines. I sometimes hear myself saying phrases that I remember from my childhood and that I actually reject. As if my rational knowledge of solutions is overlaid by old patterns in these moments of stress.

Jesper Juul has theorised that parents can make twenty mistakes a day when dealing with their children without harming them. Guy Bodenmann says: «A child who grows up in a climate of love and goodwill can cope with parents going off the rails from time to time.» A key factor here is how time is spent in the family. «It's about how much time I make available to my children and my partnership as a whole. And it's about seizing the right moment and being there for my child when they need me. There are times when I have to be available immediately and give my child attention.»

Scolding puts the child under pressure

So the solution is to take the pressure out of everyday life. Be more mindful of yourself. Schedule time for conscious togetherness. Of course, this is easier said than done in practice. The anti-scolding guides therefore contain programmes to reduce stress and tips on how to take the pressure off yourself in everyday life.

But the truth is that it's not just about how relaxed parents are in their parenting role. It's also about their general attitude towards children. Like me, many parents organise their everyday lives according to a tight schedule. Working life with children doesn't work otherwise. However, when my working self meets my mother self, complications arise. I often expect my children to fit in with my pull-it-together-and-get-on-with-it attitude and act like little adults. But they don't. And why should they?

However, this does not mean that a child is antisocial or has problems with rules, says Nicola Schmidt. An example: the child is supposed to help, but doesn't. The «artgerecht» founder explains: «In this situation, we should remember that a child actually wants to co-operate. But at the moment another force is stronger, perhaps it is tired or simply too lazy. We can now put the child under pressure by scolding them.» According to the family counsellor, however, this only helps to relieve parental pressure. Nicola Schmidt thinks it makes more sense to show understanding for the tired child. And she is convinced that children who feel that they are taken seriously are more likely to co-operate. And if they say no again? Maybe you just have to accept it.

When my children approach me and want something from me, I quite often say: «Can it wait a minute? I need a moment.» I should give my children the same right, says family coach Nicola Schmidt. Parents should realise for themselves how urgent a request is and whether, for example, a conversation or an assignment can be postponed until the child takes a break from playing.

I take this to heart in the weeks following the last heated argument. When the next visit is due, I plan the time and tasks together with the children. I set the timer for 30 minutes. That's how long I sit at the computer, that's how long they have to put their things away. In the meantime, the children can listen to an audio book, which greatly reduces their effectiveness. Mine too, by the way, because the story is good. At the end of the agreed time, part of the floor still looks like a Lego landscape. I haven't quite finished my work. But when the visitor arrives in our mess, the mood is good.