When your own child gets on your last nerve
Ms Cina, «Good parents always react calmly to their child's stubborn or aggressive behaviour.» How realistic is this belief?
Always being able to fulfil this requirement is an illusion. Aggression is certainly not part of the ideal image of a family - but unfortunately it is a reality. Stubborn behaviour is common and stressful for parents. If there is time pressure, mums and dads are exhausted and the child then vehemently refuses to play, this pushes mum and dad to the very limits of their patience. If the child reacts aggressively, it is even more difficult to remain calm.
Aggression also triggers something in the parents: A feeling of injustice, excessive demands, disappointment or helplessness. The brain signals an «alarm» and stress hormones put the body into defence or fight mode. Rational thinking becomes difficult, automatisms take over.
How can parents defuse the situation?
Ask yourself: How can I behave without devaluing or hurting the child? Because when it comes down to it, the parents are the stronger ones. Observe when a child gets angry or fights back. Perhaps it is too tired and can no longer react well? Or does he or she have difficulties dealing with boundaries? Parents should adapt their response depending on the situation.
An apology opens up the opportunity to discuss the situation with each other and see what can be changed.
It is just as important for parents to question themselves: What triggers stress in me? How do I then react? Only when this is clear can I make a conscious decision to react differently instead of always shouting. And last but not least: being stubborn means «I don't want to». Everyone in the family has to learn how to deal with their own and others' wills and desires!
What advice do you have for mums and dads who get angry and loud despite their good intentions?
Why not apologise? This shows the children that we recognise that we have done something that was not okay. It opens up the opportunity to discuss the situation with each other and see what can be changed. Parents should not expect children to approve of their parents' behaviour or admit that they have made a mistake. Above all, it is important that a conflict is put aside again and that everyone can deal with each other peacefully.
More on the topic of anger and aggression in the lecture cycle «Cosmos Child»
Vertieft ins Thema einsteigen können Eltern im Rahmen des «Kosmos Kind»-Vortrags «Wut und Aggression in der Familie – wie geht man damit um?» von Annette Cina am 16. April 2024, 18.30 Uhr, in der Stiftung. Für das Kind. Giedion Risch, Falkenstrasse 26, Zürich.
Tickets unter: www.fuerdaskind.ch/vortragszyklus
Abonnentinnen und Abonnenten von Fritz+Fränzi erhalten eine Ermässigung von 50 Prozent mit dem Promocode kosmoskind-24.
The Elternsein Foundation, publisher of the Swiss parenting magazine Fritz+Fränzi, has launched the "Akademie. For the child. Giedion Risch" has launched the exclusive lecture cycle "Kosmos Kind". Recognised experts address different aspects of childhood and convey them in a way that is understandable and relevant to everyday life.
