Help, my child and his girlfriend are so cheeky!

A father experiences a difficult situation with his daughter and sharply distances himself from her. Now he is plagued by a guilty conscience. This is what our team of experts says.

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One question - three opinions

The other day my daughter, 6, had her kindergarten friend over. After lunch, my daughter thought it would be fun to smack me on the bum. I told her kindly but clearly that I didn't want that. Nevertheless, her friend imitated the slap on my bottom shortly afterwards - whereupon I repeated to her even more clearly that I didn't want that. Now her friend no longer wants to come round when I'm there. And I feel guilty because I scolded her. How do I make up for it?
Niklas, 42, St. Gallen

This is what our team of experts says:

Nicole Althaus
You don't need to feel guilty about the content of the reprimand. Even if the slap on the bum was certainly harmless, you alone have to decide whether you tolerate it or not. I cannot judge whether the tone was appropriate. However, the fact that your daughter's friend no longer wants to come to you is probably a sign that he was a little too harsh. Talk to the girl. Explain to her that you are not angry with her. That you simply don't like being spanked, but that you will be very happy when she comes to visit regularly again.
Peter Schneider
If you don't want it, you've already got it. Sounds harsh, but it's true. It's your right to say if you don't like it. If the girl does come round again, you can explain to her in slightly nicer words why you don't like it. But you don't have to «iron out» anything. Not even with the parents. They don't insist that you obey strange rules, they just insist that you don't get hit on the head, especially if you've already told your daughter.
Annette Cina
Kindergarten children often don't yet know in which contexts they are allowed or not allowed to do something. They need feedback so that they can learn where the boundaries are with others. It is therefore okay and important that you make your boundaries clear to the girl. You don't need to feel guilty if you haven't reacted too extremely. Wait and see. The next time you see the girl again, approach her in a friendly and sympathetic manner. Don't bring up what happened back then again. Show that what happened is over and forgotten.


The team of experts:

  • Annette Cina, 52, works at the Institute for Family Research and Counselling at the University of Freiburg. In her own practice, the psychologist, psychotherapist and mother of three counsels young people and adults. Her research focuses on the prevention of child behavioural disorders, couple conflicts, parenting and stress.
  • Peter Schneider, 65, is a columnist, satirist, psychoanalyst, private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich and visiting professor for the history and scientific theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.
  • Nicole Althaus, 55, is editor-in-chief of magazines and a member of the editorial board of «NZZ am Sonntag», columnist and author. She initiated and managed the mum blog on tagesanzeiger.ch and was editor-in-chief of «wir eltern». Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children.
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