«High sensitivity is not a weakness, but a gift»
Mrs Küster, the fact that parents often feel exhausted and overwhelmed has long been part of everyday life in many families. This seems to affect highly sensitive parents even more. What impact does this personality trait have on the everyday lives of mums and dads?
Children generally demand a lot of attention and bring with them a lot of unpredictability and noise. Highly sensitive people tend to perceive and process sensory and emotional stimuli more intensely. They are therefore more affected by daily demands and experience everyday life with children more intensely than parents who are not highly sensitive. In addition, highly sensitive parents often have very high expectations of themselves: They are strongly consumed by their children's needs and want to be there for them. At the same time, however, they become exhausted more quickly than less sensitive parents.
Please give an example of what everyday life can look like for highly sensitive parents.
Imagine a highly sensitive mother being woken up by her child shortly before six o'clock in the morning. The child is full of energy and wants to have breakfast or play, while the mother is not yet ready. That's stressful for all parents, of course. But a highly sensitive mother needs a longer start-up time and she may already be overstimulated before she has even got up properly because she has not had enough time to regenerate during the night. During the day, she will be constantly challenged despite the lack of regeneration. This can lead to a vicious circle of exhaustion and self-doubt and ultimately to mental illness.
Do highly sensitive parents realise that their excessive demands may be due to the fact that they are highly sensitive?
Many people only recognise their high sensitivity in adulthood, usually when they become parents themselves. For many, this time is a trigger to come to terms with their own predisposition. Some recognise their high sensitivity when they notice similar behaviour in their children. However, there are many adults who are unaware of their predisposition or have internalised the idea that they should not be so sensitive.
How does this unrecognised high sensitivity affect parents' lives?
If parents do not recognise or accept their high sensitivity, this can lead to considerable difficulties. They constantly overstretch themselves. Recognising your own sensitivity helps you to structure your everyday life better and consciously allow yourself breaks before exhaustion sets in. An example from my practice shows how important this is: one mum noticed that she reached a point every afternoon where she felt like she was going to «explode». When she learnt to recognise her stress signals earlier and to take short breaks - even if it was just five minutes in which she closed the door and took a deep breath - her quality of life improved considerably.
It is not always possible to demand breaks in everyday family life.
It is therefore important to communicate this sensitivity within the family at an early stage. Even young children can understand when their parents explain that they need some time out to recharge their batteries. It also helps to liaise closely with your partner. One example would be for a partner who is not highly sensitive to take care of the children in the morning so that the highly sensitive partner can start the day in peace and has energy for the remaining tasks. It is important for highly sensitive parents to let go of excessive demands on themselves.
That sounds so obvious. But what if the parents have different levels of sensitivity?
This can lead to misunderstandings and resentment about supposed insensitivity on the one hand and hypersensitivity on the other. It is important that both partners show tolerance and understanding for each other. My advice is to consciously utilise the different strengths - the less sensitive partner tends to take care of practical tasks, while the highly sensitive partner takes on more emotionally intensive work.
Highly sensitive parents are particularly sensitive to a child's needs and moods and react accordingly.
Self-doubt is very common among highly sensitive parents.
A guilty conscience is indeed a constant companion. But only parents who take good care of themselves can take good care of their children. Highly sensitive parents should learn to treat themselves with compassion. Their predisposition is not a flaw in the system! High sensitivity is often a strength.
What advantages do highly sensitive mums and dads have when dealing with their child?
They establish a deep intuitive connection with their son or daughter. They are particularly sensitive to a child's needs and moods and react accordingly. For example, highly sensitive parents can sense very well when their child needs rest or when they are overwhelmed. This ability is a great advantage, as it strengthens children's emotional development and promotes a trusting relationship.
What message would you like to pass on to highly sensitive parents?
High sensitivity is not a weakness. There may be days when it feels difficult to be highly sensitive, but there are just as many moments when this predisposition is a gift. Highly sensitive mums and dads should be proud of their special ability to feel deeply and understand their children in their entirety. If they treat themselves with compassion and love, they can pass these values on to their children and strengthen them on their journey through life.
