Conflicts: thick air in the family

Experts say that siblings clash on average every 20 minutes. Parents argue with their children no less often on some days. It's about homework, bedtimes, the chaos in the children's room, weather-appropriate clothing or media consumption. The list is long. But why is it that we most often come into conflict with those we love? «We are born into families, we don't choose them,» says Barbara Pfeiffer, STEP trainer (Systematic Training for Parents and Educators) in Winterthur. Different characters and personalities clash - which sometimes leads to an explosive mixture.

At home, we don't mince our words, leave filters aside and let our emotions run free.

At the same time, the family is a protected space in which we ideally feel unconditionally loved and can be who we are. Outwardly, we tend to pull ourselves together - be it in the office, at school or at nursery. At home, however, we don't mince our words, leave filters aside and let our emotions run free. Children have already internalised this. Parents notice when the teacher praises the even-tempered character of their second-grader - while the seven-year-old at home is known for throwing tantrums. «Parents should take such behaviour as a compliment in these challenging situations,» says Pfeiffer, who trains mothers and fathers to live together with children in a cooperative and stress-free manner. After all, it shows that the child feels safe at home.

But what is important when arguing? What do adults and children learn from conflict situations in the family?

And what should you avoid at all costs?

Not so long ago, there was hardly any open conflict in many families. Parents were simply right - no arguments, full stop! The authoritarian parenting style dominated, anger and frustration had to be swallowed, instructions had to be followed, otherwise punishments were meted out. And when it came to conflicts between couples, there was usually no arguing in front of the children. Parental behaviour was like a black box: first there was the bad mood, which seemed to have vanished into thin air hours or days later. What happened between these two states remained in the dark for the children.

Today, in times of partnership-based parenting, there are moments when some mothers and fathers wish they didn't have to negotiate everything and anything with their children. Overall, however, it is very much to be welcomed that the commanding family of old has had its day and negotiation has taken its place.

It is very welcome that negotiation has taken the place of the command family of yesteryear.

After all, the family is «an ideal training ground for learning how to resolve conflicts,» says Sabrina Beck, a qualified psychotherapist who is doing her doctorate at the University of Zurich on personality development and parenting. After all, taking the perspective of others, standing up for yourself, finding solutions together - those who acquire these skills in childhood will find it easier to do so as an adult. «In general, parents today are increasingly aware that they have a decisive influence on their child's ability to regulate emotions and resolve conflicts through their upbringing,» says Beck. After all, compared to previous generations, they have easier access to information on the internet and literature or low-threshold counselling services.

«Subtle constant arguing is destructive»

The family therefore acts as a training ground for constructive arguments where you can try things out. But even in this context, it is important to treat each other with respect. After all, arguments in the family, and especially between parents, have an impact on children's mental well-being and their ability to bond.

If boys and girls experience a lot of conflict at home, they are more likely to suffer from depression later in life - this is the conclusion of a 2019 US study. Researchers from the University of Texas analysed 600 families to determine the consequences of long-term conflicts within the family on their children's development. «It doesn't always have to be a huge destructive argument,» says Valentina Rauch-Anderegg, a psychologist and psychotherapist with her own practice in Affoltern am Albis. «Subtle, constant arguing is just as destructive.»

The decisive factor is how parents resolve conflicts

What do mum and dad live by? Are their arguments always exhausting and escalating? Or do they discuss and find compromises? Can they regulate themselves and their feelings? Or do they explode immediately? Do they manage to treat each other with respect and goodwill despite everything? The decisive factor is how parents resolve their conflicts.

«When parents are constantly arguing destructively, it puts a lot of strain on the children,» said conflict and family counsellor Mathias Voelchert in a recent interview with this magazine. Devaluing the other person, putting them down, going round in circles with the same accusations over and over again - Voelchert describes this as destructive. «Children then quickly feel responsible for the argument and develop feelings of guilt.» Girls and boys who experience repeated negative conflicts between their parents are often insecure and stressed. They worry about their parents' well-being and the stability of the family.

Once a conflict has been resolved, the mother and father should put the issue to rest and make a point.

Adults also need to avoid certain things in conflicts with children: Abruptly breaking off an argument, for example («I'm not arguing with you!») or criticising and overgeneralising the child as a person («You're super messy», «You're just a defiant person»). Such reactions only convey to the child: «There's something fundamentally wrong with you» and destroy their basic trust - which in turn can lead to insecurities in many areas of life. What's more: «If they don't learn from their parents' model, children have to work hard to learn this later on - which takes a lot of energy,» says Valentina Rauch-Anderegg. «Because in order to learn a new pattern, the familiar, destructive one must first be discarded.» Once a conflict has been resolved, mum and dad should put the issue to one side and make a point. Meaning: If the child wants to cuddle later, don't start all over again: «You know, I really didn't think that was cool of you earlier.»

Meeting children at eye level

It is therefore about respecting each other in the family, not deliberately hurting each other. This applies to conflicts within the partnership - and with the children.

Parents should meet their children at eye level - take their concerns and feelings seriously. So that girls and boys experience: «My opinion is important, I can make a difference.»

At the same time, parents bear responsibility as guardians and must therefore set clear guidelines («I can see that you're disappointed, but after we've discussed this, this is what we're going to do»). «It's not always easy to find a balance here,» says Rauch-Anderegg. In general, however, the following applies: «The more actively a child is involved in finding a solution and realises that their feelings are taken seriously, the better they can deal with decisions and the fewer arguments there are.» Actively shaping and supporting are the key words.

Mums and dads have to keep sounding out: Which decisions can the child already make themselves and which can't?

Applied to the family, this means, for example, that announcements that leave room for individual manoeuvre are the most promising, such as: «Homework is done by 7 pm. But when exactly you do it is up to you.» A situation that adults are also familiar with from the world of work: The more freedom and opportunities for co-determination we have, the more willing we are to get involved. However, the opposite is true for very detailed guidelines with little room for manoeuvre.

At toddler and kindergarten age, children are still strongly orientated towards their parents, but gradually discover their own will and test boundaries. Mums and dads have to provide a lot of guidance here and keep sounding things out: Which decisions can the child already make themselves and which can't? If necessary, it is important to intervene and make clear announcements: «Stop! The climbing frame is too high! You can't jump down here, otherwise you'll hurt yourself!»

Conflicts increase during puberty

Over the years, conflicts between parents and children change and become increasingly complex - in words and actions - but also more personal and targeted. There are now plenty of reasons to clash within the family: homework, tidying up, table manners, media consumption, bedtimes, sometimes even going out, alcohol, smoking. Or simply: «The others are allowed to do much more than me!»

During puberty, the brain goes through an enormous maturing process, which is responsible for the fact that the child has just been sky-high and is now saddened to death. A rapid rollercoaster ride begins. The older the offspring gets, the more they orientate themselves towards their peers, move away from their parents bit by bit, vehemently want to distance themselves - and yet the next moment they are very much in need of support again. It is often not easy for parents to deal with conflicts in this phase.

The survival strategy for parents of adolescents is: don't take conflicts personally!

«Parents should put less pressure on their children during this developmental phase, but make more offers - for example in terms of joint activities,» says Sabrina Beck. In other words, parents should practise a willingness to compromise. Above all, however, they should not be put off by their offspring's apparent autonomy. Because: «Young people still need their parents a lot, especially during puberty.» In this time of great upheaval, when all the hormonal changes are taking place, central questions are being negotiated («What am I going to do after school and training? Who am I anyway?») and friendships are also changing rapidly, parents are extremely important - as constants in unpredictable waters who help navigate through and are there to lend a sympathetic ear.

For mums and dads, the most important survival strategy during this time is not to take conflicts with their children personally! At the same time, it is also important to set clear boundaries («I don't want you to insult me!»), to involve young people in problem-solving («Everyone helps clear the table. If you're too tired at lunchtime, when are you going to do your bit?») and thus signalling to the next generation: You can help shape things!

«Not every day is smooth sailing»

However - and this also applies to conflicts with younger children - parents should realise this: Nobody has an infinite amount of patience. Or, as Valentina Rauch-Anderegg puts it: «It's okay for a daughter or son to feel that their mum is irritable. Children are allowed to get a realistic picture of the world and realise: Not every day is smooth sailing.»

Conflicts are normal and are part of life. «It's about making it clear to the children that our lives are not a television advert,» says family counsellor Mathias Voelchert. Because what we are taught in the media is a false image of harmony. The aim is to learn how to deal constructively with conflict situations, not to avoid them altogether.

It is important that parents are able to apologise if a situation gets out of hand, if they lose their cool, use bad language or blame the child for the escalation. Then it's important to talk to the child again later («I'm sorry I got loud earlier») so that they learn: «It's okay to make mistakes - but I have to apologise.» In all of this, children should be clear: «Even if we argue now - mum and dad love me.»

Invest time and attention at another time to compensate

Valentina Rauch-Anderegg compares this to a bank account: «You can sometimes withdraw more from it - for example, if you're not so patient due to lack of sleep or if your child is very slow to peel the courgettes when you're cooking together.» However, outside of the conflict, you also have to make a contribution again so that the balance is right: By showing respect and interest, for example, taking time for the child, reading something together, doing arts and crafts or consciously doing something outside together. Asking how the child's day was and listening patiently are also part of this. It's important to always pay more attention in order to compensate for negative experiences - because negative experiences weigh more heavily.

Negative experiences should always be balanced out by more positive ones - because negative experiences weigh more heavily

But not everything can be resolved in a conversation. On the contrary: «Parents should get rid of the idea that If we sit together, we'll always find a solution,» says the psychotherapist. This only creates false expectations. Some days this simply doesn't work. What helps then? «Postpone and go to bed!» advises Rauch-Anderegg. But not in the form of «I'm not going to argue with you any more, I'm going to sleep now» - which leaves the child with the impression: «Mum and dad aren't listening to me.» Instead, it's better to make a clear statement with a specific time: «We're both tired, let's postpone it and talk about it again tomorrow after lunch.»

It takes a willingness to want to change something

It is also always good to set a framework in which all family members can say how they have experienced the last few days, for example discussing the past week on Sunday evening. This gives the children the opportunity to say: «I thought it was stupid that we didn't go to the zoo yesterday after all.» The parents, in turn, can respond to this («That's right, the last-minute change of plans didn't go well») and try to find a solution together («Let's make up for it next week»). «This is also about leading by example,» says Rauch-Anderegg, «about signalling: We'll find a way!»

But what is the best way for parents to react when they realise that a conflict is getting out of hand and they are reaching their limits? «Leave the situation and take a physical time-out before it escalates.» If the same conflicts occur over and over again, if parents or children take a long time to recover after an argument or if they find it difficult to regulate their emotions, Rauch-Anderegg says it's worth looking at the whole thing on a different level: Talk about it with your partner, talk to friends, go to a counselling centre or attend parenting courses. «It often helps to meet parents who are in the same boat,» says STEP trainer Barbara Pfeiffer. «To find out: Others have the same difficulties as me. But also to ask: How do you do it?» However, this all requires the willingness to want to change something.

If parents recognise and respect their own boundaries, they will be better able to remain calm in conflict situations.

Ideally, mum and dad are naturally balanced and reflective. Then they will be better able to keep a cool head when arguing with their offspring, take a step back and think things through: Where is my child developmentally? What is behind their behaviour? But also: To what extent does this conflict have to do with the child? To what extent with me, my own experiences as a child, with my expectations? One thing is clear: if parents feel and recognise their own limits, they are better able to remain calm in conflict situations. If, on the other hand, they are stressed and don't have enough resources to respond to the child, there is a great risk that the situation will slip away from them.

It's not for nothing that one of the most common pieces of advice given to parents is: Consciously take short breaks and lower your expectations of yourself! Parenting is stressful. For everyone. That's why a bought cake for a child's birthday party is just as good as a homemade one.

But what do we do when everything comes crashing down on us again in the turbulent everyday life, the good advice and intentions are as good as extinguished and the parent is shouting after the shouting and door-slamming offspring at a similar volume? «Then we should at least maintain mutual respect,» advises Barbara Pfeiffer. «That's the minimum requirement, so to speak - and also the best prevention against conflict. If the offspring feel like an equal part of the family, there will be fewer arguments.»

Books to read more