Your child's future is now!

For centuries, parents have tried to plan their children's future. There was a lot to worry about. To a certain extent, they held their children's individuality and future hostage. «All we want is for you to be happy!» was the parental mantra for decades. In the 21st century, the social ambitions of parents have become considerably more important. So much so that it is time to ask ourselves some fundamental and ethical questions.

What role do children play in their parents' lives - and their own? Do you simply want your child to be happy? Do you often think about your child's education and career? What are your biggest worries? What are your dreams for your child's future - and to what extent do your dreams influence your child? How important is it to you that your child grows up to be a healthy and competent person?

When the child becomes an ego project

We have to remember that having children is a very selfish project. We have children not for the sake of having children, but in the hope that they will enrich our lives. As soon as a child is born, our selfishness decreases and our interest in caring for the child increases. As parents, we often oscillate between two extremes: «You are my child and I decide!» and «My child is my life!». There are parents with a balanced attitude between these two poles.

But regardless of how a child is born and what dreams and fears parents have, there are countless things that families can do right - and even more that can be misunderstood.

Self-competence is the best protection for children - far more effective than punishments, rules or setting boundaries.

Parents want their children to be physically healthy and have good psychosocial skills by the age of 20 so that they are able to cope with themselves and others. This goal applies to all children, regardless of the circumstances and environment in which they are born. Being a self-competent being is a prerequisite for learning, both at school and in life itself. It is the optimal protection against any kind of danger or risk that the future might bring.

It is also the best way to prevent addiction, abuse, violence, eating disorders and much more. And it is far more effective than setting boundaries, imposing rules, punishing, moralising or anything else that we generally consider to be preventative measures.

Nevertheless, we are still a long way from achieving this goal. In many respects, adults and children are better off today than ever before. However, when we look at our mental and social health , things look different.

The statistics speak for themselves: abuse and addiction are on the rise, as is the number of children and young people receiving psychological treatment. The consumption of medication is alarmingly high. The dream of an affluent society that takes care of our health and quality of life has therefore turned into a nightmare. The only viable solution is therefore: personal responsibility.

The feeling that we are okay

The best possible protection to be physically and mentally healthy consists of the following parts:

• A healthy sense of self and the experience of feeling valuable to the people we love. The feeling that we are okay. We are worthy of being loved exactly as we are - here and now.
• The opportunity to live our lives to the full, to fulfil our potential to the best of our ability, intellectually, emotionally and psychologically. All of this supports our self-worth.

These qualities develop primarily within the family. It is a serious problem for today's children that their parents overload their children's free time with external stimulation. The result is children who are overstimulated by entertainment programmes. They have neither learnt nor do they know how to find their way into their innermost being - the place where unadulterated creativity lies hidden.

If parents also harbour ambitions and goals for their child's future, the following will happen. Firstly, there is a high stress factor. Basically, children can withstand more stress than adults, but only if they have learnt to relax. This means having the ability to pause and pay attention to what is happening inside. Today, this is known as «mindfulness».

But now the child thinks: «If the adults are constantly preoccupied with the next steps in my development, then I don't feel OK the way I am right now.» It is precisely this preoccupation with the child's life, career and learning process by their parents that prevents them from developing a good feeling for themselves and believing in their abilities.

However, self-esteem is a far more important defence than self-confidence, which I acquire by learning a wide range of skills. Good self-esteem is particularly important for children who, for whatever reason, feel different from others.

At the moment, children are exposed to too much education. This has a counterproductive effect.

This means that the ambitions that parents harbour for their children must ultimately fail. Or do you know anyone over 45 who says that status symbols have enriched their life, their relationships or their family life? I'm sure the answer is «no».

No matter who we ask, brain researchers, scientists who study health and well-being, humanities scholars, educationalists or developmental psychologists - they all come to the same conclusion: there is nothing wrong with setting goals or pursuing a dream.

Without having a sanctuary that the «here and now» offers the mind, body and soul, many things could go wrong. Exceptional performance requires the ability to focus on the here and now. Just as a good personal relationship requires the ability to be present and attentive.

At the moment, children are exposed to too much «education». The obvious consequence of this is that «education» is losing more and more of its influence and is becoming irrelevant, even counterproductive. Once again, children learn that they have become tools of their parents to create a public and personal image. About 50 per cent of children are subject to their parents' needs, while the other half challenge their parents. The number of children with so-called «unfounded anger» or «oppositional syndrome» is increasing.

Why do some children stand up to their parents or get angry? Because parents say to them: «If you don't do it for us, you will never become a decent human being!» This statement is an elementary declaration of distrust in a child's natural ability and desire to co-operate. And it is also an attempt to control his future. Most parents are still not interested in what children really think and what they feel. They are more interested in how children should think and feel. This weakens the child's self-esteem enormously.

Some of them develop a learned helplessness. It is as simple as it is difficult: spend a lot of time with your child - preferably without so-called «learning toys». You don't have to say anything. Sit quietly, observe and you will learn something new about your child. Don't try to teach or educate your child. Just accept it as it is and be personal. A new world will open up to you.

You are not to blame for your child's boredom.

If your child says to you: "I'm soooo bored!", don't worry. There is no need to feel guilty for your child's boredom or to stage a catalogue of events or activities, as this would be rejected anyway. Give your child a friendly smile and tell them: "Congratulations, my child, it will be exciting to see what ideas you come up with."

Boredom rarely lasts longer than 20 minutes. This is the time a person needs to detach themselves from external stimuli and connect with themselves and their own creativity. Try it yourself when you feel restless inside (this is the state that children call "bored"): Switch off your mobile phone, computer and TV and see what happens.

• When you play with your child, let your child take the initiative instead of controlling the activity.
• When you put your child to bed, talk about your day. Don't ask your child how their day was - they will tell you automatically.
• There is no need to be afraid of silence or breaks - both are good for the atmosphere. Try to feel less responsible. What you see as your responsibilities as a parent will get in the way of a real connection between you and your child. If you want to develop a personal relationship, you need to show yourself to the child, reveal
  yourself and be vulnerable.

Every minute and every hour that you relate to your child in this way will strengthen their emotional and physical protection. As a result, you don't have to worry about the future because you are building a healthy relationship between you. It will do you both good - much better than any preventative measure you can think of.

In collaboration with familylab.ch