Andrea*, 39, is a teacher and lives with her husband and two sons (aged 8 and 6) in the canton of Thurgau.
If I could change one thing about my childhood, it would be the explosive atmosphere at home. You had to walk on eggshells around the men in the household. Even small things like a spilled glass would send my father into a rage. Then there would be shouting, and sometimes he would throw objects at us children.
My brother, who is three years older than me, was already displaying aggressive behaviour as a toddler. Things got really bad during puberty. He was constantly irritable, as if he were looking for a reason to lose his temper. He often got into physical fights in the playground.
My mother and I were physically inferior and couldn't possibly defend ourselves.
Things weren't any better at home. If he didn't like the food, he would shout at our mother or snatch the ladle out of her hand. If I wanted to choose what to watch on TV, he would stand in front of me or push me against the wall. Sometimes he would chase me around the flat just to put me in a headlock, and he thought it was funny. Once, because of some trivial matter, he pushed my head into the toilet bowl in a fit of rage.
My mother and I were physically inferior and couldn't possibly defend ourselves. My father was able to assert himself and did so, but he was rarely there to protect us.
My mother often cried. I saw the same panic in her eyes as I saw in mine. My parents went to parenting counselling and took my brother to a psychologist, but they were told that boys just wanted to fight and roughhouse. We were so alone. No one ever asked me what it was like as a sibling. That would have been so important! I felt constantly tense, didn't want to attract any extra attention, just wanted to be quiet, hard-working and unproblematic.
For a long time, anger was such a repulsive feeling for me that I swore I would never become like that. Today, I have children of my own and I can see how these experiences continue to have an impact. I first had to learn to accept anger as something normal for myself and my children. That's difficult when this feeling has meant nothing but threat and destruction for so long!
None of my children should have to endure the fears I experienced.
At first, I had to keep telling myself: «You have a right to get angry sometimes. It's only human.» When my boys freak out, I try to breathe calmly and remind myself that I am safe here and now, that nothing bad can happen and that it is not a matter of life and death. That calms me down. And yet, when the children argue, I sometimes intervene too quickly to prevent it from turning physical.
One thing is clear to me: none of my children should have to go through the fears I experienced. No one should be afraid of another family member! Home must be a place where you can feel safe.
* Name known to the editorial team
