Why time out is so important for mums
My suitcase is packed, it's light and small and just for me. I'm travelling to Milan for a weekend with a friend, just like that. To relax. I'm already looking forward to the trip like a child - instead of Uno and Rummy Cup, I have a good book and a notepad in my luggage.
I look forward to sleeping in, having long conversations without interruption and sitting down at a laid table. I can do that occasionally at home, but I usually get up several times or put the dishes in the washing machine afterwards. I take little breaks from the family and from everyday life every now and then - because I really need them.
Time for yourself
I realised once again how important these moments are for my salvation when I received an email a few days ago from a younger friend who has small children and is now starting to work again.
She writes that she is currently trying to master the balancing act of «going back to work as well as being a mum». This is followed by a sentence that upset me: «Sometimes I think I'm selfish when I struggle because I hardly have any time for myself.»
I remember feeling the same way when my three sons were little. I hired a babysitter during the day so that I could just sit in a bookshop for a few hours, read and switch off. This short break was my highlight of the week, I came home feeling balanced and looking forward to seeing my children.
After more than 20 years of experience, I know that every now and then I need a real break from everyday family life. Initially, I felt guilty about this and I would give a lot if Franziska Schutzbach 's book «Die Erschöpfung der Frauen - Wider die weibliche Verfügbarkeit» (2021) had been published when my children were small.
Around 75 per cent of care work in families and households is carried out by women. That is exhaustive.
The book not only shows why we women are often exhausted by everyday life, but also makes it clear that our exhaustion is not a personal weakness, but the result of current social structures.
Women still do most of the so-called care work worldwide and, of course, also in Switzerland. This is also the case in my private life: even if the partners help out, look after the children, cook or mow the lawn, the mental load is mainly on the women.
Women work «double shifts»
For example, my husband and I both work from home on different days. When he's at home, he cooks for our daughter at lunchtime. He often calls me around 12.30 pm and says: «I've made her favourite sauce» or «I've just been shopping».
He means well and wants to let me know that everything is going well. But every time I get these messages, I'm torn away from my work, I can visualise the full shopping trolley in front of me and it takes me a little while to get away from the lunch table at home, which I didn't even want to think about that day.
At times like these, I feel like I'm the contact person for everything, no matter where I am. I also get WhatsApp messages from my sons in the office from time to time asking: «Where are my shin pads?» or «When do I have to go to the dentist again?».
This permanent availability is exhausting. Around 75 per cent of care work in families and households is still carried out by women - despite them working at the same time.
Many women therefore work «double shifts», as Franziska Schutzbach writes: at work during the day and at home after work. After the children are in bed, they do the laundry, order presents for birthday parties, organise running groups for the children or make phone calls to their own parents.
A weekly plan as a solution?
Recently, my 21-year-old son gave me a weekly schedule for the kitchen wall, on which I can write down different household tasks every day and delegate them to other family members. He clearly feels that the household chores are not divided up fairly in our house.
I have stopped justifying myself when I ask for time for myself.
In fact, I often do things quickly. It usually seems easier than asking my husband and children to do something, then checking that it's actually been done and reminding them again.
The new plan could be the solution if it is clearly visible. After all, if activities such as «put the green bin outside the door» or «hoover» are recorded there, everyone in the family should know what needs to be done and when.
Delegating also means giving upcontrol
I have stopped justifying myself when I demand time for myself. This «me-time» is important because our constant mental availability means that we women only get a few breaks and there is (too) little time for ourselves - as the young mum writes in the email to me.
It is also up to us mums to change this. We should shed our guilty conscience when we delegate housework and childcare to our partners and demand more of them. The trick is to really let go and not check whether everything is going exactly as you imagined - because that is frustrating for both sides.
Delegating means creating freedom and giving the other person the confidence that they can do the job.
Delegating means handing over tasks and responsibilities to others. Creating space for yourself and giving the other person the confidence that they can complete the task. In this way, a truly equal division of labour can succeed and be satisfying for all sides.
I still have room for improvement here and hope for the support of the weekly planner. I write «Off» in the boxes for the coming weekend. I pack my suitcase and don't doubt for a second that everything will run smoothly at home without me - while I take a little break and recharge my batteries for family life.
