«What's the magic word?»
A cosy afternoon at the adventure pool. Three pre-school children run from the water slide to the towel store, chase each other with the water pistol and eventually get hungry. As soon as the nuts, corn pops and carrot slices they brought along are ready, they all pounce on them. But only for a brief moment. Then a stern voice asks: «How do you say that?» The girl to whom the question is directed is startled - and takes her fingers out of the strange Tupperware.
The atmosphere, which had just been exuberant, is suddenly tense. My partner and I slide back and forth, embarrassed. While the other parents are obviously concerned that their little daughter only continues to eat if she has said please beforehand and thank you afterwards, we don't really care about these formalities. What's more, we think it's much nicer when the children obliviously stuff their faces with corn pops.
Why should children, as soon as they can speak, recite words whose meaning they barely understand?
But what do you say? «It's not that important to us» or «Just let the child eat»? Both difficult. So we don't say anything - just like the girl who, after a mumbled «thank you», disappears into a hot tub.
Over the next few days, we'll be talking about this again and again. Why are these rules of politeness so important to many parents? Why should children, as soon as they can speak, recite words whose meaning they barely understand? And from what age is it appropriate to follow some basic rules of socialising?
There is only either-or
There are countless texts on the subject on the internet. It is a perennial favourite in parenting - from language acquisition to well into teenage years. And that's not all: it's one of those topics that immediately divides parents into two camps. Some swap tricks on how to ask the «magic word» question in public and compare the age at which they should ignore their children's requests if they come without a polite formula. The others reject the «please-thank-you» obligation in principle.
Emeritus professor and educationalist Margrit Stamm has even observed that political battles are being fought over this issue. There is a faction that is trying to turn their children into «perfect beings» who behave «almost like robots» in the way that is expected of them - and another that ridicules forms of politeness as «old-fashioned» or «backward-looking».
Parents are judged by their children even more than before: If the child is cheeky, the parents have failed.
However, despite the controversial nature of the topic, almost all parents want their children to observe polite behaviour. «Even those parents who believe in voluntary behaviour naturally think about how they can get their child to say hello and thank you on the street,» says the parenting expert.
«Parents are judged by whether their child is easy to care for and friendly.» In other words: if the child is naughty, the parents have failed. Margrit Stamm believes that this inference is even stronger today than it was twenty or thirty years ago, when parenting was more of a side issue.
If you read through articles, forums or blog posts, it is striking: Although parents who raise their children in a needs-oriented way emphasise that they do not demand «please» or «thank you» from their children, they often report that their little ones show the desired behaviour «all by themselves». One mother writes: «Now, at almost three years old, he is the most polite child in the world, both at home and among strangers, without us ever having demanded it of him.» Whether this is always true is at least questionable.
Even babies practise imitating their parents' speech melody, tone of voice and rhythm.
Claudia Roebers, developmental psychologist
A question of development
Developmental psychologist Claudia Roebers emphasises that only schoolchildren are able to understand and apply the meaning of complex forms of communication. Toddlers, on the other hand, often form two-word sentences. These sometimes sound like commands: «Daddy away, mummy bread.» - «But that's not how they are meant,» says Claudia Roebers, who teaches and researches as a professor at the University of Bern.
Nevertheless, some parents feel uncomfortable about it. At least when others are around. This is because as soon as children can speak, some adults expect them to do so politely and in complete sentences - an excessive demand. «Linguistic competence develops over many years,» says the psychologist. In infancy, it is initially about articulating needs and being understood.
But something known as prosodic competence begins much earlier. «Even babies practise imitating speech melody, tone and rhythm,» says Claudia Roebers. «They imitate their parents' tone of voice» - and often already understand the most important part of the spoken word.
We all know that: Just because it contains a «please» doesn't mean a sentence has to be friendly. Claudia Roebers describes how children who experience the most diverse language environment possible quickly begin to experiment with melody - and: «If a child says «Papiiii ... chocolate?», for example, then there is a lot of «please» in this sentence - even without it being spoken.»
Values instead of empty phrases
With schoolchildren and teenagers, it is then a matter of conveying values. Annette Cina, who works as a psychotherapist in Freiburg, advocates open conversations about respect and politeness. «The better the child understands the meaning of certain forms of politeness, the better the chances are that they will also use them - and perhaps even understand that it serves a certain self-interest if others perceive it as polite.» For Cina, it is particularly eye contact and recognising others that parents can use to motivate schoolchildren.
If you want your own children to be polite, you first need to take an honest look in the mirror.
Margrit Stamm also believes: «It is an important task for fathers and mothers to teach how to categorise and behave in social situations.» She personally finds it very annoying when children and young people in the neighbourhood don't say hello, even though they naturally know each other. «I find it impossible to look in the other direction and simply walk past,» says the educationalist.
One reason for this could also be a certain overprotection, Stamm suspects - specifically: «Many parents act as shields for their children in public. They then say thank you and please for them - or start to apologise, along the lines of: He's just a little shy.»
Stamm believes that children need space to try things out in order to learn how to interact with others in an authentic and respectful way. This is the only way to feel what reaction a certain behaviour produces. However, this requires parents who can put up with it when things don't work out and the child attracts negative attention.
«The way the parents talk is the way the child talks»
Ultimately, it is questionable how much good the well-intentioned admonitions do anyway. Developmental psychologists assume that a lot of language acquisition - similar to motor development - happens automatically. However, so-called model learning can also be a challenge for parents. Developmental psychologist Claudia Roebers puts it in a nutshell: «The way parents talk is the way children talk.»
So if you want your own children to be polite, you first need to take an honest look in the mirror - and ask yourself what values you exemplify yourself. Do you treat other people with consideration? Does the child experience how you bark orders into the phone or order others around? Does the child realise that some forms of politeness are just an act? That you say please and thank you from time to time - and actually mean something completely different? And what tone do you use when talking to your child? Do you ask them to come with you or do you simply say: «We're off now»? Does the child ever hear a thank you?
These questions are often not particularly convenient. It's easier to demand polite behaviour out loud. It signals that you know what is appropriate - and, of course, that you take your parenting role seriously. Nevertheless, psychotherapist Annette Cina advises against it.
«Exposing children in public is not a good idea - they only feel ashamed and become shy.» The result is often the opposite of what is desired. This is the view of almost all experts. Even those who give practical tips on how to get your children to say the coveted words as quickly as possible advise discretion and whispering.
Independent forms are important
And yet there are hardly any parents who have never uttered the reflexive «How do you say that?». After all, most of them have heard this phrase a hundred times in their own childhood.
However, this memory is usually accompanied by a rather oppressive feeling. Saying please and thank you on command didn't feel particularly good. Perhaps also because these adult formulas left no room for expressing joy or gratitude. Because they exist too. Be it the crushed leaf that a two-year-old hands you as a gift in return, or the appreciative «You're right» that a twelve-year-old casually slips over to you.
For Claudia Roebers, these independent forms of gratitude and respect are particularly important: «We should move away from the idea that you can only say please or thank you with words.» She therefore advocates prioritising honesty and authenticity when in doubt.
So much for the theory. Claudia Roebers also knows the feeling that she would not only have liked a hug from her children, but also a thank you. Sometimes it goes better, sometimes a little harder, depending on the situation. But she tries to be patient. «It's working quite well with my older one at the moment, but it's a bit more difficult with the younger one.» How old are her children? Claudia Roebers laughs. «They are 25 and 22 years old.»
We would also like to have a similarly relaxed approach. But how do we behave in the meantime when we once again find ourselves in an adventure pool situation? When the mood changes somewhere because things can't go any further without a magic word? We have resolved to be honest - and to say, for example, that we don't need «please» and «thank you» at this point. If you say it very, very politely, nobody should actually be angry with you.
