Ms Ambauen, as parents, we often pass on our own influences unconsciously. How can we identify our own influences?
By observing yourself, recognising patterns and understanding your beliefs.
What are beliefs?
These are beliefs that guide our thoughts and actions. When we are young, we primarily observe how others behave in our family of origin. Children notice what they are praised or punished for, when their caregivers are proud of them and in which situations they react with disappointment. They register that there is right and wrong behaviour in their system and unconsciously store beliefs. Some beliefs are helpful, while others complicate our relationships later on.
What might such beliefs be?
Phrases such as «There's always a solution,» «There's more than one perspective,» or «Let's sleep on it» can be empowering. Less helpful are «I'm only valuable if I perform well» or «I'm not worthy of being loved.»
Does every person have helpful and less helpful beliefs?
Yes, but to varying degrees. There are people who can draw on 80 per cent positive beliefs, and others who have internalised 80 per cent of statements that block them. That is a completely different starting point. Positive beliefs help us to stay mentally healthy. Too many or too strong negative beliefs will eventually make us ill.
Under pressure, parents often react in the same way they experienced as children.
How are impressions created?
Positive impressions arise from experiences that were beneficial to us as children. It is helpful when our basic needs were recognised and taken into account, when there was room for our feelings, when healthy boundaries were maintained and our self-esteem was strengthened in the process. Negative patterns arise when the child's basic emotional needs were not met.
What are the chances of successfully freeing oneself from negative influences in adulthood?
In my experience, there is a very good chance that unhelpful patterns can at least be mitigated if you want to and are willing to work on them. How successful you are depends on many factors. The more serious the influences are – for example, trauma or attachment disorders – the more persistent they are.
Being in difficult circumstances is also not a good prerequisite for working on patterns. If you have lost your job or are in a stressful relationship, you have few psychological resources. The first step in therapy is therefore often not analysis, but energy and tension management. However, you do not necessarily need therapy to free yourself from your conditioning.
Why is it worthwhile to become aware of one's own heritage?
Because we only really understand many things once we know how we acquired them. It also helps many people to be more accepting of their own limitations as parents. When you understand how you became the person you are, you can sometimes take a step back and be more relaxed as a mother or father. Many people come to me for therapy when they become parents.
The foundations of our character are laid in the first ten years of life. Everything else builds on that.
What happens to your own coping mechanisms when you become a mother or father?
Becoming parents suddenly activates all our experiences and fears related to attachment. Under pressure, we often react in the same way we experienced and learned from our attachment figures in childhood.
Is that automatic?
Yes. When we are under extreme stress, we are no longer able to react in any way other than our established patterns dictate. This can be explained in terms of brain physiology: under severe stress, the prefrontal cortex is impaired in its function, making it difficult to think clearly and make rational decisions. When we are in this red zone, there is no point in even trying to communicate constructively.
Do you have to deal with your childhood? You could also say: I recognise the pattern and want to change it, even without knowing where it comes from.
That works too. You don't necessarily have to know how the pattern came about in order to change it. However, in my experience, the motivation to change sometimes only really comes when you understand where a behaviour that bothers you comes from. When I notice that I am repeating the negative pattern I experienced with my father, it perhaps makes even more sense to get to the bottom of the matter.
We are talking here about the influence of growing up – what about what comes after that?
The first ten years of life are very important because this is when the foundations of our character are laid. Everything else builds on this.
Children do not need perfect parents – that just gives them another set of beliefs to hold onto.
How can I prevent my child from having to work through their childhood in therapy later on?
Apart from the fact that therapy is not a bad thing, we cannot prevent it and do not need to. Parents should worry less about passing on negative and difficult traits to their children. Children do not need perfect parents – that just gives them another set of beliefs to hold onto.
What do parents have control over, and what don't they?
We parents greatly overestimate our influence. We cannot control everything. If a child is bullied at school , it doesn't matter how supportive you are at home. Even if you are affected by poverty, have a child with a disability or are confronted with racism, a huge proportion of negative influences come from outside the home.
The values held by society play a role. As parents, we should be a safe haven, a buffer against the difficult experiences in the world, an emotional home. If parents want to understand their patterns, take good care of themselves, appreciate their children and be sufficiently attentive to their needs, then they have done what they need to do as parents.
