«The two must also find their own solutions»
Linda, 39, Event Management Clerk, and Patric Thomann, 40, Kitchen Planning Project Manager, live with their two sons in Boll BE. Jealousy between Liam, 6, and Robin, 4, quickly leads to fisticuffs. The mum says that the parents do their best not to intervene too quickly.
"Liam, our older son, is very, very temperamental. This is particularly evident in his low frustration tolerance and impulse control. Depending on how tired he is and his mood on the day, he can quickly become physical during rivalry fights.
Since Robin has reached an age where he is really a competitor and can break things or take toys away from his older brother, there are more frequent rivalry fights.
Another topic is «mummy time», which sometimes comes up a little short with Liam. Although he is six years old, he can't put this feeling into words. He can't say: «Mummy, I need time with you now». Instead, he just gets angry with himself or messes around and scares Robin, trying to scare him.
My older son scares the younger one and tries to scare him. That makes me totally angry on the spur of the moment.
That makes me totally angry on the spur of the moment. Of course, my husband and I sometimes say: «Stop it now!» But I'm slowly beginning to understand his behaviour and what he's actually trying to say. He feels alone, he's tired, he wants attention. Patric and I have now found a way that works quite well. Liam loves playing cards or board games. If one of us suggests it to him, he joins in straight away! Of course, you need the capacity for that. There are almost always two of us in the evenings. We don't both work full-time either: I work 60 per cent, Patric has an 80 per cent job and does a daddy day. That's very helpful. We complement each other and can also take turns when one of us has run out of steam. But of course we don't always manage that!
When I notice that the two of them are fighting, it's a balancing act to recognise when I should intervene. If the two of them are fighting violently, I act immediately. But I generally want the two of them to learn to find solutions on their own. It's no longer the case that the big one always hits first. So I try to stay out of it until I get the feeling that it's tipping over and getting too rough.
For example, if I'm in the next room and hear that it's getting loud, I go there a little later and ask something like «Do you need my help?». That helps quite well because they then work out for themselves what's going on. Sometimes they actually say: «Yes.» And then we try to find out together what it's actually about. Understanding sometimes helps to resolve the rivalry."
