What should you do if your daughter is introverted and jealous?

Cornelia's 13-year-old daughter is very introverted and only ever clings to one friend. If this friend also meets up with others, she reacts extremely jealously. That's what our team of experts says.

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One question - three opinions

My daughter, 13, has a massive jealousy problem. She cut off contact with her best friend after she started seeing other girls. Doing things together as a threesome is also not an option. She is very introverted and only ever clings to one person. My daughter doesn't want to seek psychological help. All the talking is useless, I don't know what to do.

Cornelia, 39, Root LU

This is what our team of experts says:

Annette Cina
Friendships often change quickly at this age. Over time, you learn that you don't have to lose a friend if they are seeing someone else. There's not much you can do. Except: listen. Point out what happens when you break things off because the other person doesn't do what you want. Show your daughter ways in which she can still socialise. Look out for opportunities for her to socialise with others. Motivate her to socialise, confirm her strengths. In conjunction with the hope that over time your daughter will find the self-confidence and trust that she is an interesting person for others.
Peter Schneider
Jealousy is a passion that eagerly seeks what creates suffering (Grillparzer) - and usually creates it (Schneider). When your daughter talks about it, explain to her with angelic tongues that she is plunging herself into misery with this attitude and that a girlfriend is a girlfriend even if she has other girlfriends. If she slowly realises this, the first great love will come and the drama will start all over again. Unless, of course, your daughter has become an enthusiastic supporter of the concept of polyamory as a result of your comments and would rather bite her tongue off than continue to be jealous. (Does the child have siblings against whom she feels disadvantaged?)
Nicole Althaus
I'm just wondering whether it's actually jealousy that your daughter is showing with her behaviour, or rather the fear of being lost in a group of three. I'm sure many people can understand this fear, because group dynamics are often difficult, especially for introverts. Encourage your daughter to keep in touch with her friend and to socialise with other girls or boys in or outside of class. This doesn't have to happen in groups. And: Take her away for a few days on her own. You can't force conversations, they happen when you share experiences.


The team of experts:

  • Annette Cina, 51, works at the Institute for Family Research and Counselling at the University of Freiburg. In her own practice, the psychologist, psychotherapist and mother of three counsels young people and adults. Her research focuses on the prevention of child behavioural disorders, couple conflicts, parenting and stress.
  • Peter Schneider, 66, is a psychoanalyst, columnist and satirist. He used to be a professor of educational and developmental psychology at the University of Bremen and is still a private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich. Father and husband of an adult son and an adult wife from and in his first marriage.
  • Nicole Althaus, 54, is editor-in-chief of magazines and a member of the editorial board of «NZZ am Sonntag», columnist and author. She initiated the mum blog on tagesanzeiger.ch and was editor-in-chief of «Wir Eltern». Nicole Althaus is the mother of two grown-up children.
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