My daughter is so ungrateful!
Marcel's 12-year-old daughter rarely says thank you for gifts or support in everyday life. Should a child be grateful to their parents - or should parental involvement be taken for granted? That's what our team of experts says.
One question - three opinions
Our daughter is 12 years old and very ungrateful. She rarely says thank you when I give her something, such as a T-shirt or trainers. And she doesn't say a word when I cook a nice meal or help her with her homework. If I ask her about it, she says: 'What do you expect? You're my father, that goes without saying. Do children have to be grateful to their parents for nothing?
Marcel, 40, Höri ZH
That's what our team of experts says:
Gratitude is not an obligation. But showing appreciation for what you have received gives value to the other person. Ingratitude, on the other hand, reveals a feeling of being taken for granted, as if you are entitled to everything. Decency and gratitude can be learnt and enrich a life together considerably. Since reprimands and criticism are closed off: Tell your daughter - without reproach - that you are disappointed if nothing comes back in return for your commitment. Teenagers are often not in a position to admit a mistake immediately, but they will hear your words and can think about them. And: set a good example yourself.
As a mother of apparently also very ungrateful children and as a former very ungrateful child, I console myself with the thought that my children will be very grateful one day. Namely when they are parents themselves and realise how much of a hassle it all is. Seriously, the children already appreciate us. The gratitude comes in a different form - not in words, but packaged in their trust in us, that they can be themselves at home, don't have to fulfil any expectations, don't have to play a role. The expectation that children always say thank you is an old belief. It can go.
As voluntariness is part of the concept of gratitude, nobody has to be grateful. But it doesn't hurt to learn how to make life easier for yourself and others with a few words of thanks. However, from my many years of experience as a psychoanalyst, I can tell you that gratitude is a difficult issue for adults too. Because gratitude is always associated with feelings of dependency and guilt. Seen in this light, your daughter's response to your reminder to be grateful is almost evidence of an almost heartfelt basic trust in your affection.
The team of experts:
- Annette Cina, 52, works at the Institute for Family Research and Counselling at the University of Freiburg. In her own practice, the psychologist, psychotherapist and mother of three counsels young people and adults. Her research focuses on the prevention of child behavioural disorders, couple conflicts, parenting and stress.
- Andrea Jansen, 44, is the founder of the parenting platform Mal-ehrlich.ch. The journalist, entrepreneur and foundation board member was previously a television presenter and producer at SRF. Andrea Jansen has three children aged 7, 9 and 11. She lives with her family in Hawaii and Zurich.
- Peter Schneider, 67, is a psychoanalyst and author. He was Professor of Developmental and Educational Psychology at the University of Bremen from 2014 to 2017 and has been a private lecturer in Clinical Psychology at the University of Zurich since 2014. Peter Schneider is the father of an adult son and lives with his wife in Zurich.
