«It's normal for children to compete with each other»

Mrs Nef, a friendship is a self-chosen bond. Nevertheless, we sometimes slip into rivalry in friendships. This happens particularly often to teenagers. Why is that?

As adults, we think that rivalry between teenagers is best avoided. But the reality is quite different. This is an age when friendships don't necessarily last very long. In this phase of finding your identity, it doesn't take much to shake up a friendship. Jealousy can play a role, first sexual experiences can be made, interests can suddenly change.

A teenage friendship is therefore a relatively fragile structure.

Exactly. There are countless things that jeopardise this connection. You're constantly comparing yourself during this time: Maybe your girlfriend or boyfriend has something that you long for yourself - better academic performance, for example, a more casual demeanour or simply bigger or smaller breasts. All of this can play a role and put pressure on you.

Do boys actually rival more openly than girls?

Yes, they do it more clearly. If there is a power struggle, those around them quickly realise it. This is also natural for boys to a certain extent, anchored in evolutionary biology, so to speak: this was the behaviour that ensured survival for a very long time. With boys at this age, there is also a lot of playful behaviour, this physical measuring, rubbing against each other, also feeling each other. These are verbal, but also physical confrontations that are completely normal and quickly forgotten. It's more subtle with girls, they start whispering and scheming. They also work quickly with social exclusion, the friendship is cancelled. It's all about positioning. This is often not even noticeable to the outside world.

Are the girls also fighting for a good position?

Girls are often afraid of losing their relationship with others. That plays a big role. A new girl might suddenly turn up who is cooler or braver than you, and the fear is already there: «I'll lose my girlfriend to her». Another issue is romantic relationships. Maybe one girlfriend is in a relationship and the other isn't. This creates competition. Or the girlfriend is suddenly no longer important because you are now in love.

Are there situations in which parents should intervene, regardless of whether their own child is the inferior or the one in the more powerful position?

If a child slips into the role of victim or is suppressed in the group, you should listen carefully: How far does it go? Is someone's personal integrity being harmed? Then you can react accordingly or intervene to calm them down. If verbal or physical violence is involved, action should be taken immediately. Nevertheless, as adults we should realise and educate our children that it is somewhat normal to compete with each other. Competition also helps children to improve themselves. You discover where you want to go through these comparisons. Healthy competitiveness is actually a skill that we need in order to survive.

Don't have any expectations of your child. Signal to him: You're right just the way you are. You are okay.

What influences the level of competition in peer groups?

The extent to which I engage in such rivalries as a young person has a lot to do with my early childhood. What values were practised at home? What recognition did the child receive? Was there a lot of performance appraisal at home? Ultimately, everything leads to self-esteem. If this is based on good foundations, I don't have to compare myself or compete as much. Then a child knows that they are accepted and loved for who they are. They can then set themselves apart better and decide: «I don't have to take part in this.»

How do we strengthen our children's self-esteem in this respect?

By showing our children that we have no expectations of them. That sounds easier than it is. We all have certain expectations of our children, for example that they should be like us or not. I also found myself doing this with my daughter: she really is different to how I imagined her. I had to learn to see and respect my daughter's uniqueness. I am glad that I embraced this and didn't try to mould her. I endeavoured to strengthen her very own nature, which she brings with her. If you experience this in early childhood, you have a good basis for dealing with competitive issues later on.

So how should you behave as a mum or dad in competitive fights?

Signal to your child with a good dose of composure: «The way you are is the right way for you. You're okay.» Parents can have an open ear and show that they appreciate it when the child confides in them. They can also use the child's questions as an opportunity to have a dialogue.

Younger children may not even be able to verbalise their negative feelings and competition with a friend.

For younger children, parents have to act as a kind of translator. Sometimes it is already difficult for us adults to cognitively grasp and verbalise emotions. For younger children, it is important that their parents recognise and express anger at a friend or grief over an argument. Children then learn that these feelings are okay and that they can deal with them.

But teenagers also often find it impossible to address their jealousy or quarrels in friendships. This requires a high level of social competence and emotional intelligence. Here, too, it is the task of parents and educators outside the home to be attentive, have an open ear and offer the space to clarify things.

How can organisations such as schools or associations create an appropriate climate of trust?

It is very important that the management generally takes a clear position on respectful behaviour and advocates equality. This can be achieved by specifically promoting values other than the idea of competition: Personal responsibility and a willingness to help, for example. One effective method for this is the system of school mentors, the Götti-Gotti principle. Older pupils support younger ones, but in return are also open to being guided by the younger children. This teaches responsibility, team spirit and trust. This creates a climate in which rivalry is not so important.