5 Conflicts and how parents can set sensible boundaries here
1. «I want too!» - Jealousy between siblings
The six-year-old is inconsolable. Her big sister is allowed out the door for an hour with her friends after dinner - and she is not. «I want to too!» the girl shouts.
The parents know: If «the little one» goes out too, it will be late and the child will be tired the next day. But all of the parents' justifications - tomorrow is school, the sister is four years older - don't help. The girl runs riot and marches purposefully towards the front door.
Sarah Zanoni: Jealousy between siblings is the fear of getting less of something than the other child. No matter what it's about: attention, media time, sweets - siblings almost always compare themselves.
Here, the younger one wants the same rights as the older one. It is important to insist on the difference (in this case: age) and to communicate this calmly, confidently and clearly to the younger one: No, you can't go out because it's too late for you.
The child's frustration will subside more quickly the clearer the parents are about something.
When you are ten years old, you will also be allowed to go outside at this time. The more consistent and clear the parents are in this matter, the quicker the six-year-old's frustration will subside.
2. «I'll do my homework with my boyfriend» - empty promises
«Hi Dad, I'm going to see Yuri,» calls nine-year-old Henry as he comes home from school in the afternoon. «I'm going to do my homework with him.» His rucksack flies into the corner and the door slams shut behind him.
When his father looks out of the window an hour later, he sees the boys playing football in the neighbouring meadow. When Henry comes home for dinner, he is tired but happy. He hasn't done his homework. As is so often the case. This annoys his parents. But when they try to make Juri do his homework straight after school, they are met with resistance.
Zanoni: The parents should confront Henry about his cheating. I would refrain from punishing Henry. His behaviour has a cause: why is it so difficult for him to do his homework? The aim should be for Henry to be able to connect with school in a positive way instead of with frustration and stress.
This can be achieved by concluding a small contract with Henry: He must have completed the tasks before 8 pm, but he decides exactly when. He can set a timer for short working times. After a ten-minute break, he should work on another sequence. This method works well because it fulfils Henry's need for autonomy. If Henry honours the contract, the parents should comment on this with words of appreciation.
3. «Stay here, Mum!» - the child doesn't give parents any time for themselves
«Mum, will you come here», «Mum, I'm thirsty», «Mum, I want to go to Carla's, will you take me?» - her two children, aged four and six, keep 39-year-old Katja very busy. She hardly has any time for herself, but now she wants to go to the gym once a week in the evening.
Only those who look well at themselves can also look well at others.
She has already had to cancel twice because the four-year-old wouldn't let her go. As soon as his mother wants to say goodbye, he starts screaming, runs after her and clings to her. The father can do nothing. The boy only calms down when Katja promises to stay. «He's still so little,» she says to herself - and is frustrated.
Zanoni: A mother's desire for more time for herself is understandable and healthy. Only those who look well to themselves can look well to others. But not every child can detach themselves from their closest carer at an early age. Therefore, the mother should not force her «free time». She should keep a close eye on when she leaves the house: if the time falls at a time of day when her son is already tired, hungry or fussy, this would be unfavourable.
You can practise short separations at a different time of day and make them something normal. Perhaps at the weekend during the day when dad is free or the grandparents can help out. If this works well, you can gradually extend these separation phases and mum can stay away for evening sports at some point. The child often no longer has a problem after the first moment of separation - as long as a trusted carer is with them.
4. «Just for a moment» - the child does not keep to media times
«Just a moment!» is something twelve-year-old Kai's parents hear all the time. In his free time, he loves playing computer games. Things are going quite well at school and Kai is also well integrated into his football club. Nevertheless, his parents endeavour to limit his computer time. They have agreed with Kai on two hours a day. Once this is up, Kai still doesn't want to stop.
Zanoni : Setting limits on media use is one of the most common annoyances in everyday family life today. Boys and girls forget everything around them when they are having fun on their electronic devices. It is important to discuss with your child in advance when and for how long they can go online and what they are allowed to do. Nevertheless, many children will become stressed if their parents tell them to switch off.
Often, the only thing that helps is to follow logical consequences: the time the child spends on the device is less the next day. Of course, there will be discussions, tears, anger or begging - but most children learn quickly if they don't get away with it.
5. «Leave me alone!» - The teenager does what she wants
Chiara is 14 and already feels quite grown up. She has hardly asked her parents for permission recently and often spends her evenings «outside». She doesn't tell her parents what she does there. Chiara smells of tobacco and her mother finds an empty cigarette box in Chiara's sports bag. When asked about this, Chiara totally freaks out.
Zanoni: Chiara is going through puberty - the time of finding one's identity, which for most young people is accompanied by a lot of uncertainty and stress. She has to find out for herself who Chiara wants to be. And she does this by socialising with other young people. Unfortunately, trying out addictive substances such as tobacco, alcohol or drugs is part of the process.
Her parents should not reproach or forbid her, as this would only push Chiara away from them. It is much more about strengthening the relationship and trust. The mother or father should show their daughter understanding and interest in her world. The more neutral they are about smoking, the less Chiara will have to maintain smoking as a resistance and provocation.
It would be good to agree with Chiara that she informs her mum and dad where she is going in the evening. And to set a time with her when she will come home. The parents would do well to show Chiara that they will always be there for their daughter when she needs them - no matter what happens. There is a good chance that Chiara will trust her parents more in this way.
