«Stress shortens the fuse»
For office manager Jolanda Paganoni Zurbrügg, 37, from Frutigen BE, relationships are more important than education. Her husband, plumbing contractor Tobias Zurbrügg, 41, doesn't always see it that way. They agree that in challenging moments with Jay, 5, Yair, 3, and Lioba, 18 months, it is more helpful to seek access to the child than to get loud.
Jolanda: «For me, non-violent parenting means treating children as equals - not making decisions over their heads, but listening to them, giving them a say and accepting their feelings. I sometimes fail to do this in stressful situations. I recently went shopping with all three of them. Jay wanted a toy, I didn't buy it, he cried and at some point I got annoyed and told him to stop crying. The other day the boys were arguing incessantly. I exclaimed: 'Now I'm leaving! I'm impulsive and emotional, that's okay. But that's no reason to give verbal slaps in the face.»
Tobias: «I'm the quiet type. The children taught me about my other side: If I can't be heard for the umpteenth time, I can shout sometimes. That tends to happen when I'm under pressure at work.»
Jolanda: «Stress shortens the fuse. That also applies to rigid ideas about how things should be done. If I manage to overcome them, it's a win-win situation for everyone. Recently, for example, Jay was unhappy at dinner and my first impulse was to snap at him and tell him not to make a fuss. But when I asked him calmly, it quickly became clear what he needed: he just wanted his cheese hotter. Beliefs about how children should behave are stumbling blocks for the relationship. Back then, we were forced to always say thank you, shake hands and so on. I don't want to teach my children these things through coercion, I want to be a role model.»
Decency is important to me. I don't want people to think that our children are ill-mannered.
Tobias: «Decency is important to me. I don't want people to think they're ill-mannered - because, let's be honest, that's what I think of children who don't say thank you. That's because of the way I was brought up. I was brought up in an authoritarian way. What my parents said was what counted, and I was sometimes spanked for serious offences. Did this do me any harm? From my point of view, I turned out quite well. At the same time, I never questioned a lot of things. I would never consider hitting my children. Nevertheless, many new-fangled parenting approaches sounded like wishy-washy to me at first. Then I realised that it is much more helpful in the long term to seek access to the child instead of trying to deal with difficult moments by speaking up.»
Jolanda: «If it happens anyway, I'll let the child know afterwards: I'm sorry that I got loud. That wasn't good.»
Tobias: «I sometimes apologise. I often take the child to one side and explain why I reacted the way I did.»
Jolanda: «But I also have to remind myself from time to time that our children have a loving home and that it won't immediately shatter our relationship if we parents don't behave in an exemplary manner.»
Tobias: «I sometimes apologise. I often take the child to one side and explain why I reacted the way I did.»
Jolanda: «But I also have to remind myself from time to time that our children have a loving home and that it won't immediately shatter our relationship if we parents don't behave in an exemplary manner.»
