«The children suffer from our arguments.»

Mother: Good evening. I don't know what to do anymore. My husband and I had another big argument at dinner earlier. The children heard everything. Our son went to his room and our daughter shouted at her father. I can't take it anymore.

Advisor: Good evening. We would be happy to discuss your situation. Could you tell me a little more about it?

Mother: My husband is hardly ever at home, he cares less and less about the family. This often leads to conflicts. The atmosphere is terrible. It's been like this for a long time and it's getting worse. I feel that the children are suffering. They are 10 and 12 years old. I don't want it to be like this anymore.

Counsellor: I can understand why this situation is bothering you. It's brave of you to want to take a closer look to find out how you can change things.

Our son is becoming increasingly withdrawn and our daughter often gets angry.

Mother

Mother: I feel like I don't know anymore whether I can or want to stay in this relationship. I don't want our conflicts to harm the children. These are thoughts that I have been carrying around with me for a very long time. But I also feel a great deal of fear.

Counsellor: That's understandable. The situation is a big challenge for all of you. You probably feel that you may have a long and painful process ahead of you. Can you describe more precisely what it is that frightens you?

Mother: Above all, I worry about what this would do to my children. I don't know if they would really be better off after a separation.

Counsellor: I can understand that. It is important that you, as parents, pay close attention to your children's needs. And I think you are very aware of that. You said earlier that your children are suffering from the current situation. Can you describe how you determine that?

Mother: Our son in particular is becoming increasingly withdrawn. His school performance has declined. Our daughter often gets angry, takes sides and then becomes abusive towards the other parent.

My husband and I are in the midst of a crisis, so we can no longer see what we could change.

Mother

Counsellor: It's great that you understand your children so well. And you're right, children shouldn't be involved in their parents' arguments. However, that sounds easier than it is. I think it's important that you talk to your husband about your thoughts and concerns. How is communication between the two of you?

Mother: My husband and I are getting nowhere when we talk about our situation. I feel like we're in the middle of a crisis and can't see what we could actually change.

Counsellor: Have you ever considered that couples therapy might be helpful? I can well imagine that it could support you both in developing possible improvements and accompany you in your process.

Mother: Until now, I felt that we could manage without support, but now I don't know what to do. I would actually be grateful for support from a professional – in the hope, of course, that my husband would also want to change something about the situation.

Counsellor: If you are considering a separation, what positive effects do you think this would have?

Mother: I think I would be happier and more balanced. And I would wish for the children to be better again.

Counsellor: How would you recognise that the children are doing better?

Mother: They would probably be more relaxed and able to develop better again. Our son would be able to persevere more and focus more deeply on his activities, and our daughter would be more balanced again.

I have a strong feeling that some physical distance would be helpful at the moment.

Mother

Counsellor: And if you decided against a separation, how would you know that you had done the right thing?

Mother: Ideally, my husband would change something and spend more time with us. There would be fewer conflicts and the children could focus more on the things they have always enjoyed doing.

Consultant: Now, this may be a somewhat unusual question. But what do you think could be created if you combined these two options?

Mother: I strongly feel that some physical distance would be helpful at the moment. I have known for a while that a colleague of mine has a room available in her flat and have already considered using it as a place of retreat once or twice a week. I hope this will lead to fewer conflicts and give us more time and space to find a solution that works for us.

Counsellor: This could be an option that brings more clarity and peace to everyone involved. Ideally, you could also experience more ease in your everyday life as a couple and as a family. Perhaps you will also come up with other ideas. What do you think would be signs that you are on the right track?

Mother: If there were fewer conflicts and the atmosphere at home were better again. I really want the children to feel more comfortable again, to have more inner peace and to be able to focus more on themselves.

It seems important to me that you find ways to make your communication more respectful again.

Advisor

Counsellor: These are all key points. I think it's important that you find ways to make your communication more respectful again and, ideally, enable the children to have a stronger relationship with both parents. This will provide significant emotional relief. Are there any ideas you can take away from this conversation?

Mother: I would like to tell my husband about our conversation and ask him if he would be willing to try couples therapy. Thank you. I am now a little more hopeful that there are ways we can improve our relationship.

Advisor: You're welcome. All the best.

This protocol is a greatly abridged record of a lengthy consultation, reduced to the essential points. Our aim is to provide insight into our work and to give readers food for thought on similar issues.

Yvonne Müller, Co-Head of Parent Emergency Hotline