Sibling dispute: «Parents are not judges»

Mrs Brunner Thiam, what do children learn in your workshops?

Anyone who grows up with siblings learns how to resolve conflicts on a daily basis - which is great practice for adult life. In our workshops, we also sensitise children and young people to recognise what is and isn't okay in conflict situations. They learn what solution strategies are available, but also that they themselves have control over whether they enter into a conflict.

So sibling disputes are completely normal.

Yes, of course, sibling disputes are part of it. In everyday life, at school or kindergarten, children have to function. At home, on the other hand, both big and small are unfiltered and less reserved, which is why it sometimes comes to blows - because they want to assert their wishes or simply want to be seen and heard.

However, it becomes worrying when the dispute is structurally anchored. Or if the conflict is no longer okay for those involved, for example because an imbalance of power arises. This is the case, for example, when parents intervene. Then the situation often escalates.

Because the guardians take sides and take sides?

For example. If a child has the feeling that he or she is being dismissed as a perpetrator, does not feel heard or if victim and perpetrator roles manifest themselves. It can also be difficult if one of the children involved has difficulty regulating their feelings and the other always has to take the blame.

Why do some siblings argue more than others? What role do age difference, gender or character play in this?

Basically, arguments happen everywhere. The decisive factor is how the family deals with conflicts in general: Are they not dealt with at all? Or are they particularly violent? All of this has a greater impact on children's behaviour than age gap or character.

Parents therefore have it in their hands whether and how often siblings get into each other's hair.

Parents can only influence this to a limited extent. It's not so much about how often children argue, but rather how they resolve conflicts. I have three children myself - and they argue a lot.

How do you behave in such situations?

I interfere as little as possible - preferably only when I'm asked to. At least that's what I try to do.

Who started it? That's the stupidest question parents can ask in an argument.

From the children's point of view, however, parents always react incorrectly in a sibling dispute.

That's right. Have you ever noticed how children usually ask their parents for help? They usually say: «He or she started it!» But this is not important for settling an argument. In fact, it's the most stupid question parents can ask in this context. I always say to my children: «I'm not interested in who started it, but who stops it - by getting help or getting out of the situation.»

How should parents react in the event of a sibling dispute?

Let the siblings argue, try not to get upset as a parent and keep your distance. Only get involved if the children ask for help. Then ask: «What can I do?», «What do you need help with?» But also: «What has happened?» Take the children seriously, listen to them and let them talk. Move past accusations such as «he's lying». Make it clear that all sides are being heard, after all, everyone has their own perspective. But also reflect the different positions: «Oh, you experienced it like that?», «How do you feel when you hear that from your brother or sister?» Above all, it is important not to allow yourself to be drawn into the role of the judge. That is not the job of parents.

As a mother or father, it is very tempting to side with the supposedly weaker party.

I myself know the reflex of automatically saying to the eldest: «I actually expect you to ...» But parents need to realise this: This is unfair. After all, the older child is also in the middle of the conflict. If two children are arguing and one of them is crying, I think it's important not just to give the crying child a hug. Both need physical attention in such a situation. You should then look for a solution together.

And get the children to apologise?

I'm not a fan of forced apologies, as some parents and teachers often demand. This is because the word loses its meaning. I think it's better to ask: «What do you need so that you can carry on playing?» I also find the demand «Give each other a hug!» offensive. I can't hug someone I'm mad at right now!

I'm not a fan of forced apologies. The word loses its meaning.

What can be done to prevent sibling disputes?

In everyday life and at school, we expect our children to adapt a lot; they have to co-operate all day long. If they can't even argue at home, it becomes difficult. Children need opportunities to talk about their feelings, about what is bothering them during the day.

It is also important that they don't have one programme item after the next, but that they can wind down in between. At the same time, we should recognise our children for who they are and focus on their strengths rather than their weaknesses. And - when the siblings are arguing again - remind ourselves of this: Children do not act maliciously.

Sometimes it may also help to remember your own childhood, the conflicts with your own siblings.

Exactly. For example, asking yourself: What would I have wished for from my parents back then? In workshops, we sometimes want to know from the children what they would do differently with their own offspring later on. Most of them are quite happy with their mum and dad as role models. However, they also often say: «My parents should have more time for me» or «My parents should be nicer».

For me as a mother, I've learnt to recognise my boundaries better in stressful situations and not to be so strict with myself. It's okay if I don't behave properly towards my children, I apologise. We all have so much to deal with, it's unavoidable. But it would help a lot if parents talked openly with each other about their excessive demands instead of thinking: «I'm a bad mum, a bad dad».