«Punishments do not bring about a change in behaviour»
Noé and I became parents quite young and unplanned. We made a conscious decision to have Amélie and also saw it as an opportunity for us as a couple. However, we both quickly realised that we actually had no idea how we wanted to bring up a child. I come from a rather authoritarian home. I remember being punished for what my parents thought was too cheeky, too wild or not obedient enough.
My brother was sometimes locked in his room if he was too loud. Later, he was deprived of television or mobile phones. What many textbooks and studies explain today, I know from practical experience: punishments don't bring about any insight or change in behaviour. I simply accepted certain punishments if I could do something I wanted in return.
Noé and I always have to make sure that we are not at the limit of our energy resources.
Noé and I both thought that parenting must be possible in a different way. What's the point of shouting at a small child - apart from frightening them and making them feel insecure? We wanted a different family model. However, we also quickly realised that the mere ideal is not enough. The parenting style is often characterised by what you yourself experienced in your childhood, because you fall back into learned patterns in challenging everyday family life.
Noé and I felt overwhelmed and went to Nina Trepp for family counselling. It was really good for us. We got to know each other better as a couple and I think it's really wonderful that we can discuss such issues so well. We also learnt a lot about ourselves and our reactions to certain stressful situations.
Recently, the little one flooded our bathroom so much that it ran into the living room. In the past, I would have screamed with rage. Now I have certain strategies at hand that help me: for example, taking a deep breath, holding on to something, leaving the room for a moment. I now also know that Noé and I have to make sure that we don't reach the limit of our energy resources. There are always challenging times. Our big girl has just started kindergarten. She's fitting in well there, but at home she's often tired and stubborn. We have to cushion that. We can do that because each of us tells the other what they need to replenish their resources."
