Problems and arguments at the dinner table?

If children are «picky», i.e. only like to eat very few dishes, then this behaviour is not innate. It is always the parents who influence their child through their conscious or unconscious actions. But what does picky mean? Is a child picky because they don't like ten dishes? Or if they don't eat 30 to 40 dishes? I don't know the exact definition.

However, parents who are afraid that their child might become fussy, or think that this is already the case, are well advised to be clear about what they actually mean by the word.

The term «fussy» is one of many negative terms that we use in connection with children. What they have in common is that they originate from a time when adults automatically interpreted children's behaviour negatively because they could not immediately make sense of it.

A child who feels an equal interest in their flavour experiences will be far more inclined to give a particular dish another chance the next time it's on the table.

For example: «The rice is yellow today because I added curry. You've never tasted it like this before. What do you think?» In contrast, the child, who perceives the concern, the attempts at persuasion, the insistence and other forms of manipulation by the parent, is left alone with the bad taste in their mouth throughout the whole experience.

Personal experiences characterise nutrition

Children's taste repertoire unfolds and develops in the first six to seven years of life. The personal experiences that will regulate their diet for the rest of their lives occur during this time. From school age onwards, there are long phases in which they do not attach any great importance to these experiences, but eat what their age group eats.

It's about making everyone at the table feel welcome and valued.

Only when they grow up do they begin to act more individually and build on the experiences and adventures of their early years. So continue to cook good food from good ingredients that the rest of the family will enjoy.

And: the deeper meaning is not that all families with children open an à la carte restaurant, but that all members of the family feel equally welcome and valued at the table.

Constant worry is harmful

Fortunately, when parents say that «their child eats nothing», they usually mean «almost nothing» and not all too rarely «much less than they should eat in our opinion». The decisive factor is not how much the individual child eats, but whether it is growing, developing normally and how much appetite it has for life.

In my experience, parents who are very concerned about their child eating «nothing» are in a bad position. By this I mean that, for various reasons, they have focussed the main aspects of their energy, attention, care and love on ensuring that their child gets enough to eat. Not just enough, but the «right» food and plenty of it.

The appetite of all children fluctuates from time to time.

Parents have good reasons for their behaviour, but they need to stop as soon as possible. Not only with regard to the child's physical nutrition, but above all because the constant worry has a detrimental effect on the child's self-esteem and vital energy.

As a result, there is a danger that unfounded parental concern will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Children doubt their own worth as human beings. Not because love has taken on the wrong form, but because children have absolute trust in their parents. That's why they always come to the conclusion that they have to find fault with themselves as soon as something is wrong.

What's more, the appetite of all children fluctuates from time to time. There are phases when their bodies need a lot of food and others when they can manage with less. Normal, lively and healthy children can easily forget to finish their plate if they are busy playing, with their friends or doing homework. Offer them something to eat in between, but avoid reminders and sleep peacefully. The children will not die from this.

Postpone the debate!

Children are not harmed if their parents think and act differently. On the contrary, it is a great advantage to have two different parents. It only becomes a problem for the children if they experience all the time that they are the cause of arguments at the table. The following rules of thumb can be useful to avoid a permanently clouded mood at mealtimes:

• If a conflict arises which, as far as the parents know, could lead to a prolonged argument, the wisest thing to do is to postpone the discussion until a later date.
• If the parents are sure that the conflict can be resolved with general negotiations, there is nothing to stop them using the time at the table to solve the problem. Children don't like conflict between parents, but it's part of life.
• The discussion must be about the different points of view or how parents put them into practice, not about what is right or wrong with the child.
• If it proves impossible to find a solution or compromise within a reasonable period of time, it is a good idea to hand over the «power» to the parent who is the least awkward and restrictive until both sides have found a permanent solution.
• Include the views of your child. Adult discussions are often more intelligent when a child is allowed to have a say.

• If it is a conflict between one parent and the child, it is a good idea for the other adult to either stay out of the matter or try to help the other two find a solution. It is never constructive to engage with either side.
• Parents often struggle to find an answer to everything and a solution to all conflicts. Firstly, nobody can do this and secondly, it is much better for the child's development and the family's co-operation in the long term if the parents acknowledge their insecurities and differences of opinion.

In collaboration with familylab.ch