«Parents need a lot of confidence. In themselves. And in life»
Mrs Hummel, what do you mean by needs-orientated education?
For me, needs-orientated parenting means focusing on the physical and psychological needs of all those involved - i.e. the children, the parents, but also the social environment. By this I mean hunger, sufficient sleep, emotional closeness and so on. It doesn't always have to be perfect. It is enough if everyone's needs are sufficiently well catered for.
And what does it not mean?
Needs-orientation does not mean that we live together without conflict at all times. It requires a lot of solution-orientated conflict management so that all needs can be considered and somehow reconciled. Nor does it mean that parents should completely take a back seat. It is often portrayed in the media as if only the child's needs are at the centre.
Suppose the first-grader comes home from school and wants an ice cream for lunch. Immediately! He rages and screams and can't take no for an answer. How do parents react in a needs-orientated way in such a situation?
First of all, it is important to recognise the child's need behind this wish. This is because wishes and needs are often confused or equated. Perhaps the boy wants to make his own decisions and feel good after a stressful morning in which he had to adapt and fit in.
So he should get the ice cream?
That depends on how the father or mother feels about it. Has he or she experienced that the child eats his or her lunch after the sweet anyway? Or rather not? And how important is it to them that they eat the meal they have prepared themselves? It depends on their attitude and whether they have the resources to satisfy the child's need in a different way.
How, for example?
By taking time in this situation, comforting the child, perhaps looking at a book with him or her, enduring the anger. Another example: Many children ask for mummy in the evening. The child's need is not to be alone when it falls asleep because letting go of the day is so demanding. But the desire is for mum. If the father is an equally close attachment figure, he can fulfil this need for security. Of course, there may be tears, but dad is able to absorb these feelings. The child's basic need is taken into account.
What conditions must be met for parents to be able to recognise the needs behind the child's behaviour - and not just the wishes?
Mums and dads should acquire a basic knowledge of child development in order to better assess what their child can and cannot do at what age. They should also be prepared to engage with their child, listen to them and observe them in a wide variety of situations in order to get an idea: Who is my child and what does he or she need?
Many parents today want to build this kind of relationship with their child. Nevertheless, they still find it difficult to be consistent in some situations. Because they too have had a long day or other children want their attention.
That is absolutely understandable. It's also not about always being one hundred per cent consistent. I think it's important that we are predictable for our children. But that doesn't mean that my decision has to be the same every time. I listen to the child in an attentive manner, formulate my thoughts and feelings and explain why I decide something the way I do - and why I might have decided differently another time. This makes me predictable and authentic.
Was today's generation of parents brought up differently?
You can't generalise like that. In many families, it was true that children were not listened to. The adults set the direction and the children had to comply. But there were also children 40 years ago who were very free, perhaps freer than was good for them.
Pampering is a nice thing, but if it happens too often, it can become bad.
Many educators today - I am one of them - are trying to show a middle way in which parents are clear and present, engage with the child's nature and have their needs in mind.
You talk about the relationship-orientated parenting style that you describe in your book «Not too strict, not too narrow». What exactly do you mean by too strict?
In other words, an authoritarian attitude in which children are given many guidelines and, above all, are not seen and listened to in their own nature. Their needs are disregarded. Fortunately, very few parents take this approach today. On the other hand, I often see parents being too close to their children.
What do you mean by that?
That the children are too sheltered, that too much is taken from them. That I supposedly want to do something good for the child and - in the worst case scenario - slow them down in their development. Or that wishes are equated with needs and are always or mostly fulfilled. This way of dealing with children seems very loving, but it takes something away from them, namely the space to make mistakes and learn from them how they could do better.
How do you explain this behaviour of the parents?
This has something to do with conflict aversion. It is challenging when I have decided in favour of something, but my child sees it differently and reacts very emotionally. Many parents find it difficult to put up with a disagreement that isn't over after a few minutes.
Why is that?
Many have not learnt this ability to deal with conflict from their parents because conflicts were not dealt with constructively. Either they were given clear guidelines as a child, or problems and differences of opinion were avoided or swept under the carpet.
This prevents them from learning to deal constructively with others and to put up with disagreements. Feelings such as «My child doesn't love me any more if I insist on brushing their teeth now» cause them to avoid arguments and slip into overprotectiveness. Pampering is a nice thing at first, but if it happens too often and for the reasons just mentioned, it can become bad pampering.
How do I know that I am being too caring as a mum or dad?
An important indicator is when parents repeatedly go beyond their resources. You can illustrate this particularly well with a small child: If my three-year-old daughter is constantly complaining that she doesn't want to walk and my back is already broken from all the carrying, I am exceeding my capacities and spoiling the child badly. I am harming myself and at the same time standing in the way of my child's development.
As a rule, it doesn't get any better if the parents do everything they can for two hours to ensure that the child leaves the house happily in the morning.
How can I climb stairs? How do I climb a tree? The girl can't practise these skills. If this happens once in a while, it's not a problem, but if I behave like this all the time, it turns into overprotectiveness, which can be harmful.
How can parents change their behaviour?
I'm a fan of regularly pausing and taking a look: Do we have an issue that is constantly stressful? Let's put it on the table and look at it from above instead of trying to deal with it from day to day. In a second step, I look at what options I have to change something. I often don't have that much room for manoeuvre.
Starting school early is an issue in most families. The child may like the teacher and the schoolmates, but not getting up and getting ready.
Perhaps the child feels restricted in their sense of autonomy: they want to decide for themselves when to start the day. That would be a bird's eye view. In a second step, parents could consider where else they can fulfil this need for autonomy instead. For example, by keeping the time after school free and letting the child decide for themselves how to organise it. Once they have realised this for themselves and put it into practice, they know: Our child basically feels well looked after and we can expect them to reduce their needs a little in the morning.
And then?
You can then consider how the morning can be organised to make it easier for the child to start the day. As a rule, it doesn't get any better if the parents do everything they can for two hours to ensure that the child leaves the house happy. In my experience, it is easier for everyone if the parents are very attentive but also firm for a short time and the child then leaves.
This may be easy when it comes to school, as parents have no other choice. However, there are other areas where it is not so clear-cut. For example, many children start out motivated with a hobby such as football or ballet, but after a few months they no longer feel like going to training. How do I behave?
That depends. Parents should scrutinise this reluctance and see if there is actually something that is making the child feel uncomfortable in this course or training - and take this feeling seriously. However, it is usually this threshold, this transition, that causes the child problems. They've just been playing, now they have to get ready for training and get going. Many children find that difficult.
It is generally underestimated that time with children is also working time.
Giving in to this childish insistence straight away is not a good solution. In such a case, I would rather discuss with my child what would make it easier for him to leave. For example, a friend picking them up for training. But here, too, it's worth taking a step back or taking a bird's eye view.
In what way?
I always endeavour to convey how important it is to focus on the child and their own family. It's not the case that every child needs a sporting hobby. The question should be: What is good for my child? Is it good for my son or daughter to be a member of this team? Then I should sign them up and motivate them to stick with it
Inke Hummel: Not too strict, not too tight. Your safe path between scolding and false pampering. Humboldt 2022, 200 pages, approx. 30 Fr.
Inke Hummel: Together through the primary school years. Strengthen relationships & accompany calmly. How your child can cope with everyday school life.Humboldt 2023, 224 pages, approx. 37 Fr.
Or does my child need some time to themselves after a long day at school or after-school care? Instead, many parents look too closely at what others are doing and what experts recommend. However, it is important to look at each child individually: what do they need and how can we as a family provide and support them?
They repeatedly address parental resources.
It is generally underestimated that time with children is also working time. If I want to accompany my children in a needs-orientated way, I have to do a lot of regulatory work, be aware of a lot of things and be in tune with them. It's incredibly exhausting when I've already worked four, six or even eight hours at work.
Many parents don't have the network of grandma and grandpa who live right next door, but do it in pairs or alone. That is challenging. And for many working mums, feelings of guilt also play a part. After you get out of the office and the child out of childcare, you would finally have time for each other in the evening, but everyone is tired and stressed.
What do you do then?
A professional view from the outside often helps: How are you feeling right now? Is there a reason for feeling guilty? Where could the relationship with the child be improved? What would help? In most cases, it's not about spending more time together, but about the intimacy in the moments you spend together.
Parenthood is always demanding and challenging. You give up a bit of self-determination. But you have to realise that childcare needs to be shared between more than just two shoulders. Self-care is a big issue. Only when I have my own needs in mind and take good care of myself can I adequately fulfil the needs of others.
What do you do when you don't have enough capacity and you can't push through things that are actually important to you in everyday family life?
Once again, it's not about always having all needs equally in focus. Sometimes the focus is on the children, sometimes on the partner and then again on myself. The important thing is that everyone feels seen and valued. It's also worth regularly addressing things that concern us or make us unhappy in a kind of family conference. This is also a place where brothers and sisters can tell each other how they see things. This is often more effective than mum or dad coming back to it again and again.
It's about leaving room for mistakes, for the realisation that things have gone wrong.
In many families, homework and studying for tests are an area of conflict. How do parents discuss with their child that they should do more for school?
First of all, parents need to clarify things for themselves: What is my attitude to the issue? Can I cope if things don't go so well or not? Once they have clarified this for themselves, they can say to the child: «I want to help you and I think you need this help. That's why we have this rule.»
But if the child only ever talks back and doesn't understand the parents at all, it's also important to consider their needs: «All right, we'll give you this freedom and see how it goes. If you manage it well, that's okay. If not, we'll have to intervene again.» What might that look like? It's about leaving room for mistakes, for the realisation: That went badly, how can we do it differently?
What do children learn?
They learn that they are seen, that they have the opportunity to have a say. And that they are able to achieve or not achieve something based on their own motivation and effort. That everyone looks out for each other and that, if things go differently, they have the opportunity to change things again. For example, we had the rule that our children could use their own mobile phones independently - as long as it didn't affect their school, friends, hobbies or help around the house.
Did that go well?
Yes for our older child, but not for our middle one. He couldn't switch off in the evening because something was still happening in the class chat at 3am. So he had to hand over the device at a certain time. After about six months, he wanted to try again on his own. It went well for a while, then it became more difficult and we reintroduced the rule - until he wanted to try again. When he was 17, he decided to uninstall all apps that made it difficult for him to concentrate.
What parental attitude is needed for this?
A lot of trust. In yourself, in your children and in life: Everything will be fine! Parental fears are a big issue in many places. The fear of the future, the fear of making mistakes in parenting that will come back to haunt you later.
And the fear of evil in the child.
Exactly. This trust is an important aspect of relationship-orientated parenting. However, I would also like to emphasise that I am not only concerned with the needs of parents and children, but also those of the social environment. We haven't talked about that yet. So not only: What does my wild child need to get along in the classroom? But also: What does the class need? Needs-orientation does not stop at one's own front door, but should be seen as a social task.
